Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
Women,
As I dig into myself and sit here feeling these terible feelings that drive my addiction without the medication of acting out to save me. One of them is a deep and unmet need for affirmation which is what I was always chasing with acting out.
So, here I am having totally devistated my wife, sober for 6 months, and deeply feeling the jabs of her anger directly at the place where I am discovering is what I really need.
A sense that of being appreciated and affirmed. This is far more painful than giving up my acting out behavior. To realize that I am truely seeking to be affirmed. This is tightly correlated to my need to be respected.
The double bind here is this. My wife has no capacity to have any desire to respect, affirm or appreciate me while she is realing in the pain of being married to a pervert. (Don't focus on my self deprication here. Im past that.)
So, I need her to affirm me, and she is not capable at this point. I can understand that, but to fill this need I find myself going to meetings and here, and other places because my wife is not available for this. It is not her thing, she has never been very able to do much more than criticize even at the best of times. So going elsewhere for affirmation feels like creating distance.
Ouch it hurts!!! As I sit here crying I have no idea what to do next. I have been praying all day, for comfort, and nothing comes. I know there are convuluted expectations, anger and a 10 year old little boys emotions all mixed up in this, but it is really uncomfortable to be here with no answer.
The worst part. If my wife walked in and saw me crying right now, she would get angry and stab at my insecruty, or patheticness and leave. When all I need is to be held for a minute. I would trade lots of sex for ginuine affirmation. Thats what has clearly been missing. I hope to God this is not just another layer of pain, because it hurts like hell far more than the getting over the physical sex crap.
As I dig into myself and sit here feeling these terible feelings that drive my addiction without the medication of acting out to save me. One of them is a deep and unmet need for affirmation which is what I was always chasing with acting out.
So, here I am having totally devistated my wife, sober for 6 months, and deeply feeling the jabs of her anger directly at the place where I am discovering is what I really need.
A sense that of being appreciated and affirmed. This is far more painful than giving up my acting out behavior. To realize that I am truely seeking to be affirmed. This is tightly correlated to my need to be respected.
The double bind here is this. My wife has no capacity to have any desire to respect, affirm or appreciate me while she is realing in the pain of being married to a pervert. (Don't focus on my self deprication here. Im past that.)
So, I need her to affirm me, and she is not capable at this point. I can understand that, but to fill this need I find myself going to meetings and here, and other places because my wife is not available for this. It is not her thing, she has never been very able to do much more than criticize even at the best of times. So going elsewhere for affirmation feels like creating distance.
Ouch it hurts!!! As I sit here crying I have no idea what to do next. I have been praying all day, for comfort, and nothing comes. I know there are convuluted expectations, anger and a 10 year old little boys emotions all mixed up in this, but it is really uncomfortable to be here with no answer.
The worst part. If my wife walked in and saw me crying right now, she would get angry and stab at my insecruty, or patheticness and leave. When all I need is to be held for a minute. I would trade lots of sex for ginuine affirmation. Thats what has clearly been missing. I hope to God this is not just another layer of pain, because it hurts like hell far more than the getting over the physical sex crap.
Choose - I know you love your wife. I know you understand where you've put her and your determination to fight this battle. I have gotten on your case in the past for not stopping to see her perspective. And I am no perfect in the area of affirming my husband...but she is blind and I don't know how to help her or you.
I want to choose my words carefully because you are in a tender spot, but I think its safe to say you are well-respected by so many people on this board...the spouses especially. Now we have the benefit of not being personally attacked by your addiction, but I can see the effort you've put into recovery and it is something to be proud of.
I really am at a loss for what to say. And I'm afraid any advice I give could be wrong. But my PERSONAL thoughts....and this comes from a combination of what I I've read, been told, and heard from my husband personally:
My husband is nearly 7 months clean from both porn and masturbation. Two of those months were spent separated from me, and another couple of those months were spent dealing with my animosity towards him. A guy once told me that his wife's tears tore him up, but her anger made him shut her out. Well, I was out of tears and my poor husband only saw too much bitterness and hatred. Finally, about a month and a half ago, my husband told me that he was changing and he was not going to hold on to the shame I kept throwing at him. I realized then that, if he was going to return to porn, I would be part of the motivation. I was ugly and horrid. We finally talked and I told him I wanted to encourage him, but he had to agree not to act like I'm not affected by his past choices. I am and will probably always will be. My heart starts racing when I see a girl with half her chest hanging out, or when the wrong commercial comes on tv. He needs to know I'm very sensitive to those things because I don't trust what his choices would be...esp. if I weren't around. Anyhow, its not perfect, but we both had needs that weren't being met, much less addressed.
Which comes to you, Choose. You have changed your ways but have left tons of destruction in your path. You need to be willing to help your wife make her way through the damage, while at the same time not allowing her to pull you back into it. This is the tricky part. Is your wife, ummm....does she possess a "better-than-thou" attitude? Was she affirming before she found out about the porn issue? She really needs to be approached and encouraged in this area. Has she read anything on the subject of men and their emotional needs? A GREAT book would be "For Women Only." Not a perfect book, but a really great one. I'm sure there are others too.
Please, don't simply ignore this issue and hope it resolves itself. You messed up, but that isn't an excuse to ignore your needs. I know there wasn't much practical application in this post, but I hope you know most women only dream of having a guy as committed to recovery as you.
Praying for you.
I think your wife is still holding on to hurt and anger from the past, and because of her not wanting therapy she is unable to let go on her own.
For me personally, I recognise now that before i had therapy, my own reactionary behaviours were detrimental to my h's recovery. I would hold onto my hurt, shut down emotionally, then he would feel rejected and he'd jump back into porn. The other thing, i was feeling so hurt that i was too scared to forgive and let him back into my heart, for fear he hurt me again and relapse.
Now for you, in the past, you have been so sex focused, your wife possibly is keeping you on an emotional arms length for fear even a cuddle will lead to the assumption of sex.
I think it is getting to a point where it is important she get some therapy, otherwise this cycle will be detrimental to your recovery. Even couples therapy, to help with communication, at least. Mate you've come such a long way!
Would she be open to joining anonymously our "spouses" group?
{{{HUGS to you}}}