New member, first post. I've never talked or written about this in my entire life and I'm not used to opening up like this. I'll cut right to the chase. I have realized I am addicted to porn and self sex (masterbation). I never really thought of it as a problem until recently. I started looking at porn at a young age, so I've been doing it for as long as I can remember. I recently retired due to health issues and have much more time on my hands. Needless to say, I have more time to look at porn as it's so readily available. I have progressed into trans porn. That has progressed into secretly cross dressing. I feel guilt and shame for a short time but, I can't resist doing it. I have been married for 40 years and have a great relationship with my wife, both in our sexual and emotional relationship. I have never been unfaithful in my relationship with her. The other day my wife came home from work early and caught me right in the act watching of transgender porn, naked wearing panties, and masterbateing. Needless to say we were both horrified. She also caught me with a whole box of sex toys and panties which I have keep secret and hidden. She took the box and stormed out of the house. She came back hours later and asked about the contents and where did I get them. She caught me few years ago when I have done this before and promised I'd stop but, I have started it again almost daily. I have ruined her trust in me and I may have destroyed my otherwise happy marriage. The shame and guilt I feel right now is overwhelming. I know now I have crossed the line. I have a problem and I am getting professional help. There are many dark issues in my childhood that I have ignored and tried to erase from my memory that might be part of the cause of my behavior. I was the youngest of 6 children. My parents were alcoholics and pretty much nonexistent in my childhood. My mother has mental issues would just let me and my brother fend for ourselves. My big sister's pretty much raised me. I was also sexually abused at a early age (I think it started at about 6 or 7 and ended at about 10 or 12) by an older male neighbor. He forced me to look a porn with him and give him oral sex. He also gave me oral sex. My copeing mechanism for this was to just forget about it and push it out of my mind. I have been able to cope with all of this and keep it to myself until now. I know I need help and I am going to get it but, it might be too late. Even now I want to look at my daily dose of porn but, I am doing my best to resist and be abstinent (if that's the right discription) until I can get to my first therapy appointment. I don't even know how to begin the conversation with my therapist because I'm so shamed and embarrassed by my thoughts and behaviors. How can I start? Should I confront my old neighbor? It's been over 50 years. Please give me some insight. Signed, is there Hope4me2?