Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
I've come to the realization that I've passed the 90 day mark for avoiding pornography and masturbation. I have learned a lot about myself and I know there is still much to learn as I continue on my journey to the next milestone of my life.
I have also developed a degree of anxiety (for lack of a better word) toward pornography. At the beginning, whenever the thought crossed my mind of whether or not I would indulge I would say, "Naw. That doesn't appeal to me." And I would consider myself a strong person and move on. Now, whenever the thought crosses my mind I think of how enticing it is and how much I would enjoy it, but then have my heart sink to the thought of how destructive to my recovery it would be to just look and I immediately get my mind on other things.
Before, I knew just based on failed attempts of recovery that just once was never just once. Now that I'm out of the fog I can see logically and clearly how the same is still true, and it gives me extra reinforcement to see that, now.
I remember on particular dream I had that I was looking at porn, and when I realized what I was doing in my dream (thinking that it was real life and not a dream) I heard a tangible voice in my head scream "NOOOOOOOOO!!!", dull at first, but rapidly increased in volume and clarity as though someone was screaming out the window of an approaching vehicle until it reached me, jolting me awake.
I know that every day is still a battle, but the difference between then and now is that now I feel more in command despite my raging hormones. Though I'm doing well, I know that the habits I've developed are my lifestyle now and that I shouldn't ever get the idea that, "I only have to live like this for X amount of days now." Is ever an acceptable thought. I am getting to the point where I act healthily by default which means I'm successfully transitioning good changes as my lifestyle.
For those still early in their recovery or who may have recently relapsed. Keep the hope that you can recover. It sure is hard work and requires a lot of discipline, but it is so worth it. You can be the next success story here. Keep working at it. You're not a failure until you stop trying.
With sincerity,
epratt
I have also developed a degree of anxiety (for lack of a better word) toward pornography. At the beginning, whenever the thought crossed my mind of whether or not I would indulge I would say, "Naw. That doesn't appeal to me." And I would consider myself a strong person and move on. Now, whenever the thought crosses my mind I think of how enticing it is and how much I would enjoy it, but then have my heart sink to the thought of how destructive to my recovery it would be to just look and I immediately get my mind on other things.
Before, I knew just based on failed attempts of recovery that just once was never just once. Now that I'm out of the fog I can see logically and clearly how the same is still true, and it gives me extra reinforcement to see that, now.
I remember on particular dream I had that I was looking at porn, and when I realized what I was doing in my dream (thinking that it was real life and not a dream) I heard a tangible voice in my head scream "NOOOOOOOOO!!!", dull at first, but rapidly increased in volume and clarity as though someone was screaming out the window of an approaching vehicle until it reached me, jolting me awake.
I know that every day is still a battle, but the difference between then and now is that now I feel more in command despite my raging hormones. Though I'm doing well, I know that the habits I've developed are my lifestyle now and that I shouldn't ever get the idea that, "I only have to live like this for X amount of days now." Is ever an acceptable thought. I am getting to the point where I act healthily by default which means I'm successfully transitioning good changes as my lifestyle.
For those still early in their recovery or who may have recently relapsed. Keep the hope that you can recover. It sure is hard work and requires a lot of discipline, but it is so worth it. You can be the next success story here. Keep working at it. You're not a failure until you stop trying.
With sincerity,
epratt
I do not not if I had personally mentioned this to you through your recovery journey but I feel I need to say it.
It is extremely vital that a change in perspective and language is made in the recovery journey. Everyday is NOT a battle, everyday is a learning experience. Everyday is NOT struggle, it is a step in the journey.
90 days into the journey is commendable and encouraging, yet you must keep in mind that, complete reboot is still in its embryonic stages, so vigilance is important right now.
Your dreams are indication of what is going on in your subconscious, on one hand your addictive mind still has the upper hand (see reference to embryonic stage of reboot) while your mind reboot is slowly taking over but not quite yet. So, in that sense you can see that change IS indeed taking place.
Here is where I speak about changing your vocabulary "I've passed the 90 day mark for avoiding pornography and masturbation" which, to me, indicates your focus still lies on the addiction where it should be on healthy activities. Why not say, "I've spent the past 90 days enhancing and improving my life"?
This is why I always stress that the instant that we seek recovery, we do not speak of it anymore. We are basically Pavlovian creatures, every time we say the word porn, a bell rings and the addictive mind reacts on cue which makes recovery harder.
So, by not saying/writing/mentioning those words, there is no reinforcement and it makes recovery less of struggle because it starves the addictive mind until it eventually shuts itself off, and if it does get triggered down the line, it will not react as strongly if at all because it has not had any reinforcement in quite a long time.
I speak from personal experience, once I sought recovery, I only spoke of the activities I was seeking to replace the unhealthy ones. When I had to do my check in with my mentor, I simply stated that I was still totally abstinent. I did not want to keep my addictive mind fed if my goal was to starve it to death.
You are right, that getting the idea that "only having to live like this for x amount of days" is not acceptable or feasible because the way you are learning to live now will be for the rest of your life.
Making it enjoyable and healthy/life affirming is the goal here. stick to the schedule of daily pursuits and it will become your new series of healthy habits that you will use for the rest of your life.
Keep up the good work,
Wolf (4 yrs sober)
Thank you for all your help.
For everyone struggling with relapse or slips, know that there comes a time in recovery (or your life enhancing improvements) where your thoughts and struggles ease and you become more aware of the positive direction your life is taking. This process is different for everyone and it may be harder for some but no matter how difficult it is, there does come a point when your thinking "normalizes" and past thoughts start to fade into the background.
We all know that this is an addiction that most have spent years wanting to break free from and once you make the commitment to yourself, you must do whatever you possibly can to maintain. The first few weeks are the most difficult but time will bring clarity to your recovery and long-term positive life changes.
And I thank everyone else for their support. It's nice to know that I have friends here.