Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
I need some advice on this question: Do SAs want their spouses to ask them how their struggle is going? My h hasn't admitted a problem, but he is keeping track of porn viewing (on the calendar sometimes, sometimes not) "for me".
Flash back: Several years ago he told me he was trying to quit strip clubs. I said okay, stop going to strip clubs (not knowing anything about SA and the danger of being passive or flippant about this issue for him and us). Then a few months later he kind of got frustrated with me and said "you could ask me how it is going once in awhile!"
Back to present time: That statement of his from several years ago seems like an admission of a problem and a request for help. Now I am wondering if I should inquire sometimes... or by asking am I moving into his "stuff" and should I just keep going to meetings, take care of myself and stay out of it???
Flash back: Several years ago he told me he was trying to quit strip clubs. I said okay, stop going to strip clubs (not knowing anything about SA and the danger of being passive or flippant about this issue for him and us). Then a few months later he kind of got frustrated with me and said "you could ask me how it is going once in awhile!"
Back to present time: That statement of his from several years ago seems like an admission of a problem and a request for help. Now I am wondering if I should inquire sometimes... or by asking am I moving into his "stuff" and should I just keep going to meetings, take care of myself and stay out of it???
Asking in and of itself is not the issue. The problem comes when he believes he is being smothered, manipulated, or controlled. Here is the kicker, it is how he infers it, regardless of wether or not you are trying to smother, manipulate, or control him. What you actually heard whenhe said "you could ask me... once in a while" is that he felt detached or abandoned. Again, your intention here is irrelevant, is how he sees it. It is a Catch 22.
One way you may approach him is to make yourself vulnerable first. Ask him is it is okay for you to honestly share YOUR recovery progress with him. Then, leave it open for him to share his with you. If he does its because he felt safe enough to do so. If he doesn't is because he is not ready.
soberone
The reality is that we all come from a similar core need to be loved accepted and desired, but we need those needs met in different ways. It is very interesting to me to begin considering that maybe God had my specific needs in mind when he put my wife and I together. What if I look to her strengths to determine the difference between what I need and what I want. I.e. Maybe I need what she is without any adjustment.
They don't want to really listen, just want a parrot statement.
It sounds to me like both of you need to talk about what you are feeling and need from each other and what is going on with the both of you. You won't know otherwise and going about things as they are now isn't giving you the peace of mind you want.