zen,

What you are experiencing at the moment is the result of many years of porn addiction. ED is often a by product of porn addiction, due to the many hours spent of masturbation.

Unfortunately, there's not much you can do about his current porn addiction or subsequent behavior until he himself realizes it, that is, until he hits bottom, as they say in the addiction vernacular.

However, you can take care of yourself and seek therapy and see what best course of action would be for you. If you have already been separated because of it, then you already know (regardless of whether he admits it or not) that this problem is not going away any time soon, so it would be best for your mental health to seek a resolution with the help of a qualified therapist who specializes in addictions, as to what would be best for you to do.

One thing I wanted to point out is that the habit of playing internet detective (though I realize , you feel is necessary) is actually working against you because it is increasing your feelings of alienation. I would venture to say, it amounts to self-torture since you already know what you'll find, so please do not continue on that behavior because it is not helpful to you, in the least.

Another issue on the table is that in a way, your husband has a point (I am not in any way excusing his behavior) but the fact is that is HIS addiction not yours and if he does not feel like he has a problem with it, then yes leave him be until he realizes it is a problem.

That, of course, does not mean that you have to put up with it and/or endure it, what it does mean is that if you need to take drastic action, like divorcing him because you realize that he does not want to change and/or this does NOT fall into the better or worse categories of your vows, you would have every right to walk away from it and seek a better life without him, as you so deserve.

But do try to see that this has nothing to do with you in a any way, I know is hard to grasp that it does not, when it feels that way but that's just an illusion. It was never about what you did/did not/fail to do, in the least. And it pains me to hear that it brought you to self medicating yourself, but I am relieved to hear that such habits are no more.

Let me put it to you this way, let's say that you insisted that it was about you or what you do not/could not do for him, as a former porn addict, I can honestly say that you'd not want to be any of those people he sees, there's no a shred of comparison and what they do, I'm sure you'd not have the stomach to do, and for good reason, you are not them. So brush off those accusing inner voices and realize that it was never about you, but everything to do with him and his addiction.

Hope this helped,
Wolf

To use the 'addict vernacular' ~~ since he sees it as his business and not connected with me, there is no 'bottom' to hit... therefore, the conflict will have no resolution insofar as our relationship is concerned. He's compartmentalized ... porn in one compartment, me in another and does not accept the fact that or see that what he does is a negative overlay to our entire relationship.

I've been to therapy and this topic was by far the single most talked about 'issue'... perhaps what precipitated our separation. Nothing seems to help my frame of mind. Simply knowing that he absolutely knows my feelings and thumbs his nose at me is what causes the damage. I can intellectualize my way through the fact that it's porn, it's disgusting and it's not part of me. What I cannot figure out how to deal with is that my husband doesn't want to touch me and doesn't care about how badly he makes me feel.

It's pouring salt in an open wound literally every night.

Why am I supposed to conquer my demons but he has no responsibility to do the same? Why are my feelings meaningless?

zen,

I disagree with there being no bottom to hit simply because it is happening without you. Hitting bottom can take many aspects, anywhere from you leaving him to him losing his job. But it has to be something traumatic for him to realize his addiction is indeed getting out of hand.

You said, "What I cannot figure out how to deal with is that my husband doesn't want to touch me and doesn't care about how badly he makes me feel." Perhaps, right now you could ask yourself why you are still in this relationship fully aware that he has no regard to your feelings, at this juncture, specially after you were already separated.

You asked, "Why am I supposed to conquer my demons but he has no responsibility to do the same? Why are my feelings meaningless?' Right now, I am not concerned with him as I am with you, he apparently could care less one way or the other, so what are you doing to take care of yourself? Do you have friends you can talk to? What does your therapy say about this situation?

You may think that your feelings are meaningless because he is not paying attention to them but they are valid, all the same. I know it does not help much but, at least, you know someone else sees them as valid.

You mentioned that living with his addiction is like pouring salt on the wound which is exactly what that is like yet again ask yourself, why you choosing to stay there? I do think you may want to discuss with your therapist about how you can resolve this in a way where your mental health is not at stake.

Have you tried couple's therapy? I know, it's a long shot if he does not see there is a problem but, at the very least, you can air out your concerns in a safe environment.

Again, I stress, and I know you do not want to believe me when I tell you that his rejection has nothing to do with you,as a person. Sex appeal is an inside job, it always has been. If I were to be devastated every time a date rejected me, I'd be a basket case, by now

We are led to believe that we are only desirable if others find us, as such. Nothing could be further from the truth. You are as desirable as you feel yourself to be.

It is true that your self esteem has taken a beating with your husband's thoughtless behavior but maybe you could regain your sense of self on firmer grounds this time with therapy, to learn how to love and approve of yourself on your own terms, not anyone else's.

Wolf

All good food for thought. I really liked the counselor I was seeing but that was a couple of years ago - unfortunately we moved and finding someone new where we live now is proving problematic, which is why I ended up here, talking this over with you :) !!

We've discussed therapy and his feeling runs hot/cold. I'm not actively looking for a therapyst now simply because I spent a year with the other person, virtually every session revolving around this issue, I ended up separating from my husband and within a few few short months, we were back together.

The thought that perhaps I need to focus in on is exactly what you said ...'regain your sense of self on firmer grounds this time with therapy, to learn how to love and approve of yourself on your own terms, not anyone else's...'

He's nearing retirement (5 months) which means he'll be home all the time :~( and I have years to continue working; I'm anticipating problems here...

Thanks for your insights - I am enjoying the idea exchange....

am I allowed to ask your gender? take care

Zen,

I am glad you have been able to air out your concerns with me and that they've been helpful to you. Perhaps, while you are sorting out your issues regarding his addiction, you may want to get a book called "You can heal your life" by Louise Hay. It was very helpful to me for a myriad of reasons. It teaches you exactly how you can learn to love and approve of yourself, as I spoke of it in my last post.

I can see how it will become harder as he will be retired and it is a serious concern, indeed. Hopefully, you'll be able to find someone you can talk to before that time arrives.

As for my gender, it is a tricky thing to ask me that question because it would be akin to ask me where I hail from, by that I mean there is not an absolute answer but for the sake of argument, I'm male.

I say tricky because there's more to it than that. Let's just say that I am one of those few lucky (some would argue about the luck factor) souls who knows from experience what it is like to be either of the gender binary system (male/female).

Take care,
Wolf

I've read a few 'self-help' books and always seem to come away pretty cynical and jaded ~ or maybe that's just me after years of this.

Did I mention that my first husband left me and three teenagers after having multiple affairs for 10 of our 18 year marriage?

All three kids have continuing adult issues b/c of his abandonment when they were teens ~ including teen pregnancy, prostitution, significant substance abuse and nearly-successful suicide attemptS...

So... the heal thyself route is fine, but right now, I'm just fed up and basically pissed off at the entire situation

Zen: You shared, " Those days are over and now I'm left with him having not changed a thing, saying that if he doesn't rub my nose in it, that I should stay out of his business." "Good" for you that those days are over!!!! You rock! Your health, both physical and mental, are your first priority.

His observation " I should stay out of his business" is interesting. It seems to me that you're the one feeling injured and lonely and he is doing as he wishes and also dictating how you may respond. Smacks of having ones cake and eating it to? That feels to me like "his business" is impacting "your" life. The fact that he would insist on doing something that is hurtful to you and he is aware..is very telling...isn't it? And though he is certainly entitled to his business, you are entitled to do as you wish too.

Thing is, what I'm saying, is that you have a right to live your life any way "you" choose. So, though he certainly can conclude that you should stay out of his business, he must also accept that you can "do" anything you choose to do as well. Are you willing to accept his dictating your responses? Or, are you willing to stand up for yourself?

I feel like it helps me in cloudy issues to compare more clear ones. For instance, if my H and I purchased a car together and then he determines that only he can drive it, though I must share the payment, I wouldn't quite agree with that analysis. So, I'd likely either insist on my right to drive, or I'd refuse to pay for a car that I can't drive. I'd likely use that money to buy a car that "I" can drive.

My H can and will do anything he chooses to do. But, if he chooses to do things that are hurtful to me, "I" am going to "do" something about that. See....I don't allow another any "right" at all to do hurtful things to me. So, "I" would have to do something about it. In my case, I let my H know, when I heard a "similar" response that it is "true" he can do anything he chooses, and if he chooses to do "that" I will have to choose to do something about the hurt it creates. And, "that" choice is one of many available to me. In my case, I let him know that if he continued, my feelings would come first, and either he, or I, would have to leave. Simple and pure truth on my part. I am not "willing" to stay and be hurt repetitively.

i am new to this system of experience my bf is the "first man"to not abuse me . however he too holds his porno on some pedistal , and lies about it to me i dont like dishonesty and whenever i find him doing thid thing , or know he has i walk away feeling as if he is cheating on me often while im in the house he seems to not care how it makes me feel. i have been sexually abused and have trust issues and the violence in some of the porn freaks me out even worse. tell me wolf when a man does this how can he with those same eyes look at a woman and say i love you ......it feels riddles with a forced plasticity.....what do i do plz help...

thank you thank you everyone for opinions here... i've been in a shut-down evaluating place for a couple of days and I guess I simply don't want to either A) admit that my opion here is very simple: stay and put up with it or B) leave.

There are so many layers to the dysfunction here. I've begun the search for a professional. When I was seeing someone 2+ years ago, this porn issue was the main subject the entire time.

It's so much more than that though, but all of our stores are, right, or we wouldn't be here searching for answers and advice.

I'm just incredibly tired of going through every day feeling alone, devalued and empty.

I'm just incredibly tired of going through every day feeling alone, devalued and empty.
I am so sorry you feel that way. I spend a great deal of time in that condition myself, so I realize . I will turn 60 this summer, and I can't believe the upheaval SA has caused in my life.
Sex addiction is so very destructive. I am glad you were able to stop drinking and that you are considering what is best for you.

Zen: You shared, "stay and put up with it or B) leave." When you have time to think it out, and you have all the time you wish to take, you'll find there are "many" more options than that. I thought that at first too...and then realized there were lots more choices. Talking to a couselor is a really good idea. Ask them about "boundaries", I think you'll find that helpful. Remember that just as he has the right to choose how he spends his time, you also have the right to choose how you spend yours. It took me a while to get that. And, it took me a while to be very open and honest about "my" feelings and what "I" intended to do about them. For instance, I've read, that some partners when they discover the porn usage, move into another bedroom and wait to see if their mate even cares about that. "I" came to understand that if a person feels no loss or discomfort from an activity, they're not likely to cease it. So, I can see where the break of any kind of intimacy "might" be a wakeup call. Then, perhaps, the other might see that there are some costs and losses to that behavior. And "if" those losses are felt as losses perhaps it might be a wakeup call? That's just one of "many" "other" choices to make before just leaving.

As of this moment, another vow to stop (after a major blow up)... I will be hopeful but wait and see...

The cynic in me simply doesn't believe it. And, to add insult to injury, I self~sabotage and only hurt myself as a result. Seriously stupid!