Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
I started watching porn in sixth grade after my image search for cheerleaders took an x-rated turn. Being raised as an evangelical Christian and getting purity culture jammed into my brain, I felt as guilty as I was interested.
It was in my Freshman year of High School that I realized I had a problem. I couldn't stop myself from watching it whenever I had the chance. I'd watch porn instead of doing homework or sleeping. I knew that I needed to tell someone, but I was so scared of what would happen that I shut up and just hid it more. Besides, I was still managing straight A's so I figured it wasn't all bad.
When I got my first girlfriend, I tried to stop for her sake. Lied about watching it too. No ill came out of that, except that I learned how deep my addition/compulsion got.
In college things really started to get bad. I was already depressed from other problems in my life and overwhelmed with adulthood and I turned to pornography instead of growing up. I passed college but with barely a b average and had to take an extra semester to do it.
Now I'm 30 and I've finally admitted my problem for the first time. To my wife because she found it and found it all. I guess I could congratulate myself on how well I was able to hide this from everyone close to me. (sarcasm)
It's been a long day and it seems that my marrage is not destroyed. At least not yet, but I need to change. This damn compulsion has cost me so much in my life, and now I'm hurting those around me. This is just step one. I'm finding a therapist to coach me through quitting but also opening up and actually admitting my problems to people.
Thanks for listening.
I have had several "false starts", of thinking I hit rock bottom, wanting to change, working for change, and then relapsing right back to where I was before. It's not easy.
I've recently read "Every Man's Battle", which I've found to be extremely helpful. It has framed the challenge and the journey and the end goal in a different light. I'm not sure how it would come across to a non-Christian, but even if you aren't a Christian I'd encourage you to read it, and approach it with an accepting mindset -- "what if all of this is true?" -- ad see if you find it helps.
And... write things down. Journal your thoughts and your progress. Especially in those early days - I found it valuable to capture my thoughts when the pain for me, and the pain that I caused my wife, was so fresh and the emotions were raw.
It will be a long journey - keep at it!
Wishing you the best!