We make amends to forgive ourselves and when to do so does not cause harm to others. My sponsor has suggested an 'ash-amends.' For those who have passed or to make direct amends would cause harm, I write out my amends, say a prayer to my Higher Power and burn the amends, scattering the ashes.

There is also a site I contribute to monthly in my feeble effort to make amends to the prostitutes and massage 'therapists' I visited over the years of my addiction: http://www.newfriendsnewlife.org/. I know it can never be enough, but if my contribution serves to help even one woman, then something good has come out of my addiction.

Good on ya early

Sometimes, when direct amends can't be made, I think the general intention to move forward the wiser and treat everyone better is amends enough. I like the idea of contributing to a reputable charitable group also. But, Earlyriser, I'm afraid that singling out one person to be a substitute is not a good idea. I hope you consider it done now, and not continue with the 'transference'.


There are some things that I've done, in an area not specifically sexual, but that have influenced my social behavior and so indirectly affected my social and sexual choices. I used to be rejecting of people that I thought were 'below' me in school, and I thought I had to dissociate from them in order to advance socially. Typical story. I have moved and can't make it up to those individuals, but now I try to respect everyone, and look deeper than I could as a kid. I haven't picked out just a single underdog to favor anymore, but really try to treat everyone more as equals. There were also two particular small children that I should have defended and didn't, and so now I do defend any children that I see being abused in any way.

I like what you've said Bow - by making amends we move to a place of greater respect and understanding of others and hopefully end the judgemental phase of life. I look forward to the time when I am able to live in steps 10,11 & 12 full time and if I 'blow-it' realize my error and immediately make amends

Cool, borntorun.

Step 10 is like a smaller, daily working of Steps 4 thru 11. It's a bit easier because we get into a habit of monitoring ourselves and admitting when we make a mistake, and trying to correct it as soon as possible. Because we are a bit advanced in our recoveries by the time we get to 10 there is not the big backlog as in Step 4 and Step 8. I find myself on Step 6 and 7 a lot.
I keep doing the Steps, again and again and again. Step 4 can be like an annual review.

I think, actually, Steps 10 and 11 can be started before Step 9 is totally complete, as long as Step 8 is done. That's your list, and Step 11 can help you, and 10 is important to do every day, even while still doing Step 9. It could take a long time to finish Step 9, so as long as you continue to work on it, Step 11 can help, and Step 10 will keep you from getting a new big backlog of things to make amends for.

btw spouses and friends also do well to work the Steps. AlAnon does. We each need to work on our own issues, and do self-improvement, and the 12 Steps help families to have higher goals than just making things come out the way we each want them to.

XA

so true we can do the steps too ...honestly I think everyone should live those steps...there is a modified 12 step for spouses of SA's

I am still a bit confused about how the process works ...I get that you work through each step, but then you said you go back? my husband has said the same thing he just finished step 6 ...but he said that he will still do the other steps...at first I was like what the hell? thinking he meant that if and when he relapsed he would go back to step 1...now from what I can gather it just means that he will live those steps in his recovery....is that right?

ok, using Step 1 as the example. Let's say I do Step 1 today.. I admit that things are out of control.. then I do the others and by the end of the day things seem fine and I'm glad. But wanting to control things is something that might happen tomorrow too, and so we have to do it again.. remind ourselves that we do not have control over so many things. Okay, so then I have reminded myself and things go okay for awhile,, and then something happens to make me a bit upset and my first reaction is to try to control it to make it the way I think it should be.. then I have to remind myself again,, that the world will not submit itself to me.

For me, that's very scary.. I'm so insecure, with PTSD and all, that I have to do Steps 1, 2, and 3 together. I have to reassure myself that things won't all fall apart if I can't control them.. that I do believe that a Higher Power can work things out, and that it's really better if I 'let go (of control) and let God), and I get sooo surprised when things actually do work out!

Steps 6 and 7, after doing Step 4, I have my list of things I need to work on, and ask God to heal and/or work out,, but they say it's like an onion, each time I get ready for God to remove some defect, I soon find that I have more that I may not have realized,, so,, when I do get to the next layer of the onion,, it's Steps 6 and 7 again. That's what I meant by that I am in Step 7 very often. More defects to work on.
If we keep working the Steps, then chances of relapse are much much smaller than if we think we have fully recovered after doing them once.

makes sense...I see now that its not really going back to them but constantly living through them...and you could potentially work through step 7...then months later go back to it for more work...

Addicts are in perpetual recovery and it is often helpful to redo steps as more becomes revealed to us. For instance I redid my first step a year after doing it the first time - it was a completely different perspective and very helpful to me and humbly to the entire fellowship as I was able to see and admit to habits and harms I was completely obtuse for previously. The steps are a never-ending journey.

yep

This is a very painful but valuable step in the process. It's such a painful part in the process that many fear it and go back into acting out..but it's so nice to be able to get to it.
Whatever steps are taken to promote healing are worthy.
It's when we focus on what harm we've done rather than what was done to us that self pity is dropped and real healing occurs.
Sometimes we are too late to connect with ones we've harmed..i also knew one person who has since passed..it's a great idea about the ashes.
Thank you for the tip.
Love to all.