Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group

Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.

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A New Decade

jwh02314
jwh02314

Hi,


I started looking at porn about 6 years ago at the age of maybe 14. I have been in a relationship with who is now my wife for 2 years now (married in april). I think I used it as a coping mechanism going through middle and high school because I was stressed out by school and not the best family sutuation. From when I first looked until October 2017 I'd say I did it about every day, sometimes multiple times. Sometimes it probably took up almost all time I wasn't at school. I was also stressed due to working and being in school at the same time for the end of 9th grade to graduation. I graduated in 2018. I met my wife in December 2017, having not looked at porn (or even doing anything without it) for 2 months. Once I got to know her more and get closer, the conversation about porn just randomly came up, maybe a month or 2 in. In the beginning of the relationship, she said that porn didn't really bother her and that she'd even looked before. She was unaware at that time just how big of a problem at had been for me. Hearing someone say it wasn't that big of a deal must've made me feel that it was okay to go back to it, and I did, after all that time stopping. Ever since then it seems to happen every month or so. In June 2018, not knowing I was looking again, my wife had a change if opinion and said that if she ever found out I was into that, she'd leave. I didn't open up to her until that October. We didn't argue, but it was a very emotional conversation for sure. I told her my entire history with porn, and some of the deeper things that I think contribute. We both began to look at it with a different perspective. She told me that she wants me to quit for me, not just for her. She thinks that telling me to not look cold turkey or she'd leave was harsh, and that she wants to fight this together and see me get better. Thats pretty much where it still stands. I'm working on it and we both know it might take a while. I love my wife so much for being so supportive and understanding. She tells me she'll always love me and be with me even if this problem never completely fades away. I can't even comprehend her unconditional love and patience for me. I always tend to feel really guilty and beat myself up about the smallest of things (besides this) and I'm learning to dust myself off and get up rather than beat myself up over and over again. My wife is able to understand what could almost be called my mental self-harm because there was a time where she felt she couldn't stop physical self-harm. I think because of the way I was treated by my family growing up, I never really formed a relationship with myself. I'm trying to work on that and just finding the balance between taking this problem seriously but not so seriously that I just hurt myself more. I now know I need to take it slow, take my time. It's taking longer than I want it to but I can't keep rushing it and beating myself up about it. A goal that I've made for myself is to keep this problem in this decade where it started. I'm reaching our for any support I can find. My best friend (who has also struggled) and my wife are both such amazing support, but a little more can't hurt. The reason I am posting tonight is because I found this site in an article I found right after giving in once more. I feel bad for what just happened but this support group is really giving me hope and I think I could really benefit from whatever anybody has to say. I apologize if this is a little all over the place, gotta wake up early for work and I'm really tired. I am willing to go more in-depth and into greater detail about my situation for anyone who's curious.


Thanks!

Heismercy
Heismercy
You are fortunate. Many have to break out from the walls that shame creates around us. Cocooning in the isolation, talking to a human about this addiction can be monumentally difficult. What a great wife you have. If you continue to be honest with her I think you will develop a motivating accountability partner leading and pulling you in the direction of success. You have great insight into your psychological health. Beating yourself up only produces regression and you are safeguarding yourself against that. Our value is much deeper than what we do. I couldn’t help but think about the way Christ loves us when you were describing the qualities and attitudes your wife is extending to you. We are God’s children and that is enough to let you know you are valuable. Bravo on your mature insight and making an educated first step. Don’t be discouraged and treat yourself kindly. Positive self image will reduce your recovery time. A negative self image will extend it.
jwh02314
jwh02314
Both me and my wife seem to have a rare personality type and a deep insight into our psychological struggles as well as being able to see deeper into the psychology of those around us. We are both able to read people very well and sometimes see things coming before they happen, it's kind've strange. We are supposedly both INFJ's on the Myers-Briggs test. I sometimes wonder if all of this only contributes to our rare and very deep connection, that of which I cannot express how much I am thankful for. Every time I give into my addiction I do give myself a really hard time for it. I ask myself so many questions that aren't necessarily helping. I think I really focus too much on how it's hurting her rather than me. I seem to put her first sometimes and I need to stop doing that so much. When I ask her about it she says it's not really affecting her other than seeing what it does to me. She genuinely wants me to do this for me and not worry so much about her. I can't seem to comprehend that sometimes. The only reason I think I'm still struggling is because I'm still in the process if forming a relationship with myself. The environment I grew up in emotionally made me feel like I had to keep my emotions and opinions inside, and not express myself. I almost didn't feel equal to other family members, or even like a human being at times. Now that I'm finally away from all that, it's almost like I do it to myself. I'm finally on my own and the emotional abuse is gone, but because I am so used to having that in my life, I can't seem to stop doing it to myself. It's really strange that I'm almost abusing myself now that I'm away from the abuse. You'd think a person who is finally free wouldn't do this to themselves. What you said about self-image is spot-on as well. I've been rising the ups and downs of self-respect, self-esteem, and confidence since this relationship started and I'm still learning how to balance it all. Another thing I was gonna bring up in the main post is how hard this year has been for us. Other than getting married and being together, everything outside of that has been pretty rough. I know it's not an excuse for what I've done, but all this stress doesnt help. My wife lost her job and has been looking ever since May. I've been working all on my own. She's applied for probably near 100 jobs and they all say no or mostly, nothing at all. Her mom got breast cancer only for them to take it out, and found out she has cervical too. My grandma died, recently my car that I still owe a bit on broke down for good. Her brother has gotten into a relationship, engaged, is buying a house, and got his fiancée pregnant all since January and we haven't even really met her, so my wife is stressed about that because she feels like she doesn't know him anymore. He has been pretty absent during all this. She hasn't been the closest to her mom lately either do to similar unresolved issues like those I have with my father. It's just been really hard dealing with this and everything else. I know this is a problem and shouldn't be overlooked but it has actually been one of the smaller bad things going on this year. We just really want to stay positive going into this next year and decade. We are still hopeful despite all the negativity. We are such a strong couple. We dont bring eachother down when there's a problem, but rather, try as much as we can go do the opposite. Thank you for the kind response and support, it really helps! Gotta go clock in now...
Heismercy
Heismercy
Be proactive where you can(job search for example). It is possible to be empathetic and at the same time release stress for that which you have no control. (Your brother-in-law’s choice of partner and coming baby) for example. Be sure to fully grieve your grandma’s death. You can’t control your mother-in-law’s illness. It is not cold or uncaring to release the stress which the “not knowing” creates.

This may sound corny but if you put on paper all of your issues you can easily see what issues you have control over and a second list of the issues for which you have no control it will illuminate your course of action and minimize the stress and worry you are investing in those problems. If you look at those issues in one lump sum it can be paralyzing. Which way do I go? There’s no doubt you have a lot on your plate. If you can’t sleep at night you have to do something.
jwh02314
jwh02314
A lot of things you are saying are similar to things my wife has said. It is peak season at my job, Amazon, and I feel like I haven't had time for much. She has presented to option to write things down but I have not done that yet. I may feel busy but I do need to make more time to work on myself in a positive way. I keep thinking of more things I want to add to this conversation. I just wanted to bring up that I see myself really questioning why I still do this. Like the rational part of my brain says, "you have a wife now, etc., you don't need this anymore" or "how could you do this to her when she loves you so much." My brain has obviously been rewired by porn. Whenever I know I'm gonna be alone, which is rare, it comes into my mind right away. I thinking about it when I don't want to be, it's like an invasive though. It comes into my mind during work, and sometimes sex (which is probably my biggest issue with it, because I want to be totally focused on her). The more it happens more it invades my everyday thoughts and mind. I know I said this was a monthly or so thing, but it has been worse this month due to peak season. This is the first thing I've done outside of talking to my wife and I'm proud of that. I know this won't fix it for me but it will help. I REALLY want to make sure this doesn't go into the next decade. If it does, I won't beat myself up, but it is a big goal of mine. Another thing I hate is how much I see sexual content on the internet in normal places like Facebook. I'm glad I have control of social media, I can just leave it for a while, but at my job I'm kind've forced to see it because I pick sexual items, books, videos, etc. Most of these items are censored themselves, but not all of them. The images still pop up on the screen so you can locate them regardless. I want to get to a point where it doesn't phase me when I see at work, because it's just inevitably gonna be a part of the job. This might be TMI, but another thing my wife offered for us to try that we haven't yet, is make our own private things for me to watch and see. I could see how that might not help get some people out of it, but as long as it's my wife, it doesn't bother me. I feel like work can numb me and make me feel distant from her. I want to really see how close we can get in 2020, and try to keep it that way. Our relationship is doing good bit I have felt much closer in the past. I can't wait until peak is over. I know for sure that I need to eradicate this one barrier from my life to the best if my ability and keep it out if I want to feel closer and keep it that way. Thanks again for the responses! I already feel so much better! I know I can reach and surpass my goals.