Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group

Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.

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Day 1 - off with the dating apps

wystan1000
wystan1000
Today I deleted all the dating apps on my phone. Of course I have done this before, enraged after spending hours on them looking for guys to have sex with - only to re-install them. I have also turned off Facebook chat. I am literally surrounded by boys who I have had sex with, want to or are planning to. This despite a nine year marriage (open)
An odd thing was I had two guys that I wanted to have sex with who were available - but I immediately realised I didn't want to meet up with them. the sex that comes after hours of searching is often formulaic and ritualistic. It is not worth the bother.
I hope that this time is different because I am admitting properly that I have a problem with this behaviour - and am medicalising it by calling it an addiction. I have gotten over alcohol addiction and bingeing before so hope I can follow the same route. It is odd looking at my phone and knowing
I felt really quite shaky and uncertain after getting rid of them. I slept a good hour or so and had some panicky and some sad feelings.
The description of the trance-like state below is quite pertinent. that is what really gets to me. I can spend hours checking messages, thinking I have a prospect, that prospect disappearing, another one arriving, driving my pulse up. Gradually I feel like the world is disappearing and I am living more and more in my head. I look around the kitchen or the bedroom and the idea of clearing anything or folding seems ludicrous. It is exactly the same as when I was drinking although thank god it is easier to reconnect.
I don't want to go back into meetings again. I don't seem to do very well there. I am hoping this forum will be a good way of freeing myself from addiction. I will follow the method laid out in the three month rehab I went on in terms doing the first three steps of the 12 with examples.
When I carried out a SMART Recovery pros and cons sheet, I really could not find any positives for having sex. Both "make new friends" and "have fun" have question marks against them. In fact, I have not really made new friends from the people I have had sex with - not in the long term anyway. I really do tho seem to lack the ability to connect with people in some ways. I think I am quite remote. How is anyone else coping with this "social anorexia"?
Thanks for reading.
Lavad1973
Lavad1973
Social Anorexia? I gather than means that you deprive yourself of social interactions while getting your emotional nutrition from virtual connections? Sounds then you like you have made an amazingly healthy choice to disconnect from the hookup sites and facebook chat. But here's my question: If the internet prospecting for sex is a substitute for real connections (and I am not saying that is necessarily the case for you since I don't know you), then besides subtracting internet dating then perhaps you could add real time socializing to your recovery plan? Are there places where you like to hang out? Sport teams or professional associations or hobby groups you could join? Something where you could connect with people on an ongoing basis and in a way that doesn't involve sex (or drinking)...Good luck!
itsallgood
itsallgood
Although I don't consider myself a sex addict, I think I have definitely used sex/porn as a way of connecting with people. I think Lavad1973 is right. Trying to make nonsexual connections is way more fulfilling although more difficult as you get older.
wystan1000
wystan1000
Yes, you are both right. Real-time socialising will be a good plan. I have tended to put hook-ups first ... they have always seemed magical and sparkly as opposed to meeting "normal" people and (snore) old friends. Of course the old friends are the ones that endure!
itsallgood
itsallgood
Wystan1000 I know what you mean about "sparkly" I definitely get more excited when I get a text message from a potential "partner." It's more exciting but ultimately ends up disappointing and unfulfilling. I try to think of that before taking that first step.
wystan1000
wystan1000
So exciting, Itsallgood! Like a massive hit. And I can engineer that excitement any time I want by messaging one on "my" network or finding a conversation on Grindr. From that moment my brain chemistry changes and I'm on the slope.
Lavad1973
Lavad1973
Wystan - it occurs to met that you originally wrote that you deleted your dating apps from your "phone". I wonder if you might consider getting rid of your phone (or at least leaving it at work and getting a land line in case there is a family emergency). I don't mean to suggest that the phone is the reason for your addiction and that getting rid of it is going to solve all your problems. But still...I am very aware of the fact that the phone enables you to have thousands of "friends" and an endless stream of pornographic images...and all of this is available 24/7 since your cell phone is always with you. Try something very small - like going to a meetup group or a party without the phone and see if it helps you to interact with real people. Good luck!
wystan1000
wystan1000
Thanks Lavad
Hm as I mentioned before I'm not really of the "purge" school. I'm not ashamed of my "old life." It's still me. As time goes on these things will just become less attractive.
By the same token I never stopped going to pubs bars or parties after I quit drinking. I just knew when to leave and whom to talk to.
I hope people don't think I'm being too neg and struggling. But I think cos I've quit both booze and cigarettes I feel quite happy I know what I'm doing.
The thing I MIGHT fall down on would be the contact with people and friends instead of exciting sex buddies (who are not really much help in the long run). So I am totally appreciative of comments in that direction.
Lavad1973
Lavad1973
That makes sense to me, especially since you have to use your phone to communicate in a healthy way too...with friends, family, and your partner. I too used to be addicted to smoking. And now it truly doesn't do anything for me. I quit when I was 28. That was 13 years ago. Since then, I have still been around smokers. And at parties, I even had a cigarette here and there. (like a total of maybe 8 over the last 13 years.). It just doesn't appeal to me anymore...One thing, I do know, though is that when I quit, I could not be near a cigarette, whether mine or someone else's. That's just me of course...I can see how you could keep you phone and still break the addiction to hookup sites.