When I was younger, I used to watch a lot of porn and read erotica. As I grew up, I became more and more interested in it. I came from a conservative family, so I didn’t have sex. At nineteen, I started answering men who contacted me online. I’d have phone sex with them and send them pictures. I had webcam sex with an older married man. I had regular phone sex with my first long-distance partner. After two years, I tried to change. I stopped watching porn and erotica, switching to tamer romance novels, where the focus was more on character development, plot, and emotional connection. It was hard, but I forced myself through the withdrawal.

What I’m struggling with right now is more serious, in my mind. I started dating a guy in college, and I loved him—but I was also addicted to him sexually. I attracted another sex addict, and we’d sleep together constantly. We had sex in my office and in public parks. We couldn’t seem to stop sleeping together. We had sex on his parents’ bed. We constantly upped the ante, and we cheated on our partners together after we broke up. We’ve had an affair on-and-off for three years. He’s engaged to be married, and we sexted each other after a year of no contact. I am addicted to him and fantasize about him constantly. He wants me too, and we’ll spend hours texting, even if it’s not sexual. Even non-sexual conversation between us scratches the itch. I become aroused by his voice and the thought of sucking him off or him touching me. He says he loves his fiancée, but he wants me. She watches porn as well.

I’m concerned, because he said that sometimes he’ll watch something on a porno, and he has no idea what turns him on about it. He’s just aroused, and he starts masturbating. Afterward, he feels strange and doesn’t understand why he was so aroused—as though he couldn’t help it. I don’t get nearly as aroused by porn nowadays, but I am so aroused by him that I can’t see him in person without seducing him. Afterward, I regret it. I always tell myself beforehand that I won’t sleep with him. I really do just want to be friends with him, but I can’t seem to stop. He can’t seem to stop flirting with me with crass, sexually explicit phrases that turn me on. I feel helpless.