Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
My husband and I have been together for 16 years, married for 13 1/2. In those years I have caught him 5 or 6 times engaging in a range of activities. The first time I found him on a website having conversations with people about sex (netsex, roleplaying etc.) I almost left him, but he convinced me to stay and that it would never happen again. The other times have been catching him watching porn or writing porn. The week before Christmas we had an incident where he watched porn in the bathroom and then rushed in to "finish" on top of me. He then proceeds to turn over and go to sleep.
I had suspected he was up to something again because every night it was taking him half an hour in the bathroom before he would come to bed and then we would have sex. While he was asleep I went in and checked his phone and sure enough I found the porn he had watched before he hurried up with me.
Every time I've confronted him I get the same response. He's sorry it will never happen again. This latest time has sunk my self esteem lower than ever before. I know now that all the sex we had the last month or so was because he was excited by porn and then finished with me. He always tells me that it's me he's attracted to, but how can I think that? I feel like I'm just a blow up doll for him.
I did talk to a friend about her divorce and got some information about it. I'm tired of feeling so unwanted and used and unappreciated. We don't have the money for me to find professional help, so I was hoping just talking on here may give me some insight into this. I'm torn between staying with him and just leaving and starting my life over.
I had suspected he was up to something again because every night it was taking him half an hour in the bathroom before he would come to bed and then we would have sex. While he was asleep I went in and checked his phone and sure enough I found the porn he had watched before he hurried up with me.
Every time I've confronted him I get the same response. He's sorry it will never happen again. This latest time has sunk my self esteem lower than ever before. I know now that all the sex we had the last month or so was because he was excited by porn and then finished with me. He always tells me that it's me he's attracted to, but how can I think that? I feel like I'm just a blow up doll for him.
I did talk to a friend about her divorce and got some information about it. I'm tired of feeling so unwanted and used and unappreciated. We don't have the money for me to find professional help, so I was hoping just talking on here may give me some insight into this. I'm torn between staying with him and just leaving and starting my life over.
There are other partners of addicts who I am certain will offer their insights as to what practical steps you can take about this ghastly turn of events.
But for now, I will offer you my insight from the addict's perspective. The addiction feeds on lies and he will lie until the cows come home just so he can indulge again, the addiction feeds off secrecy and underhanded behavior and if he still indulging, I doubt he will come clean with any of it.
That being said, I can tell you this: This has nothing to with you as person, in fact, there is nothing you could have done or not done to prevent it. The infuriating aspect of this particular addiction is that it takes a life of its own, and it cares not for anything or anyone, all it cares about is getting another high much to the despair of anyone around it.
What I am trying to say is this, if your husband is watching porn and all of it is vile, you would not want to compete with these sorts. Your worth as a person is not in any shape based on those sorts he watches, as much as you would not want to do anything those sorts do.
Lastly, your worth has nothing to do with him. It has everything to do with how you feel about yourself. You are whole and complete independent of his behavior towards you. I am saying this so you do not take his behavior as a personal affront to your being. Sadly, porn is an entity unto itself that exists as long as the addict seeks its idiotic lure.
I can offer you this bit of advice: If this is not part of the for better and for worse scenario and you do not want to spend the rest of your life disrespected and devalued as a person, you have every right to exit the marriage and seek better shores, as it were. But I will tell you this, so long as he chooses porn over you, no good can ever come out of it and if he is stepping out on you, I recommend you get tested for STDs.
If you have any questions, do not hesitate to contact me.
Hope this helps,
Wolf (5 and 1/2 years sober)
I know you say you cannot afford for you to get therapy, but I would strongly urge you to find a therapist who will work with you on a sliding scale. Make some phone calls and see if your insurer will kick in some money. I just found therapy the best answer for helping me gain control over my own life through building boundaries with consequences I could stick to. It took me years to do this because my own value system became so out of balance because of my husband's addiction. I had no idea how co-dependent I had become, just out of the necessity to stay sane and keep up appearances. Without therapy, I would have never found this! I would love for you to read "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse..." by Dr. Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. It helped me to see I was not alone, but just how traumatized I was from the lying, manipulation and worst of all, the minimizing of my own feelings until I was numb.
Dr. Steffens also maintains a website called Safe Passages for spouses of sex addicts. At the very least please visit her website. There are some referral links there for help.
This is a difficult journey for spouses and in your journey you will find the answer, but don't just go into divorce head first. Your husband may not have hit rock bottom just yet. He needs to understand what is at stake. Right now all he wants to do is protect his addiction. He is very frightened to lose it. Addicts often feel like they will die without it. This is because their brain chemistry is out of balance. I read on here that one addict who is trying to get sober doesn't feel like he is like a drug addict, but he is just like a drug addict. Here are some helpful links. Please use them to get support and educate yourself. You are not alone!
http://drbarbarasteffens.com/seeking-help/
www.yourbrainonporn.com
I was worried that the fears I've had all these years were worth having, and hearing from you makes me realize that they are. I have a feeling that it won't stop without professional help. He did admit it this time to everyone we know - friends and family - this time because I think he finally saw how serious I am about leaving him. I do not want his kids raised in a house where I'm not sure what they would walk into a room and see. Especially with my son coming the end of March.
Again thank you so much for replying. I joined this site hoping to get insight like you have shared.
If you are religious, I would recommend leveraging help from the community would be a great first step. For me, finding the right pastor for simple, as our church pastor was a gambling addict for 4+ years, lost everything including his position. Was out of the church for 3+ years before being given a second chance to be a pastor at our church. He is very understanding of addiction and addictive behavior - though mine was much worse than gambling.
In summary, there is free help available - but finding the right person or group is important.