Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
My husband is addicted to porn. He's been in counseling for a couple of months and claims to have gone 30 days without looking at porn. I believe he's telling me the truth but don't really know for sure that's why I said "claims". Anyway, things have gotten better since he started getting help except one thing...he expects a huge verbal parade from me every time he does something to help out with ANYTHING. When I do praise him, it's never enough and he gets mad at me saying I don't appreciate what he's doing. He was always an involved father by playing with them and going to their programs, but I did everything for our kids (one of our kids has autism) by myself until now. It was his decision to start helping out (don't know where that came from). If he even picks up our daughter from school, he acts like he's moving heaven and earth to do it (he never did it previously). I am a sub teacher to allow me flexibility for our kids yet bring in extra income and give me something that is mine (not for him or the kids). He resents it and wants to control me. He was never controlling before getting help for his addiction. Anyone explain this to me? Thanks.
After all, the porn user/viewer has "control" over the types of girls he looks at, what actions he looks for, etc. Thus it gives him the job of "director" or the person who controls the mouse.
It sounds childish - like he's a child which needs constant reinforcement and acknowledgement.
Maybe try beating him to it and compliment him BEFORE he expects it and maybe give him a little treat/reward (golf balls for a golfer, a 5.00 starbucks gift cert. or other small thing for his week of good deeds), because maybe he thinks that you don't notice - and like a child, hopefully he will OUTGROW it! Lol!
If not, then maybe find something else to keep him busy or a new hobby, etc.?
Perhaps, he is rationalizing his definition of "porn". He may still be consuming himself with arousing thoughts and photos (even if they're not "technically" nude photos).
For a man in recovery, he must avoid compulsive and sexual indulgences of all kinds. He shouldn't rely on your positive reinforcement either.
He needs to be completely honest with himself and with you. Body language can tell you if he isn't confident in his "supposed" resolve.
*In other words, people have a good sense of when their spouse is bluffing.
Your husband needs to stop trying to control you......he needs control of himself.
A true MAN has control over himself.......control over others, isn't any power worth aspiring toward.
Respectfully,
-Jive
As for you, and this is just a suggestion, may need to seek your own recovery help. There are groups like COSA (Co-dependent of a Sex Addict) or CODA (Codependents Anon) that can help you if you so decide to go for help. I only speak from experience as I am a COSA member and my husband is a recovering sex addict and goes to meetings and has a sponsor. But it took a VERY long time for him to get there and he still relapses. It also took me a VERY long time to realize that I can't control his actions. I have to pay attention to myself.
Good luck.
Ami