Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
Last night was quite hard because we live next door to a bunch of gay guys who like to have sex parties on drugs.I'm not a fan of the people I must say but part of me Firstly my husband stayed longer (he likes dancing) and so I got to feeling lonely and left out - while managing that feeling OK, tbh. But there was the general feeling of other people having fun, having sex, taking drugs blah blah. Like I'm uncool and doing something wrong otherwise I'd have enjoyed it.
Unlike some of the guys here I don't get so easily triggered by sights and situations that I lose it so I have that to be thankful for.
Anyway, so the other thing was last night I dreamt that I had lost a testicle somehow by going the wrong way. People in the office were kind about it but amused. They wanted me to make a feature of it (it was in a balloon) I briefly wondered how anyone else would react to it. So there was a feeling of loss and being slightly ridiculous or childish. But also loveable.
Today I woke up with that dream in mind, definitely feeling quite different - sort of teary if not sad. Like there was some crying to be done underneath.
This is all positive because it shows there are changes taking place in my mind.
I was going to put these daily updates in my journal apologetically hidden away, but I think I'll just keep them up here if that's OK.
Unlike some of the guys here I don't get so easily triggered by sights and situations that I lose it so I have that to be thankful for.
Anyway, so the other thing was last night I dreamt that I had lost a testicle somehow by going the wrong way. People in the office were kind about it but amused. They wanted me to make a feature of it (it was in a balloon) I briefly wondered how anyone else would react to it. So there was a feeling of loss and being slightly ridiculous or childish. But also loveable.
Today I woke up with that dream in mind, definitely feeling quite different - sort of teary if not sad. Like there was some crying to be done underneath.
This is all positive because it shows there are changes taking place in my mind.
I was going to put these daily updates in my journal apologetically hidden away, but I think I'll just keep them up here if that's OK.
Perhaps it would help you to remember that just because it sounds like they are having fun, they are not actually having fun. No one truly has fun engaging in self destructive behaviors.
There is nothing uncool about seeking a better life. True the majority are doing self destructive things making them cool but the truth is that what they are doing is not cool.
Keep up the good work.
Just a thought,
Wolf
Today is proving surprisingly difficult so far, despite the positive start! I feel very restless and totally aware of how much sex there is in my mind - how many "marks" there are. Photos in my phone - or others - to send to other people ... How I struggle with each person - will I meet them will i not? Are they "ok" to meet because I have met already? Because they are not from Grindr? It's obvious that other people don't go through their day like this. Many people of my age just don't have all this "stuff." But it bears reminding. Really I do want to be sober and calm ... to be able to, for example. do the gardening or calmly go through the day. But it's so far from where I have been.
Keep in mind you have been at this for only 3 days. The sex chatter, as it were, will be there for quite a while. I reached silent level in my second year, after gradual tapering off and staying away from anything that remotely reminded me of my past life.
You say that it is obvious people do not go through the stuff you go through. Chances are they may and you do not know it or even they do and do not talk about it. Either way, we cannot assume.
When we assume, compare or even judge, we are not talking about them as much as we are talking about ourselves. So best strategy is to stop these destructive behaviors and concentrate in our healing.
When I was recovering, I too compared myself to others who were also recovering, I thought I was not going fast enough, thus hindering my own process.
Recovery is like any repair job, it takes as long as it takes, and it is an extreme personal issue, to the extent that in this instance it has got to be self centered, in the sense to keep our selves centered, at all times. To be centered is to be in the present moment and not be distracted by shiny things, as it were.
Pacing ourselves and please if you have not erased those photos, if they questionable, do it. There is no more of "just in case", that no longer exists because in order to move away from it, there is to be a total purge of past addictive behavior or as you call them marks. Otherwise, you'll be stuck in recovery...
Wolf
No, of course some people do go through this and the "sex chatter." What I am saying is that it has become a part of myself for so long that it is hard to realise that it is not normal.
In terms of the pix, etc., yes I will do it in my own time. However, just in the same way pouring booze down the sink does not cure an alcoholic, even if I cleared out my "old life," it could easily come back. Therefore, I am taking a lackadaisical and relaxed approach to that "old life." There is nothing to be ashamed of. I don't want to purge myself. If I am not happier without it then I will go back. I expect I will be and will CHOOSE not to go back. This is important to me. This is the nature of addiction. Until we feel better underneath we will always go back to our old ways.
In all this, I am following my tried and tested route to being free of alcohol. I am just recording this journey and I will continue on it as I see fit.
fondly
Michael