Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
Well I've hit many bumps in the road within the past 4 months and it doesn't seem as if it'll clear up soon. My marriage is barely hanging on- it's tipping on the edge!
I can't really say my husband is in recovery. We are in marriage counseling and have separate ones for individual- however his he only sees once a month and hasn't made an appt to see her in the last two months. He claims there's nothing that his counselor can do that he finds no help in telling someone his misfortunes.
Anyway... I find that communication is very fragile and apparently sensitive. Any advice?
I express my feelings and his normal reaction is to roll his eyes and walk away or say he's tired that's it's always one thing after another. I don't fel like its like that, I feel many things just never get resolved and linger... Or yes a few new things do happen- I feel like that's in any hardship. That's besides the point- I can't talk to him about concerns and feelings he says I attack him and he's never going to be good enough. That this isn't a Nicholas Sparks movie. He told me last night it's just easier to shut me out- and he won't talk to me.
I asked him what his meaning of marriage was and he said he didn't have an answer for me and didn't want to talk. I found fb message to an unknown female on his work phone. He has managed to go against a few boy diaries in place so I follow my initial consequence of detaching. It just creates more distance.
I haven't expressed the concerns of all this as we are on vacation and like I said every time I do it gets me no where... I get more conversation out if a log and if I do talk I end up just talking and trying to ask questions to engage him OR I aggravate him more and close him up more by trying (which I understand is a manipulation tactic).
I'm at a loss- I was thinking of bringing this stuff up in the presence of our marriage counselor because I don't know what else to do. If I say one thing he seems to fall victim and just act like I'm attacking him which in turn makes me wonder even more.we haven't kissed or said I love you in over 24 hours and we say it and kiss almost regularly :( I'm sad and scared and lost! I want to get close to him. I
Just wondering if any others out there can relate to the same type of frustration and lack of communication, especially under these type of circumstances.
I can't really say my husband is in recovery. We are in marriage counseling and have separate ones for individual- however his he only sees once a month and hasn't made an appt to see her in the last two months. He claims there's nothing that his counselor can do that he finds no help in telling someone his misfortunes.
Anyway... I find that communication is very fragile and apparently sensitive. Any advice?
I express my feelings and his normal reaction is to roll his eyes and walk away or say he's tired that's it's always one thing after another. I don't fel like its like that, I feel many things just never get resolved and linger... Or yes a few new things do happen- I feel like that's in any hardship. That's besides the point- I can't talk to him about concerns and feelings he says I attack him and he's never going to be good enough. That this isn't a Nicholas Sparks movie. He told me last night it's just easier to shut me out- and he won't talk to me.
I asked him what his meaning of marriage was and he said he didn't have an answer for me and didn't want to talk. I found fb message to an unknown female on his work phone. He has managed to go against a few boy diaries in place so I follow my initial consequence of detaching. It just creates more distance.
I haven't expressed the concerns of all this as we are on vacation and like I said every time I do it gets me no where... I get more conversation out if a log and if I do talk I end up just talking and trying to ask questions to engage him OR I aggravate him more and close him up more by trying (which I understand is a manipulation tactic).
I'm at a loss- I was thinking of bringing this stuff up in the presence of our marriage counselor because I don't know what else to do. If I say one thing he seems to fall victim and just act like I'm attacking him which in turn makes me wonder even more.we haven't kissed or said I love you in over 24 hours and we say it and kiss almost regularly :( I'm sad and scared and lost! I want to get close to him. I
Just wondering if any others out there can relate to the same type of frustration and lack of communication, especially under these type of circumstances.
He is completely in denial and resistant to any recovery help so communication with him is going to suck all the time.
The only thing you can do is bring it up during counseling sessions and see how that goes.
Walk away when he becomes passive/aggressive, manipulative and/or belligerent.
Living with an active addict is crazy making. This is why you need the therapy with a therapist who gets it and can support you in any way possible.
Also, if you can find a group for spouses of addicts, then get involved with that too. Even an Alanon group would work.
In addition to that benefit for me, I believe it also allowed my H to choose to maintain the distance or jump the fence toward me. Isn't that the problem in a nutshell..a mate who is distant and not seeking marital connection? I found that it became important to me that "he" want to close the gap. And, if not, what good would it do me to want that?
>Journal all your feelings and thoughts before communicating them this can help you clarify what the real issue is; Pray
>Pray before any communication that your husband would be receptive
>Write out the issue in a letter that he can read using I statements - decide whether to give it or not (however if you give it do so feeling good that your feelings were heard or read and without expectations beyond that) If you need a response let him know to give you a time when the two of you could follow up that week.
Work on you has your counselor had you do any reading on codependency? Realize that the old normal you once had was never there it was an illusion that he created inorder to keep you from knowing the truth. Don't try to go back to that grieve it and move forward into creating a more authentic normal in your life.
Everything you are experiencing I have also worked through in my marriage and during recovery and continue to work on. He will need other men to help him through this so start praying God connects him with others. Perhaps he will need to find another counselor if the one he has isn't working for him. Actually this reminded me of a great book I had read that really explained the communication things I dealt with also it was called Steering Clear by Earl Wilson. I would try to find a copy it is a great book and helpful for me and my husband.
My husband is not in recovery for this and doesn't want or feel he needs held for his depression. He feels that "it is what it is". We only have our marriage counselor.
As far as codependency- I have my own readings on it and the 12 step book of it. I am starting to REALLY see it now as I second guess a lot of my decisions lately, I hate that. As for your comment "realize that the old normal you once had was just an illusion he created to keep you from knowing the truth." - Can you elaborate?
That's just it it is hard for me to accept that he once felt so loving and now he doesn't.... I feel like I'm almost not worth freighting for to him.
Can you prove that to yourself by choosing to fight for yourself?