Hey,
Your wall, my wall, all our walls may never be perfect.
We all feel blows much like yours today, blows that make us sneer at our reflections in the mirror and scoff at what we see. Blows that may even turn our carefully constructed walls into rubble.
But I would much rather spend my life exhaustingly building and rebuilding and repairing that which gives me joy, then succumb to a life of mere sickening indulgence. Porn and masturbation have plagued me the better half of my life and I feel your pain. My eyes often wander, sometimes to places I cant believe I would lust over and it hurts me. I am rather tall though so i find staring blankly ahead often helps. Or holding the gaze of someone, eye to eye. Sometimes i dont even listen to what they are saying, I just focus so hard on looking at their eyes. It is ridiculous but the urges are there and they are strong. \\I also try to think of that person not as an appetite quencher, but as an individual, one with parents, siblings, loved ones. Its hard to wrongfully lust after someone thinking of them that way. But it doesnt always help. I relapsed recently after a solid week, and before then a month.
Thank you for your words today, I hope someday to build a wall as strong as yours. When I can repair cracks, instead of rebuilding the entire wall. Maybe someday Ill have one so big all of China will be envious.
Yours truly,
Jeremy

View it as learning experience and think of ways to avoid it next time. We cant control what pops up on tv, so when this happens next time, close your eyes, quickly divert your eyes to the bottom corner of your tv. If the show you are watching seems to keep having these images pop up turn the channel. Heck almost every other commercial is a half naked women trying to sell you bras, sex, even tampons. It happens, one evening alone I was watching tv and I counted 25 commericals in a 3 hour span that were sexualizing women, how many times do we need to see Victoria secrets commericals in one sitting. My husband now just closes his eyes, we have made a habit of always muting the commericals. Don't beat yourself up over it, your mind and reaction was a tiny teeny bit addict response.
Did you PVR the show so you could see the image over and over again? did you rewind it? Doesn't sound like it. So see it has it is, learning from it and don't beat yourself up over it.

Thank you for your responses and words of encouragement. Though the thought to rewind and watch again, passed through my mind, I did not do it, thank goodness. I also had a dream last night that I was showing someone something on the internet and pornographic images kept coming up and I kept having to look away and hurry and close them. Even though I'm doing well in my recovery, it's been a nightmare. I hope I can stay strong to get out of this soon.

Thank you, Jeremy for your words of encouragement. I feel the same way about building rather than giving in. I hope we can all stand together with each other's support.

Candy,
Thank you as well. I will continue to see these experiences as learning growth, and building opportunities. I must continue to have a plan in place and be ready to execute it when the time comes. It takes a lot of discipline, but I believe, with the support I get from all of you as well as the support group I go to every week, it will get easier over time. I would rather not start over.

I'm so sorry e. It seems like we are bombarded with images like that continually. Where you are weak in one way, I am in another. I often see these kinds of images and I feel very angry. It reminds me of what it has to done me and my marriage, and that induces sadness. So, it is as damaging to me is at is to you, but with different responses. I try really hard to not give in to the anger too. I have to keep my walls intact too. I know it has been nearly seven years since my world came crashing down, so, it had become very easy to not regress to anger or depression. I had a recent setback in the last few months due to the fact that my H had returned to his previous behavior. Of course, some of the hurt, anger and depression returned, so now it is more difficult for me to maintain that wall. But, I know it will get better again, easier, as I tend it. And, it will for you too.

espratt

you have to look at your recovery as a life time commitment with starting over NOT an option. I am so very proud of you that you didn't rewind it, I am sure the old you would have. The dreams are also showing you how strong you are becoming.

Keep in mind that as you are getting stronger and stronger in your recovery, the addiction is waiting for that crack to get bigger for a way in. Some advice is getting rid of tv for 6 months, no internet either.

epratt,

Perhaps a different approach might be more helpful than chastising yourself which only brings up negative feelings within you and in as a result hinders your progress.

In my recovery, as I have spoken about many times, I stopped this hamster wheel by thinking of preferences vs addictive thought. So, every time I saw something that was questionable or racy, I would not fight the image and simply said to myself without judgement, "This is not something I wish to entertain, I would much prefer to watch something more my speed" and I would change the channel to a sitcom, for example.

So in time, when I saw something on the television, and I still do, I simply change the channel and I do not have any residual images in my mind because I do not judge them or myself for seeing them, they simply do not matter.

What I am trying to say is that whenever we judge ourselves or something, we are saying that what we are judging matters to us, we are giving it importance, and it is always negative importance which has even more power that positive because the brain is train to give priority to the negative, that is what feeds the addiction.

Sorry about the run on sentence, so, by bypassing that process and stop the judgement, we kill the switch of negative importance and in time, these images do not matter and in turn, do not affect us as much anymore. Like I say, these days, I simply either change the channel or look away, not in shame but because I trained my brain to rule them out as important.

There is a book called "Handbook to Higher Consciousness" by Ken Keys Jr. that not only explains it well but also talks about the power of the addictive mind. I read it applied it, and it has made all the difference in my recovery. Sometimes, you will find help in the most unusual sources. Like it has been said, when you are open to grow, the Universe finds ways to assist you, but the rub is that we have to let go of our own stubborn thinking and be truly open to the guidance.

Hope this makes sense, if not, I will try to explain it another way,
Wolf

That book sounds like a good read Wolfie. I may read it myself. The images bother me too, but in a different way. Either way isn't good.

Learnings,

It is a great read, it literally changed the way I viewed my addiction and myself.

They have at amazon.com for $1.17 and with shipping it comes to $5.16, you cannot get a better bargain.

Wolf

I appreciate the insight and support you all bring. I'll be sure to get that book. It sounds like a very beneficial read in my case. I'll try not to get down on myself in the future. It makes sense to look on the bright side and say, "I'll be sure to do such-and-such next time" and move on.

Thank you all!