Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
I thought I had married the love of my life when I discovered last Thursday he had a 2nd SIM. He admitted having at least 11 erotic massages in our 4 year relationship along with excess porn use and masturbation. He has been having erotic massages for the last 14 Years since he was 21, also through prior relationships. He admits to sleeping with at least 6 prostitutes, plus received oral sex on other occasions however has denied this happening during our relationship. He has faced up to being a sex addict and I have certainly lost control over my anger at him for it. He attended a sex addicts anonymous meeting on Sunday, however last night when we were going to go and tell his parents together what had been going on he has decompensated and left me. I am 4 months pregnant with our first baby and don’t know what to do? Will he come back to try to make a mend or is he gone for good. I was devastated but hoping for the opportunity that he may want to recover and try to repair our relationship. Please help with thoughts/advice....
In the 12 steps, it is important to work the steps up to step 8 for a very good reason. My husband knew a little of my acting out and was glad I was in recovery. I waited, with great anxiety I would say, until I had 'become entirely ready to make amends' and so I had the weight of months of sobriety behind me. I then followed advice of my sponsor and prayed the most I have done in my life. I am grateful that I was able to be honest with him but I had been prepared to tread carefully so that my children would be less likely to have a Mother and Father splitting up. I am fortunate indeed that my husband is really with me in this and I think had time to prepare himself.
When I began to make direct amends it was not the same as disclosing all my acting out to those for which it would not serve any purpose. I considered carefully whether it would cause more harm. It was not about me assuaging my conscience and dealing with my guilt. Some amends are not direct. Instead, working the 12 steps rigoursly so I am living a better way and having healthy relationships with those close to me, is an ongoing amends. Your partner needs to get into recovery first.
Keep faith. Four years must count for something. He is a sick man. All addicts are. It was really good that he went to SAA. That is how I have got into recovery. My life has been changed so much. I don't feel a loathing for myself any more. I have hope and some self esteme. Shame is not what it was because I am working the programme and keeping sober. It has been a year of sobriety now. My relationships are more healthy. I have greater intimacy and can handle my emotions without acting out on them. Have you had yourself checked out for a STI? Sorry if this is distressing, but it would put your mind at ease.
Keep in touch. I will try to log in more often.