Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
Hi All,
I'm a recovering porn addict and a recovering codependent, so I know what you all feel and I hope you'll know what I feel. This is why I'm posting my story here, although it's not exactly sex and porn related.
Please give me your opinion and try to answer my questions at the end. Thank you.
I broke up with my ex GF four months ago after a 7.5 year long relationship. She was a narcissist and thanks God I managed to get out but I came out completely broken. I thought and felt like I dont want another relationship for a good while as I need time to recover. Its too early to commit again.
Yet, Ive fallen in love about two months ago. I know my feelings; I didnt just get attached to this new girl. This is true love. She is the perfect opposite of my narcissistic ex. Ive never told so much about myself to anyone as to her. She knows all my flaws, mistakes and addictions and she accepts me as I am. Shes never judged me once! I truly love this girl and I think shes got similar feelings. Her past and mindset is similar to mine. We both feel like we are soul mates and I think she is the one for me.
The problem is that Im still not ready for a relationship. I only broke up four months ago! Ive just managed to get over the post-breakup depression and now should come the time when I start dating, flirting and have one night stands again. And I feel thats what I need. Im not ready to commit.
I have to add that this girl live is a different country. There is 2000 km between us right now! The next time well see each other will be at the end of October, and then in mid February.
She said this is perfect for her now, because she, too, got hurt really badly in her 9 year long relationship and now shes been single for three years. Shes had a few short relationships since the big break up, but she didnt feel safe and couldnt commit. She says its all different with me as Im different from the other guys and because we communicate online and over the phone, its safer for her to open up.
The other problem is that I havent been with many women in my life and I feel less (or perhaps not good enough?) because of that. I want to have some fun and experience before I commit again. Ive been with three women and this girl I love has been with eleven guys and that really frustrates me! WTF?
I do love this girl and I dont want to lose her but a relationship isnt what I need right now.
I think Ill tell her that I need to slow down and take a break, take some time off. Im not ready for this. Ive already told her that Im just after a breakup and I need time. She understood that. She actually suggested it to slow things down if thats what I need. I think if she is really the one for me and I am the one for her, a few months break cant ruin our relationship. She is very understanding.
Questions
Is my craving for other women just a way to hide from love and intimacy?
Or am I actually still in the post-breakup recovery period?
I think its actually both.
What the hell do you think I should do?
Thank you very much for reading.
I'm a recovering porn addict and a recovering codependent, so I know what you all feel and I hope you'll know what I feel. This is why I'm posting my story here, although it's not exactly sex and porn related.
Please give me your opinion and try to answer my questions at the end. Thank you.
I broke up with my ex GF four months ago after a 7.5 year long relationship. She was a narcissist and thanks God I managed to get out but I came out completely broken. I thought and felt like I dont want another relationship for a good while as I need time to recover. Its too early to commit again.
Yet, Ive fallen in love about two months ago. I know my feelings; I didnt just get attached to this new girl. This is true love. She is the perfect opposite of my narcissistic ex. Ive never told so much about myself to anyone as to her. She knows all my flaws, mistakes and addictions and she accepts me as I am. Shes never judged me once! I truly love this girl and I think shes got similar feelings. Her past and mindset is similar to mine. We both feel like we are soul mates and I think she is the one for me.
The problem is that Im still not ready for a relationship. I only broke up four months ago! Ive just managed to get over the post-breakup depression and now should come the time when I start dating, flirting and have one night stands again. And I feel thats what I need. Im not ready to commit.
I have to add that this girl live is a different country. There is 2000 km between us right now! The next time well see each other will be at the end of October, and then in mid February.
She said this is perfect for her now, because she, too, got hurt really badly in her 9 year long relationship and now shes been single for three years. Shes had a few short relationships since the big break up, but she didnt feel safe and couldnt commit. She says its all different with me as Im different from the other guys and because we communicate online and over the phone, its safer for her to open up.
The other problem is that I havent been with many women in my life and I feel less (or perhaps not good enough?) because of that. I want to have some fun and experience before I commit again. Ive been with three women and this girl I love has been with eleven guys and that really frustrates me! WTF?
I do love this girl and I dont want to lose her but a relationship isnt what I need right now.
I think Ill tell her that I need to slow down and take a break, take some time off. Im not ready for this. Ive already told her that Im just after a breakup and I need time. She understood that. She actually suggested it to slow things down if thats what I need. I think if she is really the one for me and I am the one for her, a few months break cant ruin our relationship. She is very understanding.
Questions
Is my craving for other women just a way to hide from love and intimacy?
Or am I actually still in the post-breakup recovery period?
I think its actually both.
What the hell do you think I should do?
Thank you very much for reading.
Everyone moves at their own pace. If your not ready then you are not ready. But that does not make it ok to move on and sleep with random women. Being with only 3 girls is honorable these days. Men have a tendency to think the more the better. That is far from respectable. If you need time from a relationship then take that time for you. Find yourself as an independent individual versus as part of a couple. Do things you've always wanted to do. Don't bring other women in. If this is meant to be for the two of you, you run a better chance taking a break alone than with others. You owe this to yourself to not involve anyone else until you decide what you want.
Good luck my friend.
Let us start with the fact that 2 months is not nearly enough time to work out the issues of a 7.5 year extremely unhealthy relationship, that is right off the bat which coupled with your statement that it is true love raises serious concerns.
The fact that you are also recovering from porn and codependent addiction further raises the bar of concern. The fact that she has been with more partners than you bothers you is something to look at
However more obvious yet that you have met online. If you have never met in person, there is no way it can be true love. At this stage, you are both 2 dimensional beings. Once you two meet, the illusion wears off and reality sets in, I am not saying this to rain on your parade, I am saying it because that is the reality that awaits you.
But more important is that I suspect that you may not have done self work enough to feel good about yourself and that you are showing signs of unhealthy attachment (2 months is not enough to know someone) further tells me that it would be best if you were to go back to the drawing board and work on yourself.
Lastly, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. I met a woman online, swore it was true love, we were soul mates. Well, when we met I discovered that my "soul mate" was a raging alcoholic, it took me 3 months to break up with her. Another "soul mate" was cheating on me and I found out about it because the guy she was seeing behind my back contacted me to tell me what she was doing because he felt bad she thought so little of me, no sooner than I broke it off with her, so did he. Proceed at your own risk.
I know this post is not what you expected but you did want to know what you should do. You need to do what is right for you. Learn to know and love yourself first, exactly as you are right now.
Wolf (5 years sober)
Also, everyone looks great when you meet them online, but you probably already know from experience that the reality is that no one is perfect.
Learn to be more discerning about the people you meet and better still, get away from the computer and go out and meet people face to face.
Get involved in volunteering or take a class. Develop healthy interests where you will meet healthy minded people. Take time to learn to depend on yourself.
As a recovering co-dependent myself, it took me a few years to realize that I am quite self sufficient and am quite able to take care of my own feelings. Give yourself more time to heal and grow before committing to another relationship.
I owe you an apology, I didn't realise how unclear I was. We met in person, not online!
We used to go to the same nursery and primary school but I haven't seen her for 15 years and met her on the bus accidentally. I went back to my home country for a two-week holiday and we had three dates during that time. We had really long and deep conversations, I think I've got to know her pretty well. She is the only person so far, to whom I opened up completely, not counting my therapist. And she said she hasn't trusted and missed anyone this much for ages. Nor she met another person who understood her so well.
We've agreed that we are going to take it slowly as she understands that I've just broken up with someone else and I need time. As I said, she understands and accepts me.
I told her that this online thing doesn't really work for me so I'm flying back again next week to see her.
One reason is that I miss her very much, the other one is that I have doubts that, just what you said, because it's online at the moment, it might not be the reality. She agrees with me on this one, so I'm seeing her to give us (me) a better chance to get clear.
My therapist went for holiday just when I came back from mine so I haven't seen her since I met this girl, until yesterday.
So yesterday I had a very useful session with her and I think I've figured out why I crave other women so much and figured that I need to sort out my issues with my mother. So I know which way to go. I've realised that I'm an addict, a different kind than what I thought I was.
I'll give a chance to the relationship with this girl, but will take it slowly. She agrees, no rush.
I've learnt a lot and got to know myself pretty well in the past two years and I trust God and my abilities that it's all going to work out finally.
Looking back now, I've never been happy with my situation in my life. Despite my current problems, I'm happy now, because I know who I am and I know which way I'm going. I'm still in the shit but I know how to get out and I've got help. I've always managed to get out of shit one way or another, so I trust myself. I just need to stop panicking so much :)
Thank you. Have a nice day!
I just want to add that I agree with most of what you've said.
Besides, as I said, I'm going to take my time and get to know this girl properly before I commit to a relationship. I know I should be single for a while to work on myself. I'm still working on myself. But I'm afraid of opening up to strangers or date or have one night stands. I'm too anxious, I have ED and EE and I'm afraid of getting hurt again, like in my previous relationship. But I feel safe with this girl.
I think a partner who is accepting, understanding and loving is crucial for healing!
Thanks very much.