In my experience, I don't think it's so important to give the details of each action (such as giving an encounter by encounter report of exactly what you were looking at, for how long, and why), but to give enough information so they can put together an overview of the depth of the situation. Kind of go over generalities of the kinds of sites you've visited and that you've mostly been drawn to, how long you've had the problem, etc. if you're a full on sex addict and it's not just pornography that's one problem you might want to disclose as well.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that saying, "well on Sunday I first visited such-and-such site to get my kicks with this and that for about a half hour, then I made my over to this other site because something I saw made me want to see more of this other thing and spent another hour looking at this video, then that video..." Is not helpful to someone trying to piece together a plan to help you.

And most likely they'll ask for details they think are relevant in helping you if you just start off being general about what problems you're trying to work out.

I hope this has been helpful.

I would start as generally as possible and only give more information if it's requested. Your significant other may not WANT all the details, and I believe that's a boundary that should be respected. Sometimes too much detail can be a burden.

I don't know all the details of your particular addiction. If you've been using pornography, you might just start with a general admission that you've been struggling to break a pornography addiction, and then answer specific questions truthfully as they are asked. That information may be all she needs. If you've actually had relations with other people, say so, but don't start getting into numbers, names and activities unless she asks for them.

Above all else, don't lie. If she asks a question, she has a right to a truthful answer. If there is information you can't or won't give her that she asks for, tell her that; don't make up something just because you think it will be easier for her to handle.

Thank you for the helpful feedback. My therapist calls this a process rather than an event and it is important not to leave anything out, even if you don't remember it for weeks or months. I am looking forward to moving beyond this painful process.

As my husband was coming "out of the fog" to recall all the information, looking at past bills, credit card history, cable bills, phone bills, etc, came in useful to ensure there were no areas left out. For us, his acting out has financial consequences as well; although I didn't ask for an exact number, a decent ballpark came in helpful as well. After disclosure, the entire documentation was available to me.

I agree with having general information with neutral language. I emailed my husband (cc'd to his therapist) questions I had during the process of preparation, with the understanding that I would only get those answers at disclosure.

Risks to myself that I needed to be aware of were important, for example, physical sexual risks so that I had to be aware of having tests taken (I found it helpful that he had done the testing prior to disclosure, so that he had the documentation there to prove I was safe). Also, I had asked if my pictures or pictures of my child had been used inappropriately online, so that if that had been the case, we could work on eliminating that digital footprint in that arena.

Arch: I'm not sure there is any way to share the truth of your betrayals of trust without there being pain. So, being honest with anything of importance seems necessary to me. What you did before your relationship seems a bit much for me. But, maybe some would want to know. I am only concerned with my H has done since he gave his promises to me. As far as detail goes, I'm not sure what that means. I asked my H very specific questions, like, what kind of betrayal, and how often. And, I think it's important to know in what ways my H manipulated my awareness, feelings, and trust. I think the methods of manipulation are as important to me as the sexual behavior.

I think the most important thing might be to make a general list, and then honestly answer any questions as they arise.

She needs to know all the behaviors associated with the addiction i.e. pornography, affairs, prostitutes, online chatting and the frequency every day, several times a week/month. Here's the thing anything you don't tell her can become a snare to you down the road so no matter how embarrassing of a behavior get it out. Most of my husband's behaviors were normal sa behaviors but there were a few things that he really felt ashamed for and those were the hardest. Don't talk yourself out of being completely thoroughly honest it does matter. The person you want to be is someone who is transparent that doesn't carry deception or lies anymore right. So be brave be thorough. Also, there is often a tendency to want to tell a little and then a little more and a little more thinking somehow it softens the blow but the truth is each disclosure is like reopening a wound. It adds trauma and trauma so again do it once so she can know and start her journey to healing as well. Blessings!

Also, by being aware of how my husband tended to act out, it helps me see whether or not he could be acting out as he becomes more transparent in those areas.

Thank you all for the feedback. We shared the disclosure a week ago Friday. It certainly was painful for both of us and I am still waiting for that load to be lifted off my shoulders that everyone talks about. I know there will be more difficult conversations as she has time to reflect on everything that was thrown out there during a two hour period. We continue to visit the therapist that helped us through it. I am also thankful that we just had a wonderful weekend together. We have been through so much together but this is certainly our biggest test. Our connection is strong and my commitment to her and my sobriety is steadfast. I am currently on day 92 and feeling strong. We are also on day 79 of my 90 day re-wire. Who knew you could actually live through 90 days of abstinence? I am not only committed to my program but also looking forward to helping others that still suffer or are early in recovery. It's our duty as recovering addicts to do what we can for others.

Bless you.

I think the weight lifting was a process for my husband--I wrote an impact letter over 2 weeks while he stayed out of the house (which I was grateful for--I could have slugged him). It helped doing the impact letter, and for him to make moves to "get it". Rehab after that process probably gave his the most relief after that.