Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
This is a hard question to ask for advice because I am not asking any one to tell me what to do or to determine how this counselor works. I guess for lack of better description- I just want to know if anyone else has experienced this or if they feel it is normal.
My therapist sees me individually and now recently started being my marital counselor as well. She explained to me the neutrality of marital and I TOTALLY understand that. I guess it just wasn't what I expected in reference to the porn issue that is the brute of my marriage problems at the moment.
In my individual sessions, she gives me information on what pornography does to the brain, how it impacts the spouses (wives and gf's more specifically). She has stated some couples are okay with pornography- which is their right by no means judging. But to me her overall opinion was that even to the individual porn has a very high negative impact (not to make him feel uncomfortable and made out to be a monster). I have exchanged some of the websites I have found off here that have been useful to me and she has agreed how serious it is. BUT once we got into our marital session and my husband brought this issue to light she tells him "yes I agree with you porn viewing here and there I think is okay, but when it causes issues it then becomes a problem". I get that she threw in there if if causes issues it's a problem, but I feel like even though she has no right to judge having an opinion isn't necessarily judging and I feel like at that point her opinion was contradictory. And that's where my confusion lies. I did express to her after our session that I was a bit confused and uncomfortable with it and I kind of elaborated, but all she said was she understands.
Now I am just unsure that I chose a good counselor, not saying she needs to have my back and agree with all I say or make it out to be his fault and shame him, but I expect sincerity and honesty. Not saying that I am perfect so if there is something I need to work on, I expect her to tell me if its brought up in my individual session or marital session. I kind of just felt like I was being isolated at that point.
My therapist sees me individually and now recently started being my marital counselor as well. She explained to me the neutrality of marital and I TOTALLY understand that. I guess it just wasn't what I expected in reference to the porn issue that is the brute of my marriage problems at the moment.
In my individual sessions, she gives me information on what pornography does to the brain, how it impacts the spouses (wives and gf's more specifically). She has stated some couples are okay with pornography- which is their right by no means judging. But to me her overall opinion was that even to the individual porn has a very high negative impact (not to make him feel uncomfortable and made out to be a monster). I have exchanged some of the websites I have found off here that have been useful to me and she has agreed how serious it is. BUT once we got into our marital session and my husband brought this issue to light she tells him "yes I agree with you porn viewing here and there I think is okay, but when it causes issues it then becomes a problem". I get that she threw in there if if causes issues it's a problem, but I feel like even though she has no right to judge having an opinion isn't necessarily judging and I feel like at that point her opinion was contradictory. And that's where my confusion lies. I did express to her after our session that I was a bit confused and uncomfortable with it and I kind of elaborated, but all she said was she understands.
Now I am just unsure that I chose a good counselor, not saying she needs to have my back and agree with all I say or make it out to be his fault and shame him, but I expect sincerity and honesty. Not saying that I am perfect so if there is something I need to work on, I expect her to tell me if its brought up in my individual session or marital session. I kind of just felt like I was being isolated at that point.
Marriage counseling is not recommended UNTIL he is sober so you can keep seeing her if she is helping you with your trauma issues, but probably not with the addiction issues.
Thank you! I am not so sure how I feel yet. WE are going to another session tonight and I'm going to base my decision off that. I am just afraid to waste any more time. Thank you for the insight :).
Shanas,
Yes it totally blew my mind too and standing in that room I was completely uncomfortable at that point. I did call her afterward and we scheduled an individual session this morning and I asked her about it and she said she didn't even think of what she was saying and that she shouldn't have said that. That that's entirely incorrect of what she even meant... she said she would restate it this evening at our couples counseling... she did say she wasn't going to judge him for it (which is not what I was asking her to do), and she did say on a personal note, I would not want my husband to do that because that is not how I want my marriage to be and I don't want you to feel unsupported... so I'm glad we talked about it but at the same time other stuff arose in my session today. I told her I took my vows seriously and I didn't come into this marriage expecting infidelity on either of our parts and she asked, "so he's cheated on you- I don't understand." I looked at her and said I feel this is how he has been unfaithful to me and she made a look of shock like disbelief or confusion. I know it's normal, but I asked her is that not normal- and she said I don't know that's interesting. He does see his own counselor only once a month and not for this- for his antidepressant or at least that's all he says it's for really. And to top that off he's not "addicted". He's never admitted it, nor do I label him as such because I can in no way diagnose it. I just know he has a problem or did have one. He claims it has been since he was 12 BUT only so often like every couple months or so. I don't know to be honest. But I did tell her, even though it doesn't matter what people think or what they would do this is our marriage and some things may not be appropriate as it would in another marriage, but I feel like that gave him ammo if he wanted to use as such like for instance well a professional said occasional porn usage was okay... and that is what I brought to her attention, and she admitted that that was incorrect and apologized because she didn't mean it as such. But I did worry about that.
It's all the other stuff that goes with addiction, the lying, the manipulation, the sneaking around, using it during working hours, protecting it so that he doesn't have to give it up, blaming you for it, making you feel bad because you're making an issue of it, the erectile dysfunction that comes from it. I could go on and on. That is why you are in therapy.
I suggest seeing a CSAT ...if your husband infact isnt an addict, then stopping the porn, etc. should be no issue...he wont balk about filters, and accountability programs, and add them willingly to his phone (dont forget the game system can access the internet too)....IF he tries the whole i deserve privacy, its my phone, i dont need to share with you, those are red flags....an honest man has nothing to hide from his wife!!!!