Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group

Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.

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EmTheo 07/22/2009

My h has been great lately. Great meaning: participating in the family, being an emotionally present father and husband, no unexplained absences in the evenings. Keeping track of porn viewing on the calendar (he says he doesn't have a problem but says he will stop "for me"). Manipulative/controlling comments have lessened. The other day I said I was going out for awhile to a coffee shop to do some journaling. He said "no, because I don't want you to have any independent thought". Then he laughed and said "take as much time as you need" (not that I was asking). In the past I don't know if he would have been joking (even now I still didn't laugh... but I thought at least he was aware enough to verbalize his crazy thought pattern and tried to share it with me as a joke). It has been about 5 weeks since I started going to S-Anon. I am wondering how long he is going to be like this. I know he doesn't like it that I'm going, but he can see that I am determined at any cost. It almost seems like he is acting great so he can turn things around on me and say "why are you going to those meetings for no apparent reason? Our problems are in the past and you are taking time away from us together as a family." But I don't want to be a total pessimist (although I have every reason to). Don't want to totally discount the possibility that maybe he really is changing and I succeeded in "lifting his bottom". Maybe me simply going to S-Anon and "outing" him on a new level really did the trick. I know it is way too soon to say... but just wondering if anyone else has gone through this period of good behavior and what did you think of it?

TiredLittleTanager 07/23/2009

Thing about Anon meetings is you know it never ends... It gets better, but it doesn't end. So you'll be goin' til your dyin' day. Gotta accept that. You sound like you're doing great, doing what you need to do. Don't take his effort as anything other than what it is. He may be struggling to wrap his head around it all, and he can come off cocky and annoyed with the issue. He's just going to have some emotions and reactions that are bare and unchecked. You'll just have to deal with it. But the fact that he said that bit about the independent thought - and then LAUGHED... shows to me that he is doing exactly what you think - he's verbalizing his thoughts and trying to work with them, instead of letting them just run rampant. I dunno. It sounds like you're in the midst of progress... Just keep goin' with the flow. *shrugs*

deleted_user 07/23/2009

I have to disagree with Tired. I think he's building up for an "explosion." I don't trust his little comment to you. I think he's hiding his anger and whatever is under the anger with sarcasm and sweetness to floor you later with some big drama that your not going to expect because he had been so nice to you. Enjoy it for what it is- a break in the continuum but I get a bad feeling he isn't done. People just don't change that quickly. Just my opinion.

ChooseThisDay 07/23/2009

OK, I have not been to an alanon or s-anon meeting, but one if my 10 year saa buddies, got all over my case about being all over my wifes side of the fence. Then he told me that he goes to -anon meetings to help remind himself to stay out of his wifes stuff.

So, call me naive, but I think you are doing a GREAT job em going to your meetings finding out how this whole thing works and how you have to deal with why your part of this sex addicts life. Stuff like "raising his bottom" and waiting for the other shoe to drop all sit precariously on getting into his stuff.

What I am trying to say, is I remember the anxiety in your posts, and the light bulb moment when you came to the resolve to go to s-anon meetings regardless of his reaction. Now 5 weeks into it and you are sounding very centered, and thoughtful and even wondering what to do with the whispy "independant thought" comment.

Well, I would hope that giving his intentions the beneift of the doubt and watching his actions would be a good course of action.

I am very proud and excited that you are going to meetings. God wants us to be in relationship, and the meetings are a great place to relearn how to do that well.

Good Luck, and God bless you!

A

EmTheo 07/23/2009

Relearn! that is a good way of describing what is happening here... I am relearning how to connect to God, myself and others around me because for some reason healthy connections got lost a long time ago. I'd like to side with Tired and Choose that progress is happening... but not fooling myself either... I know down days may come along with the ups...but here's to being centered enough to face the downs when they happen! Even if he does explode at some point I'm feeling strong enough to detach from that reaction and leave it as part of his stuff... and I see his positive efforts are his stuff too and I shouldn't claim responsibility for it...I'll just enjoy it. Thanks for the words of encouragement!!

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