Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
Since I started exploring what brought me to the place I find myself in today, I constantly asked myself, Why me?
My childhood was not fun, I very rarely talk about it, I don't like to take myself back in time to those dark dark days. In short, it was void of affection, love, nurture, support, every basic parental responsibility/function/desire. It was damned with negativity, emotional and physical abandonment, mentally and physically abusive, real financial hardship at times. Confusion, sadness and distress.
On a side note, today I have found the strength and need to love my late father and my mother.
I guess one may say, there is no doubt as to how I ended up recycling history. But I really struggle with this concept. Here is why.
During my teens and later my twenties I began to see a world outside of my situation. I began to grow, I found passions in life, I made good life choices, I made some very good friends, I learnt from their family dynamic that life did not have to be so hard and harrowing. I became independent, I looked after myself, respected myself, started to love my life, started to really live. I educated myself. I did a lot of work on myself, became stronger and very focused on my dreams, that were starting to materialize before me. Then later down the line, came the day that I met my husband, this wonderful man, I fell in love with the person he made himself out to be, yes, he misled me and manipulated reality. But I did not know this, I did not go looking for an addict, narcissist and abusive relationship, I did not want to relive history.
How is it my doing that I end up here? How could I have known who he was, if he was lying to me? I sought zero comfort in an abusive relationship just because it is what I knew and grew up with. Did he see a crack in me that allowed him to push his way in? And then once in, the real damage started, a kind of dynamic than no other woman would have tolerated? But I did because I just didn't want to believe someone could do this to me yet again?
I find this area of growth extremely hard to wrap my head around.
My childhood was not fun, I very rarely talk about it, I don't like to take myself back in time to those dark dark days. In short, it was void of affection, love, nurture, support, every basic parental responsibility/function/desire. It was damned with negativity, emotional and physical abandonment, mentally and physically abusive, real financial hardship at times. Confusion, sadness and distress.
On a side note, today I have found the strength and need to love my late father and my mother.
I guess one may say, there is no doubt as to how I ended up recycling history. But I really struggle with this concept. Here is why.
During my teens and later my twenties I began to see a world outside of my situation. I began to grow, I found passions in life, I made good life choices, I made some very good friends, I learnt from their family dynamic that life did not have to be so hard and harrowing. I became independent, I looked after myself, respected myself, started to love my life, started to really live. I educated myself. I did a lot of work on myself, became stronger and very focused on my dreams, that were starting to materialize before me. Then later down the line, came the day that I met my husband, this wonderful man, I fell in love with the person he made himself out to be, yes, he misled me and manipulated reality. But I did not know this, I did not go looking for an addict, narcissist and abusive relationship, I did not want to relive history.
How is it my doing that I end up here? How could I have known who he was, if he was lying to me? I sought zero comfort in an abusive relationship just because it is what I knew and grew up with. Did he see a crack in me that allowed him to push his way in? And then once in, the real damage started, a kind of dynamic than no other woman would have tolerated? But I did because I just didn't want to believe someone could do this to me yet again?
I find this area of growth extremely hard to wrap my head around.
Personally, I have had to separate this with the reason why I chose my spouse.
It took a lot of therapy and opening myself up to learning about who I was at the time I met him, who I became and the person I want to be.
We are always a work in progress.
Rather than try to wrap your brain around why you ended up with him, try to see what you can learn about yourself in this process.
I am a much better human being, I have far more compassion for myself and my husband and everyone else, I have let go of judgement and I find joy in many things now, but again, it took a lot of work on my part to get here.
Somehow though it has come together as it should I had a hole in me and my husband also we chose to heal and grow stronger together. It wasn't easy it wasn't perfect it isn't finished, but I am thankful that in many ways we were well suited to heal together. Just as you were a good match in your unhealthy relating you can both with work find healthy relating and in General your relationships with others will improve and some you will let go of and see the same unhealthy relating.
We are all deserving of heaven and made for the garden there is nothing wrong with knowing we deserve more because we do it just won't be here that we have it. As it says don't be surprised when terrible things happen they have been since the beginning (I am paraphrasing). Blessings there is much to be hopeful for...
We have to remember that underneath the addiction is a real human being.
This person does have qualities outside of the addiction that we were attracted to initially.
It wasn't all false.
Thanks for reminding me of this.
Post therapy I sometimes feel complete confusion, when my therapist passes a comment, such as 'well its no surprise why you ended up with him' etc... And doesn't back it up with anything tangible. But she is not an expert in this area of addiction, so maybe she is clutching at straws or maybe she is on to something but is unable to put it into words. So thanks again for helping me see the light.
lots if blather to say that "I" am the only one I can fix, focusing on anyone is a vane effort to hide from ourselves.
However, I wouldn't be so quick to judge who is weak and who is strong. Any decision takes strength when it comes to either living with an addict or leaving one.
The most important message a spouse needs to take away from all of this is that there is trauma that needs to be treated professionally.
A marriage can only be strong when both parties recover from the addiction.
As I listen to others in twelve step and group therapy, there are many common characteristics that addicts share, both good and bad. I do think there's truth to the thinking that we don't fully develop emotionally and socially. We are also people pleasers and show compassion to others. We have hidden so much of ourselves from the light of day, sometimes I wonder how much more I could have accomplished in life. Not that I have given up, to the contrary, I have been given the opportunity to live life as the person I always knew I should be. I am not perfect and never will be, but soon to turn 50, I am writing the next chapter. A coupe weeks ago I heard someone in group say "I am not perfect and have sinned, but there is only one being in the history of mankind that hasn't" and that was a powerful statement. There are things about myself that I shouldn't change as I don't want to be a different person, just a better one.
Finally, let me put this thought out there. It takes two people to build a relationship but It takes two patient, strong, and compassionate people to re-build a relationship. I would venture to guess that the re-built relationship is far stronger that the initial relationship. That's not to say everyone should be subjected to our circumstances but everyone reading this has been, either by addiction or the trauma it has caused.
To the wives and partners, if the addict you are with is in a twelve step program, try not to decide to leave until they get past their fourth step. Taking ones personal inventory (honestly) is an eye-opening, life changing experience. There are no guarantees, but you will see the biggest strides during that phase of recovery.
Recovery is a life-long experience, both for the addict and partner. That's not a life sentence, but rather an opportunity to grow as individuals and as a couple.