I guess I don't have any advice. I think you are doing the right thing by laying out what you're willing to do and willing to live with, and resolving to remove yourself from the situation if you have to.

He knows he's hurting you, and you've given him the option to stop. If he's not an addict, the choice comes down to whether he'd rather have you or pornography. If he is worried that he can't stop, he'd probably an addict, and needs to fight this as an addiction, which you seem willing to help him do.

Unfortunately, you doing everything right won't guarantee that he'll make the right choice.

I can recognize where he seems to be right now. I spent quite some time in the passive space. It is likely that he is in damage limitation mode right now, hoping he can firewall as much of this addiction from you as he can, keeping it in tact, below the surface, until it has "blown over". Looking at my own journey I think what pushed me into proactivity was the very real liklihood that my wife would leave, regardless of what I disclosed any further. This confronted me with the fact that I could not conserve my addiction, that I had to kill it OR I could have a go at letting it consume me, get divorced, and see if I really was just a few more porn binges away from Nirvana. I think it shook me enough to make progress. I conceded to admitting that it was an addiction, i was seeing an addiction specialist, and finally I went for square one, to disclose all to my wife and to my therapist and to really fight this beast. My wife recognized my tendency to hide and deflect so she wrote me an email, it had a number of open and closed questions, about what, when, where, how many times, etc and I felt safe enough to actually answer them. I truly believed that my wife had had enough and anything short of the truth would fail, even if the truth might end it too I had little choice. It is an almost impossible task for you as the spouse to take any responsibility for opening the eyes of the addict, you simply need to protect and empower yourself and that usually shakes the tree until the actual man you married falls out. Very best of luck.

Thank you! @dlansky I understand that it's not guaranteed, I wish it were that simple. I am willing to stick with him if he gets help, but again as we all know I can't force him. I think the hardest part is knowing that I can't erase his mind from all that he's seen. It still hurts me everyday to think about the challenges ahead. He did say he would stop but then quickly made the comment, "but what happens in like 3 months when I get the desire to" that put up a red flag right away but the only answer I had at the time was "well if you are aware it might happen than don't act on it" not realizing it's not that easy I guess. It hurt my feelings when he used the word "desire" because it's a feeling I no longer feel from him about me, nor is it something that he exclaims for me. @BryanHoward I understand what you are saying, I guess I just find it hard not to take the responsibility when I just want it to work so badly. And unfortunately all I have is my leaving as a last resort. Thank you for sharing and advice. And good luck on your journey.

There are ways of doing a form of in-house separation, like doing the 180: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

While I did not do everything on that list, we began to sleep separately, and I reviewed that list to remind me how to care for myself and separate myself emotionally from him from the time that withdrawal got really bad to post-disclosure. He also really needed to see what separation was going to look like for him to really "get it"--to see that the single life wasn't all that it cracked up to be in the fantasy, and that it was going to be bloody lonely.

Alexis,
Definitely don't be quick to jump on the addiction band wagon. I for one don't buy it. My husband made choices. Every single time, he chose to disrepect me, betray me, do things that he knew could make me sick or kill me, things that he knew would destroy me.

Yes, I know exactly how you feel. I have so much evidence, I have my husband dead to rights. Still he acts like nothing is wrong, he won't come clean, we live in la la land. He is in therapy but he hasn't told his doctor the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

He tells his doctor a minimum amount of information and has left out 75% of what he has done to me. That tells me in a loud, clear voice that he is not serious about getting help. It is NOT a good sign that he wants to stop his therapy. How does he think he will ever get better and be the husband that you deserve.

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, it's just not right.

Hugs!

Does it matter whether or not his unacceptable marital behavior is described as an addiction? I know it doesn't matter to me. If I step in something icky, does it matter what it's name is? It's still icky, right? I just want it off me? I think you always have the ground to set up boundaries about how anyone can interact with you. You counselor says that she doesn't think he'll comply with the boundary. So, what if you give it, and he doesn't? Can you just instill the results? You shared that you take your vows seriously. That's good. But, apparently he doesn't? If he doesn't take your boundary seriously, and you do leave, does that have to be permanent at this time? Just something to think about.

@sandcastlefaith Thanks for the link and the advice!

@Ann1954 How do you live like that knowing that your husband will never admit to it.... does he still do it? I'm so sorry, no one deserves this type of pain. And yes I'm not buying into it just yet, because his exact words to me that night were "of course if you were okay with it I'd still do it."

@Learningskills I can always count on you to put a good perspective on things with just words. You ask that if I leave does it have to be permanent... honestly I do believe if I leave- that is it. I do not like second chances, plus he's gotten plenty in our marriage. If he needs to get help than so be it... he will decide that for himself, but damage has been done. I guess I can't tell the future and totally rule it out, but I do feel that I wouldn't want to come back knowing what has already taken place. Plus he was real quick to let his first marriage go, and when I suggested I leave a few weeks back, there seemed to be no hesitation (even though I know it's my choice). And again you are absolutely right who cares if it's an addiction or not, it's unacceptably. In fact I think an addiction is more tolerable, at least there's some form of excuse (not justifying behaviors)... he just always said that growing up in his home porn was acceptable... yet he couldn't have thought it was that okay if he was hiding it from me. He exclaimed that the weekend of my birthday my best friend was visiting from out of state and her and I were sitting out back catching up while he watched porn for a bit. I thought my heart was in pieces before that... that really did it in. Thanks again.

Alexis you shared a thought " yet he couldn't have thought it was that okay if he was hiding it from me." Good thinking. I don't think that for me addiction is a viable excuse, nor more than I think a drunk driver running over me is a viable excuse. Whether it's my feelings and happiness that's getting run over, or some part of my body getting run over, the fact is that it is hurting me. If I know a person has a propensity to drive drunk, I'm going to stay out of the way. And, if I know a person has a propensity to do hurtful things, I'm going to stay out of the way.