I am not happy, and i feel trapped. i was not happy at my job, so i changed that. I think it was for the better. I am also not happy where i live, and havent been for a while. There is too much crime here. So i am grappling with the idea of moving. But i also suspect i am not happy within myself. Not sure if not being happy with my job/home caused me to become depressed or, not happy within myself causes me to be dissatisfied with everything else. {Which came first the chicken or the egg?} I have been acting out with food and sex. The thought of not doing those seems impossible. Yeah, i know, i am powerless. Maybe my problem is i dont believe a power greater then myself will/can save me. I do question Gods existance. I am embarrased to admit that, after 8 years (of recovery in NA), but its true. I worked the steps twice, but stopped on 11 the 2nd time around. i struggle with discipline, and keeping up with 10 and 11, until i finally just gave up on them. I think (know) they would help, but i resist things that are good for me. I think i might be punishing myself, but i am not sure. Perhaps for being "bad" for sexually acting out(SAO). SAO puts a wall up between me and my higher power, and yet i dont want to stop. I think i SAO to avoid my abuse issues, which i REALLY STRUGGLE with. Was i sexually abused? did it really happen? I blocked it all out. Some say its good i dont remember, but i think it makes it more difficult for me. I know, i know... just deal with the feelings. Unfortunatley, its easier to act out and medicate the feelings (at least in the short term it is easier) but then i have to face the long term consequences of feeling alone/depressed/hurt/vulnerable from acting out. Which is what i am trying to medicate in the first place. OMG, how nutz!!! Its a crazy cycle. I bring on more of what i am trying to run away from. INSANITY! lol i know i deserve better, but... i am affraid to face it.