Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
I have been addicted to porn for many years - with the usual stops and starts. Today begins a new journey. So I thought I would check in and see what kind of anonymous support I can receive here. I would like an on-line sponsor. But mostly I am here to say Hi and to thank you for being here.
I will say this though, my first post said the same thing, basically asking for a sponsor. I have been checking in daily now for about 7 months, spare two times when I once was asked not to share for a week, and then another time deciding not to share for a week because the first request was so effective. With that being said I have been committed to recovery daily for seven months hoping a sponsor would appear.
Well the one who did quasi-sponsor me, or at least took the initiative to, they and I didn't see eye to eye and still don't really. I have an AA sponsor who I meet in person and am around a lot. My point is I don't think there is a lot of potential sponsors on this site or in this community. Don't get discouraged though, maybe my case was just so jacked up none of them would take me. That is probably the real reason no one ever reached out honestly. SAA is based off the steps of AA, and I have done the steps in AA, so it was an easy comprehension and then application for me, and I can help you as much as possible if you want it.
If you're very serious about a sponsor, you can do one of two things or you can do both as far as I'm concerned. One you can go to AA meetings and listen for someone who is talking about treating the illness of alcoholism through the program (steps) outlined in the big book of alcoholics anonymous. Even if you don't have a problem with alcohol, in an open meeting (those available to both non-alcoholics and alcoholics) you can listen and start hearing the solution to selfishness and spiritual deficiency. Eventually you will be attracted to someone whose story is the same as yours and more than likely that person will be humble enough to understand your problem, and will help, or at least will want to help.
Secondly you could just go to an actual SAA meeting. There you can find a sponsor with little to no strenuous effort. If you're like me though, you won't need a sponsor if you have a good relationship with God. Some of the most influential people in AA's history never had sponsors, but not having a sponsor also requires a sufficient degree of failure and loss beforehand, so with that being said having a sponsor never hurts and is probably the more wise thing to choose.
I didn't start to really understand compulsive sexual behavior and how dangerous it is until I started reading the SAA literature. There is a trend going on called "no fapping" and it's real aim is just to fuck more women if you look at it square. This is a will driven "program" for guys who just have a "bad habit", kind of like the heavy drinker who doesn't have the allergy inside his body that forces him to drink alcohol when he doesn't want to.
If you're a real compulsive sex addict, no amount of willpower can help, and will actually hurt you in the long run if that is the formula. The experience of failure from self-reliance will be too great, and eventually you will either cave or start believing lies.
I highly recommend reading the SAA literature, it details the real sex addict and provides a clear understanding of the problem, then informs the reader and the addict of the solution. The amazing thing about all 12 step recoveries is they end up being simplier than the mind argues they are before starting. Recovery is the simplest solution I've ever been aware of, yet will in my addiction and illness I thought it was like moving a mountain, it is actually the complete opposite, but it takes practice and work, it's a process.
Have a great day.
Like you I spent 30 years attempting to stop only to get back to the addiction as soon as some stressful event took place, until one day I decided that enough was enough, here's the key aspect: Decision.
I then proceeded to enter a recovery program (not 12 step) to get the tools I needed to not simply recover but to heal from it. This is what I had to do:
1) I had to overhaul my entire life so that I would live a healthy live. I started to take care about my body, feeding it and clothing it, and grooming it on a regular basis.
2) Since negative thinking feeds the addiction, I decided to stop using profanity, engaging in racy conversation, purged all my porn material from my computer and my entire abode, installed a web filter and had someone else set the password, stopped going to peep shows, cancelled premium channels and started a serious and obscene number of positive affirmations. I stopped putting myself in a situation where I would be tempted.
3) I kept a memo book to write down my list of triggers, those thoughts or feelings that caused me to get urges and developed a contingency plan. Learned to feel ALL my unwanted emotions and developed a very tight schedule where every single second was accounted for. I used the computer at the library to check in with my mentor.
4) During the two years that it took me to recover and subsequently live a sober life, I did not once whine or mentioned the addiction and if I did in my check in, I did not say "my addiction", it was the addiction or the addicted mind. Why? for me, since it was brought on by external sources, It did not belong to me. I would never say when I had a cold that it was my cold. It was just I have a cold, like I have a wallet.
5) I learned that words have power, refer to paragraph above. I did not see myself as sick or hopelessly addicted, just as someone who had acquired a terribly unhealthy habit, just like i had acquired the habit of smoking. So I used those tools from the smoking recovery and some from cognitive behavioral therapy to deal with this issue.
6) I forgave myself, learned to let go of my story (the story where I am hopelessly addicted with no end in sight) because I realized that by repeating it over and over, it was just perpetuating it and making my recovery harder than it had to be. That is not to say that it was easy, not in the least but it was workable and when something did not work, I would tweak it instead of complaining.
7) During the first few months, say the first 3 months, the withdrawal symptoms were unbearable. Slept very little and was raw at the bit so as the urges would get terribly pressing I would simply recite over and over, "everyday and in every way I am getting better and better" and I eventually did.
8) I instituted a complete moratorium on sexual behavior of any kind, with myself or others. Total and complete abstinence, at first, for 90 days and I would check with myself and realize, the intrusive images were still bothering me, so I kept postponing it for another 90 days until I realized that 2 years had gone by and I was actually better than I ever was. I realized that sex is not a need but an option and with options, I had choices, so porn had lied to me about so much, it was not even funny. Now that I can choose I choose not to have sex with others. Funny, uh?
9) I had to learn to be present, in the moment. My affirmations had to be in the now, i had to take full responsibility for my full and undivided participation in the addiction. No one ever came around say to me, "What this ghastly and disgusting porn scene or the cat gets it." No, this started like every other addiction, 'just this time" and before I knew it I had wasted 30 odd years on this crap. So no more, there was not going to be anymore of those hours wasted, no way. So I also added a 'no slip/no relapse" clause because I knew that if I so much as gave in was, I would be where I had been so many times, so that was it!!! And it was it!
10) Yet I saved the best for last, along with my regiment of recovery, I began a spiritual practice and it kept me grounded, at first I lived from nano second to nano second, I realized what I resisted tended to persist, so once I accepted that the road would be difficult, I was able to stop struggling and I actually be proactive in my recovery. It is true though, that during my recovery, hell broke loose, but i saw it as the Universe asking me just committed to my recovery, so my attitude was, "Bring it on" and it did but I made it.
So here I am 5 years later saying to you, that is a possible to recover and heal from this, it is true that my methods are very unorthodox and my ideas about addiction are not in sync with the common lore but I think it is because I thought outside the box that I was able to succeed. I am here to tell you that I now know more about myself than I ever did before it, and I thank the addiction for teaching me what I needed to know all along and it was this: I have always been whole and complete. There is nothing out there that I need to complete me. Anything out there would be an addition not a substitute and the most important living a healthy and honest life is key not to fall back in healthy ways but it has to be a daily practice.
Hope this helped,
Wolf (5 years sober)