I have finally realized I was in the victim mode since the confession date in October, and I found comfort there. It has not been until recently when I started to lose my best friend because of that that I realized, I can be hurt and have compassion for myself but not at the rate I was going. I was completely swallowed up in what had happened, what I couldn't change, and how was my husband ever going to take care of his "problem" whatever that may be. About this time I decided I was going to plan a life without him and get my ducks in a row. I was experiencing anger, frustration, aggression, intimidation, hostile behavior, lack of help with the kids, no communication, another time that I was told he needed his space (I hardly see him- and it never gets easier to hear), control and so on from my husband that I decided it was time to get a back up plan.

Once I started the motion of this action (without him knowing) he suddenly shifted and has started to become a different person, sort of. Like he's been helpful and he has been nice and talks to me more. He has actually wanted to spend time together. Now I am still wondering why and what happened that he just shifted somewhat.

I haven't resisted it, I have just accepted the change, but not without a thought in my mind as to where this suddenly came from. I should be happy and instead I find myself wondering if there is an ulterior motive or if he is again watching or withdrawing from pornography. Whatever the issue may be it has not stopped me from wanting to get a plan b set-up. Nothing surprises me any more and for the track record given, he's never really consistent.

Any who, I just wanted to share that I am finally feeling better. Sure I sometimes get anxious and my intuition goes wild. I have not found anything incriminating, and I have lessened my snooping to almost non-existent. I have focused on myself and my kids. I finished my bachelors and I am on the road to starting my Masters. I feel so much better that now I have a degree I feel more content knowing if I had to leave maybe finding a job would be a bit easier. It's just my comfort in knowing that even if it's not likely. I have taken a different route and have not focused so much on my husband his problems and just him. I have started to speak up if something bothers me or if I am being treated unfairly. I now realize I deserve a lot more than I am getting (not because I am God's gift to the world), because I am good person and no one deserves this kind of treatment. I wouldn't wish this type of tragedy on anyone.

My journey hasn't been that long, and it hasn't been the most devastating as I have read others stories on here. But it impacted me greatly. I cannot even explain all that I lost with this. I can't even begin to express how awful I felt and what it did to me as a person. But even with all the negative I gained a lot of positives. Like I realized how I feel matters and I shouldn't be ashamed of why I feel the ways I do. I have strengthened my beliefs and now clearly see what I believe in and how I want my life to turn out. I have decided that my goals and dreams matter too. And most of all I have realized I am ready to rebuild my faith. I valued marriage very much, it was the primary reason I didn't throw my husbands computer at his face (figuratively speaking) and jump ship right away. I wanted nothing more than a marriage to overcome this and now I have accepted how flawed marriage is and can be.

So... basically this is a renewed me, somewhat. I still struggle here and there with triggers and thinking back. But I now see my choices (thanks to an exercise my counselor had me do). I have accepted that this is my life right now even though this is not what I ever envisioned. I let that go. I have found comfort in prayer and meditation, and also telling myself positive affirmations daily. I am finally just trying to really live in the present moment, and take it one day at a time. Even though I am broken, I am rebuilding the pieces and leaving the old ones where they fell.