So, Ive been through porn addiction. I have a history of cheating on partners. Was abused as a young child. I dont dwell on the abuse. I have not cheated on My GF in about 2 years. I have not watched porn in maybe 8 months. I still have almost uncontrolable urges!!! Im not trying to be vulger or overly graphic but I just wanted to include a summery of what led to me being the way I am. 

I was abused when I was 4-5 years old by two sisters that lived next door. Had me do things for them orally, and the younger one bit my penis alot. The older one threatened to kill me and ,get this, tell on me if I told anyone. I never did. They moved away when I was 5, but I became obsesed with sex and porn at a young age. Masterbation was constant. Even though I was thinking about sex all the time, I was terrified of girls. In fact I never really had a girlfriend until I was 17 and only then because she was ultra aggressive.  I only had sex with that girlfriend one time. She was a virgin and extreemly tight, and I came before I got it all the way inside her. Within a week of that, she cheated on me with an older guy. My now exgirlfriend told people I lasted 5 seconds and had a very small penis. At that point my fear of girls tripled. The short version is that I suffered with extreem premature ejaculation for years. I also was in more than one situation where a girlfriend or someone in a locker room would make a comment on me having a small penis. I was married, and after a few years my wife and I started having sex with two other couples. Both of the men had larger penis' than me. One of the guys imediatly commented on how small I was. One of the other women "Jennifer"always seemed to prefer me when we would all get together. She would say "you have the cutest little cock" , or " call it her "little man". Right from the begining though she would encourage me to watch when the other men had sex with my wife. She would make me watch them while I was doing her. She would wisper in my ear. How much my wife seemed to enjoy the other guys. She would say things like, "your wife "sabrina", says mike is so much better than you", or "I cant wait till hes done with your wife so I can have a real man. By this time I was full on into Being shamed for my small penis and anyone with a large penis having sex with my wife. For a while my wife didnt want to talk about our sex life at all. One day when I came home my wife the two girls in our sex ring and two other women I didnt know were at the table and Jennifer said " there is the little cuckold man". They all laughed. I asked what a cuckold was and Jennifer said" I dont want to see you cry in front of all these women". I asked again, and she told me a man that gets off on and lets other men do his wife. Ill have to admit I was very embaraced but even more turned on. From that point on I watched almost exclusivly Cuckold porn and pretty much live to see other men with my wife. For a few years we went from swinging to meeting alot of single men to have 3somes. Then we started seeing exclusivly black men. Then she found one she really liked. At first we had 3somes. Then we would meet and I was only allowed to watch, the I could have her when he was done. Then it evolved into me not being allowed to touch her when he was there. At one point he began bringing one and some times two other black friends. My only involvment was either her holding my penis against theirs to compare size then being sent to watch from a few feet away. The men would usually talk about how good she was of call me a bitch, make her tell me how good they were. At one point I wanted to be made fun of and watch other men with her more than I liked sex myself. One night Sabrina told me she was going over to her lovers house for the night and I had to stay home. She went out alone with him more and more. Then one day, Sabrina told me she wanted to have a baby. At this point she was only allowing me to masterbate while I watched her get dressed in the morning before work. So I thought we were going to start having sex again. She said she had stopped taking birth control and was going to get pregnant. We started with foreplay and were completly undressed. She tied me to the four posts on the bed and climbed on me putting me inside her. She then leaned down and wispered in my ear, that her lover was going to be the father. She then sat up and got her cell phone off the bedside table. She made a call and didnt say a word before hanging up. A few seconds later I herd the front door open and in walked my wifes lover with one other man. Sabrina then got up and got the men undressed and aroused before climbing back on me belly to belly while one man did her and the other used her mouth. They took turns on her for what seemed like hours. She then left with them I herd the door slam and she came right back in the room. Sabrina lubed me up and gave me a hand job and every time she though I was gona cum she stopped. After a few min she went to far and I came. That was the last time my wife touched me sexually. I thought she wasnt serious about getting pregnant because she made me watch her take seveal pregnancy tests over the next three months, but one day she took one and it was positive. About the time she started showing, she told me she was going to leave and live with her lover. She also said we wernt getting devorced until after the baby was born so my insurance would pay for the pregnancy. So we stayed married and shortly after the baby came we got devorced. Sabrina eventually got married to her lover and for a while she would call on occation and leave the phone on while her husband had sex with her. After a while I stopped hearing from her. Since 2010 I have been with Jennifer who devorced her husband. We had a few years where she talked dirty to me and made fun of my penis durring sex. We both decided that we would not do the swinging thing again. About two years ago Jennifer started going to church and she gives me all the sex I want, but will not talk dirty any more. I have since stopped looking at porn, and I have never cheated on Jennifer. All is pretty well except as time goes on, more and more I cant help but fantisize about other men having sex with her. And every single time, no matter how hard I try ,As soon as I put it in her I start having thoughts about black men with really large cocks having sex with her while I watch. Its really to the point that I know if a woman would let me watch her with another man, id cheat on Jennifer. Ive tried everything but I cant stop thinking about it when im aroused. I was at work  talking to a woman who is a temporary employee. At one point she assumed I was flirting with her and she told me she dose not date white men. After that I couldnt really control my self. I was able to get her to talk about relationships and stuff and eventually I was able to tell her the general idea of what turns me on. To my amazement, she wasnt freeked out. Even more shocking she asked questions and continued the coversation off and on all night and for the two weeks she was there.  When she left she even got my facebook and friended me. We have chatted on FB messenger several times. She has sent me a bunch of pics of her tits, one in a thong and one with a mans penis between her breasts. She even asked for a pic of my penis once and replyed "LOL!!!!! Dats why I am with black men". As it stands right now I dont know what to do. I have tried to see sex addiction counsellors, but I could not talk to a man about this face to face. The three women counsellors I tried to get appointments with all tried to reffer me to male counsellors. One even made me feel like she though I just wanted to talk dirty to her, and all I did was ask for an appointment. I am really having trouble getting help. Id really like to be normal and be able to have sex with my girlfriend without visions of her getting off with other men. I know I included alot of graphic stuff ,but I dont know any other way to make people understand why I am the way I am. I really did leave out alot of stuff. There were many more examples of me being embarrased and shamed for penis size or sexual performance. I just wanted to include enough so someone could get some understanding of my situation. Thanks for any suggestions.