Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
I want to go share some of my experiences with sex and sex app addiction. This helped me when I was in group therapy for alcohol addiction. we went through the first three of the 12 steps...How we felt then, how we feel now. Maybe some people identify...
The first step is admitted I was powerless over sex and sex addiction. Three examples...The morning I had sex with my partner before he went off to work. Then I found someone else on Grindr, an Indian guy, who came over for a bit... we played the piano as well as having sex. Then there was a third guy who was at a sex party next door. He was in a state and it wasn't pretty, really. I remember getting the Indian guy confused with another Indian guy I'd just met. It was clear that they were getting confused in my head. It was just one person. I had wasted the whole day really getting no where. Back then I was really shocked that I had been with three people in one day. It caused me to stop using Grindr for quite a bit - this was actually the time before this. But I started once more. Now, I feel like it was another person It is easy to escape this other person. Even when I have found "fun" there is still the compulsion to go back and find more. It never stops.
Just yesterday when I stopped - I was talking to a guy online who clearly used two different photos. Nevertheless some were attractive. He summoned me to his house - wouldn't give his address - when I said that I was outside, he said "prove it." I sent my location. I thought he was just fooling with me so I said "I'm going to Sainsbury's" - to show that I was not bothered and had just walked a short distance. He didn't reply. Then when I got back to look for more opportunities, he said "You coming bitch" I explained what had happened. I said "Should I come back"? He said "yeah." "On the way, he texted saying. "Gonna give you it deeper bitch," I said, "safe only," he replied "I don't use a condom," I replied: "well, you don't use me." Then there was a stream of abuse hurled my way ... c words, f words for "wasting his time."
Yesterday I took this in my stride - I kind of knew that this guy was a fraud. I wasn't hurt by his abuse. Today, I realise that I could have met up with someone quite violent and unhinged. Someone who was on drugs. Someone I did not trust, but was happy to do so because he had good pictures and was three blocks away. I think it really speaks to the desperation of my addiction - I thought if I do this at least it will be "out of the way" and I can concentrate on other things. But this is clearly not what happens.
Looking for sex at work has frequently caused me to be on another planet and waste loads of time because almost no one lives where I work. I even went to the the ends of buying a special key from online which can open disabled toilets. I met up with a guy inside one in the pub - someone I had met before. Back then it seemed like a great idea to have one of these keys ... until we did it and then I felt rather dirty and generally scared that someone was going to come in. Now it feels like yet another sign of addiction that I am prepared to do this thing just to get my fix ... it's a lot like when I used to buy booze at the newsagents and drink it at work.
The first step is admitted I was powerless over sex and sex addiction. Three examples...The morning I had sex with my partner before he went off to work. Then I found someone else on Grindr, an Indian guy, who came over for a bit... we played the piano as well as having sex. Then there was a third guy who was at a sex party next door. He was in a state and it wasn't pretty, really. I remember getting the Indian guy confused with another Indian guy I'd just met. It was clear that they were getting confused in my head. It was just one person. I had wasted the whole day really getting no where. Back then I was really shocked that I had been with three people in one day. It caused me to stop using Grindr for quite a bit - this was actually the time before this. But I started once more. Now, I feel like it was another person It is easy to escape this other person. Even when I have found "fun" there is still the compulsion to go back and find more. It never stops.
Just yesterday when I stopped - I was talking to a guy online who clearly used two different photos. Nevertheless some were attractive. He summoned me to his house - wouldn't give his address - when I said that I was outside, he said "prove it." I sent my location. I thought he was just fooling with me so I said "I'm going to Sainsbury's" - to show that I was not bothered and had just walked a short distance. He didn't reply. Then when I got back to look for more opportunities, he said "You coming bitch" I explained what had happened. I said "Should I come back"? He said "yeah." "On the way, he texted saying. "Gonna give you it deeper bitch," I said, "safe only," he replied "I don't use a condom," I replied: "well, you don't use me." Then there was a stream of abuse hurled my way ... c words, f words for "wasting his time."
Yesterday I took this in my stride - I kind of knew that this guy was a fraud. I wasn't hurt by his abuse. Today, I realise that I could have met up with someone quite violent and unhinged. Someone who was on drugs. Someone I did not trust, but was happy to do so because he had good pictures and was three blocks away. I think it really speaks to the desperation of my addiction - I thought if I do this at least it will be "out of the way" and I can concentrate on other things. But this is clearly not what happens.
Looking for sex at work has frequently caused me to be on another planet and waste loads of time because almost no one lives where I work. I even went to the the ends of buying a special key from online which can open disabled toilets. I met up with a guy inside one in the pub - someone I had met before. Back then it seemed like a great idea to have one of these keys ... until we did it and then I felt rather dirty and generally scared that someone was going to come in. Now it feels like yet another sign of addiction that I am prepared to do this thing just to get my fix ... it's a lot like when I used to buy booze at the newsagents and drink it at work.
It is extremely commendable that you are seeking to improve your life by recovering from this ghastly addiction. However, I am here to tell you that you are not one bit powerless.
While it is true that you have allowed the addiction to run your life without nary a protest on your part, there has not been a single minute where you have been powerless, it may feel that way but that is NOT so, nor it has ever been that way.
Nothing outside of yourself has any power over you because it is, indeed, external which means you can indeed control your compulsion to have it. It would be a good idea to stop saying things that are not true about you, and start saying things that are true.
i understand it is part of the step towards recovery (one of many methods) yet this one actually, to me, is very harmful because it means, in essence that you are hopeless and that is not so.
You have an addiction but you are not the addiction, anymore that if you have a cold, you'd be the cold. words are very powerful and what you say determines your destiny.
When you say you are powerless, your body reacts and acts as though you are, in the same exact manner that if you were to say that you are not feeling well, even though you are okay, by the end of the day, if said enough times, you'd be feeling awful. It is that quick and that alarming.
Perhaps, this would be a time to start a new way of speaking about yourself and about your condition in ways that are uplifting and positive. Though you may not feel it right away, it will come to pass.
I had to revamp the way I talked to myself, about myself and about the addiction (which I did not mention even once save for the homework I had through my recovery program). I did affirmations, spoke of how much better I was feeling, how wonderful it was to have time to do things I enjoyed, you get the gist.
The issue at hand here is what we say and think is paramount to our recovery and subsequent sobriety, to do so, we have to start living the life of a healthy person, so if others are partaking in the activities related to our addiction, it is irrelevant because we are not longer living that life.
My two ruble's worth,
Wolf (4 years sober)
More broadly I'm just using this model learnt overt a three month alcohol treatment programme because a) it gives me a chance to reflect and share on behaviour that I have previously kept hidden, and b) because this worked last time...I'm sober two years on. This is the first time I've treated my sexual behaviour as addictive as opposed to a "fun" choice... hugs
My husband didn't see it as he was powerless, he had free will, made those choices, every click of a mouse, every place he went, every women he objectified. Those were choices, really crappy choices, but he had the power within him to stop, not do it etc. He explained to me that step 1 meant ..giving it all to his higher being GOD, and asking for redemption from it.
Now all the hard work he is doing is walking the path to maintain that redemption.
Sobriety from all which means sex, drinking, etc. will give you complete clarity and you will understand more and more how the addict in your head has been making you think and preventing you from really feeling.
Sex is a potent drug and if you haven't been checked for any diseases, please do so as soon as you can. Be healthy in both mind and body.
Addiction is not a behavior issue, it is a disease. Knowing that is in itself a step to recovery.