Sardino,

Lucky for you, this is an area where I have a lot of experience, let me start by saying that triggers are nothing more than button issues we have not learned to deal with yet so by dealing with the issues behind the trigger, then we have no reason to act out because by acting out. we are not resolving what caused the trigger, we are simply creating more problems for ourselves.

The truth is that it seems like sex addiction is controlling you but it is not, it is only that you've somehow convinced yourself that if you indulge, you will feel better but we both know that is a lie, right?

So I ask, if you know that explicit sites are a trigger, why do you not have a web filter or better yet why would you turn on the computer a at all? We always have a choice, it may not seem like it but we do, I had to learn that, and when I learned it was always up to me to indulge or not to indulge (thought it may not seem that way) for me this was a very powerful insight because after that, I was able to regain control of my life.

It will not be easy but if you establish a healthy plan of action to address the triggers and establish a tight schedule, learn to accept and love yourself exactly as you are now, then you will be able to move past this addiction. Also establishing a no relapse clause will help you because it leaves to find only healthy options to address the trigger.

Believe me, I have had my share of triggers this week myself, and now it looks like I personally have to deal with issues I though I has grown past but lo and behold, it has not been so. So, instead of relapsing I have been working on them, one at a time, as it should be. Thankfully, God saw to it that I had a week free from work to work on them before I get back to work again.

Hope this helps,
Wolf (5 and 1/2 years sober)

Hi wolfiepa,

Thanks for your reply. It is very helpful to read when trying to deal with things.

Some of my triggers are on the computer, but some, if not most, happen when I am outside just going about my day. I will see a woman that will be wearing something skimpy or dressed or acting in a particular way, and it will just set me off. I have been seeing a lot of that especially this week and it has really been difficult.

So if I get you correctly, you are suggesting it is best to deal with the triggers as they arise individually? Like if one thing triggers you at a particular moment, deal with that one when it arises? Then deal with other triggers at a later point in time when they arise? Basically, as they come up?

There are also helpful tricks to deal with triggers when you are out and about...looking at people just above their heads stops you from looking at body parts...remind yourself that women are people not objects regardless of how they are dressed...put an elastic on your wrist and if you see someone or something triggery snap the elastic ...keeps you present and that pain reminds you of your addiction...remember the 1,2 , 3 second rule...pick a time that you will not look at someone that triggers you for longer then that time...no second glances either...

Sardino,

Yes, exactly, as you see a woman walking down the street, as Candy suggested, just see her for a second, do not turn to look at her any longer than that. Look at something else, like the building behind her, for instance.

I used to have the problem stemming from decades of porn addiction, I would look at specific body parts, these days, I walk down the street but I keep my head leveled, my eyes focused in front of me and I do not allow myself to be distracted by an errand look.

It takes practice but as you keep doing that and not indulge or watch anything salacious, eventually your mind will go back to what I call PG mode. It takes a while but keeping up the work is the most important aspect of recovery.

Have a great New Year,
Wolf (5 and 1/2 years sober)

Thanks wolfiepa. I like that "keeping it in PG mode" that may help to remember to keep focused! I had a rough day yesterday, but I made it through it again. As I mentioned, I have been tempted a lot these past days, but so dar I have been doing well (knock on wood).


I was wondering though, what exactly did you mean by "establishing a no relapse clause"?

Sardino,

To answer your question, a no relapse clause is an agreement that you make with yourself that no matter what happens, no matter how strong the urge, how many triggers you may have, you will never go back to your addictive ways but instead choose healthy and life affirming actions to address life's complication

This clause is crucial to recovery because it ensures that the new connections made by the process of recovery remain whole instead of allowing the addictive cycle to continue running amock.

Happy New Year,
Wolf (5 and 1/2 years sober)

Thanks wolfiepa. I see what you mean. It is basically a vow to yourself pledging that you will not relapse, I see. Thank you for the input. Despite a lot of temptation I did pretty well this week. So far about 6 days without indulging, so I am hoping to keep it up!

Sardino,

Just one more thing, during recovery, we need to change our vocabulary to decisive words such I am going, I decide to, I have plans to. There no more I hope, for instance?

Why? Because the subconscious does not understand iffy statements, it has no sense of humor, it works only on absolutes. Such as, I am healthy, I am whole and I am determined. Always in the present because this is the only time we have, the now.

So if you formulate a plan of action and seek a recovery program that teaches you to live a healthy and positive life, there is no reason why you not only not relapse but also live a sober life after the recovery program has ended.

Have a great day,
Wolf (5 and 1/2 years sober)