Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
I recently decided to go to Florida with my husband for a training.... I knew in confirming this choice I was not 100% sure I wanted to. The other option I had for myself was to go home for this break and be with family and friends who can support me. And get help with my babies.
We got into an argument about the trip and how he was making plans that weren't related to work, but to where I wasn't allowed to tag along. I was already aware that at his company Christmas party I wasn't allowed to attend if I had no sitter for the children... I got that. I wish I were able to, and meet his fellow colleagues but, I already knew that was set in place.
I don't need to say how I don't trust him, and hearing from the "other guys" it wasn't a good idea to bring us I guess because of the Christmas party and not being able to take the kids, whatever. I went for a long walk and finally decided I would just cancel and go home. I need someone that can be there for me and I am hoping to find that in the comfort of my family and friends. I am miserable here and I sit alone even when he's right next to me.
I spoke with him about my decision and he began to throw a fit. He began to tell me I was out of control. He began to tell me that I was a trip. I didn't back down for how I felt, and he never once said that it was mandatory events that he was "attending". So to me I feel he made a choice and that choice was to expend his time doing what he wanted to be it with coworkers but still. I am not about to fly across country to sit in a hotel room or try to find things to do (which I'm sure I can) by myself with a six year old and an infant. I didn't get pregnant on my own (only my infant is his bio child) therefore there is no reason I should be doing ALL the work.
So any way with a couple raised voices and him getting angry with me and trying to tell me how he wanted us to go, but not really fighting for that to happen. I confirmed that I wasn't going. I told him that I felt unwelcome since the beginning- it wasn't even initially his idea, and with that he threw every obstacle in the way as he went. Until it finally seemed to work out and he thought that by me going home meant I wasn't coming back.
Well I am sleeping in my spare bedroom :( sad that is has come down to this, and a bit scared that this may be ending soon. He came in to ask about the sleeping arrangements for the night and I began to tell him how I have tried to spend time with him and keep myself together, not only for me but for him and my kids. I told him that for someone "so apologetic", I have given him ample time to put a filter on his phone to start to rebuild trust and he hasn't, which leads me back to my letter of consequences if boundaries aren't respected. I told him how I think I tried too hard at times to get him to spend time with me and to pull him into this family. I told him I can no longer try to make him "be here" physically, emotionally, mentally, whatever. I asked him what he wanted...... and he shook his head.... turned to walk out of the room and mumbled..... "I don't know".
So now I sit here. I am sure the pain of this decision of mine hasn't hit me yet. I believe this is leading to destruction. Him going on this trip I think will hurt us more than help us and I have no control over that. I realize that. This is not how I wanted my marriage to go, I WANT it to work, but at what cost. I am miserable and lonely. I try to talk to him and he only lets me get so far but becomes so defensive right away... even when I am calm. I feel he has finally seen the truth in his intentions... he never wanted to marry he just felt he had to because of the baby. He obviously still acts like he is single or wants to be... and he does not care. Doesn't care about how I feel with recent events, how I felt in my pregnancy, or how I feel at this moment. He didn't put up a huge fight, nor has he shown any remorse. He's just a guy that is self-centered and fixated on self serving and worrying only about his needs as far as porn, masturbation, image, title and money are concerned.
Sorry.
We got into an argument about the trip and how he was making plans that weren't related to work, but to where I wasn't allowed to tag along. I was already aware that at his company Christmas party I wasn't allowed to attend if I had no sitter for the children... I got that. I wish I were able to, and meet his fellow colleagues but, I already knew that was set in place.
I don't need to say how I don't trust him, and hearing from the "other guys" it wasn't a good idea to bring us I guess because of the Christmas party and not being able to take the kids, whatever. I went for a long walk and finally decided I would just cancel and go home. I need someone that can be there for me and I am hoping to find that in the comfort of my family and friends. I am miserable here and I sit alone even when he's right next to me.
I spoke with him about my decision and he began to throw a fit. He began to tell me I was out of control. He began to tell me that I was a trip. I didn't back down for how I felt, and he never once said that it was mandatory events that he was "attending". So to me I feel he made a choice and that choice was to expend his time doing what he wanted to be it with coworkers but still. I am not about to fly across country to sit in a hotel room or try to find things to do (which I'm sure I can) by myself with a six year old and an infant. I didn't get pregnant on my own (only my infant is his bio child) therefore there is no reason I should be doing ALL the work.
So any way with a couple raised voices and him getting angry with me and trying to tell me how he wanted us to go, but not really fighting for that to happen. I confirmed that I wasn't going. I told him that I felt unwelcome since the beginning- it wasn't even initially his idea, and with that he threw every obstacle in the way as he went. Until it finally seemed to work out and he thought that by me going home meant I wasn't coming back.
Well I am sleeping in my spare bedroom :( sad that is has come down to this, and a bit scared that this may be ending soon. He came in to ask about the sleeping arrangements for the night and I began to tell him how I have tried to spend time with him and keep myself together, not only for me but for him and my kids. I told him that for someone "so apologetic", I have given him ample time to put a filter on his phone to start to rebuild trust and he hasn't, which leads me back to my letter of consequences if boundaries aren't respected. I told him how I think I tried too hard at times to get him to spend time with me and to pull him into this family. I told him I can no longer try to make him "be here" physically, emotionally, mentally, whatever. I asked him what he wanted...... and he shook his head.... turned to walk out of the room and mumbled..... "I don't know".
So now I sit here. I am sure the pain of this decision of mine hasn't hit me yet. I believe this is leading to destruction. Him going on this trip I think will hurt us more than help us and I have no control over that. I realize that. This is not how I wanted my marriage to go, I WANT it to work, but at what cost. I am miserable and lonely. I try to talk to him and he only lets me get so far but becomes so defensive right away... even when I am calm. I feel he has finally seen the truth in his intentions... he never wanted to marry he just felt he had to because of the baby. He obviously still acts like he is single or wants to be... and he does not care. Doesn't care about how I feel with recent events, how I felt in my pregnancy, or how I feel at this moment. He didn't put up a huge fight, nor has he shown any remorse. He's just a guy that is self-centered and fixated on self serving and worrying only about his needs as far as porn, masturbation, image, title and money are concerned.
Sorry.
I dont want to give you advice but if he cant see how much your worth then you maybe need to leave for yourself and the children.. a broken home and fighting/distant parents will only cause more devastation, the sort you cant see until its too late.
My wife is priceless to me, but she is not my possession anymore and i do not wish to hurt her anymore in anyway - i let my action and behaviours do the talking - i have been arrogant and selfish in the beginning but i have been consistent - co-parenting - doing recovery and finally just giving space and avoiding conflict.
Your husband needs to feel that loss if is to value you - you should be a priceless treasure that he wants to return to its best, restoration takes hard work.
I feel your pain even though i am more like your husband - he cant see the woods for the trees yet, he needs to join a fellowship!
I feel so sorry for you that you have to arrive at such conclusions about your husband and your marriage - this is a trying situation and emotions will run riot in your head... Please find space for yourself and your child - my daughter is now why my recovery is important she needs a healthy dad to be there even in a time limited way, she will benefit from love not turmoil..
Its time to think for yourself - go to your support network and do right by yourself, you are not a failure because your marriage seems lost - your are doing the work of two!! something has to give..
I pray to god you get the strength - god bless
I have decided to go home and I leave tomorrow, I feel so content already and relieved by my decision. He has made attempts to make it look like he'd like for us to go with him, but I can see right through him. He doesn't care. In order for me to come back and stay, things need to change and one of those being that he needs to start showing remorse- dig deep for it- if it is not there than there is nothing to save. Also, if anything comes up from this trip because he is so fixated on "fitting in" that will seal the deal also. He will get no second chances whatsoever. I will not experience this pain again.
I look at my babies and they are so innocent and they are my world, I want them to mirror a healthy relationship and this isn't it. I don't expect him to kiss my ass, but a little sympathy and more of a fight for me would go a long way. I poured my heart out to him this morning just for him to text back saying "so it's over" that was all I got. And that isn't what I said. I said take this week to figure your stuff out and then you can let me know. He said he wanted to make this marriage work, but right now words are just empty air. I don't feel this bothers him one bit.
But I, like you, must let it go and must let what's going to happen- happen. let it take it's course. Thanks again.
I also know that as a believer God imprinted us with a purpose and a way to live. When we operate in that we are inside of us the most content. Your husband imprinted in him is to serve God, be a leader in the home, to provide and protect his family and to love his wife. When he operates in that he will find the most contentment and happiness but when he isnt doing these things he will be lost depressed constantly trying to fill the need that only exist when he can fulfill his purpose. He is chasing a phantom a promise of happiness that doesnt ever manifest itself.
So I say all that to relieve your desire for his desire to be fighting for you. It is already in him to do all that and more you can be assured that apart from that is pain and grief inwardly for him. He may seem outwardly to not care his internal compass may not be functioning loud enough to get him on course along with the self medicating. But I bet you see it in him the unfulfilled person.
That is why making choices like you and so many of us have made is sometimes what jump starts their compass. The pain of losing their family. It registers trust me even in the addictive cloud it registers. Empathy, compassion and true remorse happen later on in recovery.
Dont try to persuade him with words or evoke empathy he is unable to feel. Make a choice for you, give him a choice and space to make it (I like your one week time frame), stay quiet and pray. God is for your marriage He is for restoration He is for your husband being healed. Sometimes husbands have to go through months of separation where they live at their worst before they figure out they are miserable and some I dont understand why just dont have it in them to recover. And you are better off not continuing in that marriage.
I know I always come from a faith perspective because thats who I am and thats my journey and I hope I encourage other believers out there but to non believers it is foolishness and I dont mean to offend at all so my post will not be particularly useful. Blessings.
Heartsadx3 I like what you wrote.... Even though some is hard to accept. I can't face that he can't have compassion and empathy for me and that he inwardly has the need to protect and be there for us... I realize by not accepting that that is my problem not his. I have tried so hard to get him to understand.and to just want to apologjze. Nothing bothers him. I am sure he's hurting on the inside, because he got caught and maybe because he feels low of himself- which that is saddening. But I do not believe he feels hurt for what he has done to me. I don't think he ever will.
The worst part is I strongly feel he wouldn't care or lose any sleep if I left.... Yet I still hang on. Thank you for your kind words and insight :)! God bless you and all that you may face.