Hi all,

I took a stand to stop looking at porn after my wife confronted me with it.

We've been struggling with our relationship even after the last 6 weeks I haven't looked at all and have been open and honest about it.

She's confronted me with it multiple times over the last couple years and this has been the longest I've gone honoring her wishes and doing it to make myself feel better too.

Although I would have temptations, I have fought those urges. This has been something I battled with since I was a teenager over 20 years ago.

Like when I quit smoking/vaping weed, I found putting a day counter on my phone helps hold myself accountable.

(Over year and half now)

I do say, I'll see nudity or a sex scene on a show or a movie, and I still have those dirty feelings of being aroused.

My wife is a survivor of breast cancer prior to us meeting eachother and she had implants with no nipples. Her cleavage always excited me and not having nipples never bothered me much because she had good sized breasts on her fit body. After we got engaged, she grew ill and come to find those implants were recalled and were making her sick. She got them removed and didn't want to replace them with a different set. Though she feels better now, she has nothing there. So I've battled that want to see breasts and nipples and the porn addiction grew more through that time period. I've been more so wishing my wife had some that looked like that. I'm attracted to her personality, her face, and all the rest of her body, but I know she has self esteem issues with her breasts too. Up until recently, our sex life has always been good and frequent.

I'm more into feeling loved and giving love to fulfill me sexually, but I do have it creep in my mind because it often gets brought up by her about not having them and how she thinks I'd like to be with someone that has them and that she isn't what I want.

Lately, over the last 6 weeks, our affection is down and she explains she can't trust me and I know she's battling with the self esteem issues thinking our whole relationship has been a lie. She's now going on her third week of seeing a counselor. I've only talked to hotlines and this is my first group chat. At some point, we will go in together to speak to this counselor, but I feel in full control about looking on websites for porn but more trying to heal our relationship for the sake of our family. and business we share.

I feel such shame and embarrassment I let it get to this point of making my wife feel like this. As much as I want to feel good about myself making it over 6 weeks and continuing going strong, she has been cold to me, bringing up things I thought we worked passed and it brings me back down.

Feels like it's falling apart and I want to save our marriage. Just feels like even while I'm doing right, I've done too much wrong.

I love her and I want to make this work.