Yesterday I was very exercised about the idea of being able to see the three or four guys who are still potentially fuckbuddies, as well as the two or so who I have in my phone but haven't met. My urge was like a sort of nostalgia or sadness. I posted about it looking for answers. Of course I kind of know the answer. But this is not pressing anyway. I'm not going to make any booty calls. I'm certainly not going to reinstall the dreaded Grindr. I'm sort of mourning, I think.
Last night I dreamt about my mother's infidelity. She was going to sleep with a guy instead of my dad... she did something wrong and I hit her over and again. This is a real thing. She did sleep with a plumber called Mick several times and wrote about it in her diary that my sister and I read. I also saw her snogging a cabbie called Dave. We went over to his and his wife's house and watched ET on Betamax ... (very exciting). My dad was impotent (claims to be although I have now seen his fondness for bukake on his browser history) So basically they had sexual issues they didn't sort out honestly. The whole thing added to the feeling that their marriage was going to fall apart (the arguing which I also heard) and that we were going to have to sell the house (the poverty, the rows about the business failing and my dad not getting a job). There's a lot of stuff there.
So what is the fidelity to me that I have never been able to stick to in my three long relationships? A waste of time. Love doesn't mean anything. People don't stick by you. You make one mistake (being impotent) and they leave you. I have had little self-confidence and I remain highly critical. There are plenty of reasons that people are going to leave, don't really love me. I might as well keep my options open. I will not hitch my boat to one star. The same is true with my career, hobbies, etc. I tend to drift around. Hence I'm still freelance at 38. This is one possible reading.
Certainly the fact that it hits a feeling (I feel unloved) usually signals some truth that other interpretations have missed when I am sorting myself out (he this , she that, it the other.)
This evening I'm going to be having coffee with another recovering grinder n sex addict I've known a long time . But we've never talked on this level before. Luckily I don't fancy him. I think meeting and talking with friends is goign to be the most important thing because I have always looked down on thsi type of intimacy in favour of the electric hook up kind - brief and pointless as that is.
Tomorrow my mum is having a mastectomy. The horror of this struck me this morning just as I was thinking about her infidelities! Life!