Rahui,

What is happening to you is what in the addictive cycle is called escalation from what you are describing which is after watching a specific fetish porn, your fantasies are all about that after watching it. It is not unusual.

However, if that were your attraction, there is no reason to be ashamed because shame and guilt fuel the addiction.

That being said, the first thing that needs to happen would be to enter a recovery program to learn healthy sexual behaviors, it will take time to overcome it, it took me 2 years to get back to "normal" and the tools I acquired during recovery I am using in my sober life every day.

Now for the meat of my post, first of all, nothing porn shows you is even close to reality, it is so remote that it cannot be even called reality. So with that criteria, the size of your penis has nothing to do with your ability to satisfy a partner. It has everything to do with how you feel about them and they feel about you. That is why communication is important but at the same time, you cannot have a healthy relationship if porn is present in your life.

For more information about the damages of porn watching,please direct yourself to yourbrainonporn.com.. It is chuck full of resources to consider.

Hope this helps,
Wolf (5 yeas sober)

You have a lot of questions which deserve to be answered. Please look at this website. It will help you understand your addiction, how it impacts your brain chemistry and what you can do to stop.
www.yourbrainonporn.com
also this website is designed for people your age and will help you find support www.fightthenewdrug.org

Thank you wolfiepa for advice.
Thank you so much shanas for links.

Rahui,

I recommend discipline, spirituality, and educating yourself on the problem. All of that will lead you to a solution you can apply, and then your realities of what you want will override your fantasies that are created from the addiction itself.

I cannot relate to the homosexual characteristics of your addiction, but I entered into a phase where I was fantasizing about women much older than I, thinking I was destined to end up with a woman much older than I, I"m talking 30 years my senior.

That lead me to the realization that something deeper was driving me to that irrationality, I couldn't say that was the ideal partner for myself with confidence and others agreement, so I saw after searching that I just wanted to use someone, and older women who are lonely are vulnerable and tolerate a lot of bullshit, which I am great at providing and creating, so in a denial that I wasn't worthy of someone my own age or someone who I honestly could truly love and be with forever, I fantasized and "practiced" being with older women.

A comedian on TV said whilst entertaining a middle aged man with vigor like myself could very well give a woman much older than he a serious health problem or event, and then it hit me, how out of bounds I was in thinking I could put myself in that position and how inconsiderate it would be. The better part of that is my attitude towards older woman actually improved after I admitted I just wanted to use them, and also rebel towards society like "you all shall be shocked as I boast of sex with the older woman I have conquered." Now I have much more confidence when dealing with older women, and in an amending fashion, I am actually treating them like real queens. They don't need to know I had a secret agenda of conquering and controlling them, but it is critical to know what you are dealing with, the illness, and is also crucial to identify specifically the things that are preventing your from growing.

It sounds like your homosexual fantasy might have to do with feelings of inferiority possibly, do you experience any superior feelings whilst watching porn? If you're a true sex addict, there is no willpower when it comes to going against the decision to act out, so it might just be a simple compulsion that is leading you to have shame filled guilt based homosexual sex, the fact that you're concentrated on your penis size signals some sort of inferiority, however God made you how you are, and most women will never admit this, but most of the nerves that mean something for a woman during intercourse are at the front of the genital, so size doesn't matter, psychologically they say it does sometimes to use ammo against our masculinity, and some greedy women associate member size with "more, more, and more", but any woman who wants to be with you for life and the ever after won't condemn you for your penis size, in fact if it is real love, she'll love you more for it, there pretty awesome like that when they want to be.

The problem with guys like me and you is our source of information about women is coming from professional whores, who have sex as a showcase of who women really are, which is a complete lie, women are much more than a naked body having intercourse. The women we watch having sex aren't normal, I can say that as a sex addict because I am not normal, however I do experience normalcy when I seek spirituality through 12 steps, or some other type of recovery intended program that allows me to see the truth and love more.

You did a great job by reaching out and asking for help, there are over 3000 members of this group on this site, and less than 10 actively participate or seek constant help like the real sex addict needs, if intending to be happy and no longer a slave to compulsion that leads to drastic and negative consequence consistently.

Keep wanting to do the right thing, ignore your ego, have constant contact with what you would understand to be God, and the path towards success will open and amaze you in the process.

Listen to Wolf also, Wolf is consistent and gives freely like the solution works best from.

Have a great day.