Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
I know it's only been two weeks, but at the same time I feel like it's already been two weeks and I still struggle with my husbands confession of indulging in porn. I can't get the conversation out of my head. How he said "its pretty common, all guys do it, we just don't talk about it" or how he said "my friend thinks you are making a big deal out of nothing, sometimes we just have to find some release" and when he said "sure if you were okay with it I would continue" and the real one that struck me "I read up on it and it turns out that most couples are fine with it, though some view it to be bad or a form of cheating" all while the struggle in my marriage was lack of intimacy. Sure out sexual intimacy was starting to come back from non-existent we still lacked real intimacy and even real sexual contact and then he confesses this and expects me to be okay with it because of the reasons he threw out there. I'm not okay with the viewing of porn- I know few that are and to each their own but that's not me. I told him that I wouldn't accept it and that I felt so crushed by this confession. He uncertainly, with hesitation said "well maybe its an addiction". That was that. He said he would stop the porn usage and the masturbation because both were becoming compulsive behaviors affecting our marriage.
I been to counseling, I have reached out to online support groups, I have looked for many face to face support groups and can't find any in my town, I have only confided in one friend about this and I have loaded up on books and other readings, but I am lost. All my emotions are still all over the place. I tried to open up to him last night but he just says enough to keep me semi quiet. It didn't get far in conversation, and it wasn't an argument I just simply asked his suggestions on rebuilding our trust and marriage and he said he didn't have any ideas so the floor was all mine to decide. I feel so trapped by the person I have become I hate it. Every little thing triggers me even the simplest sex scene on movies. I am a victim of myself. I feel numb majority of the time and even though I have committed myself to stay and work on this marriage until it possibly happens again, I feel somewhat indifferent also. Does anyone have any ideas how to attempt to rebuild the trust, the relationship, sexual contact, intimacy, - anything??
Sorry for the long post. I just feel like I'm a walking train wreck on the inside, on the outside I feel like I look normal for my children's sake.
I been to counseling, I have reached out to online support groups, I have looked for many face to face support groups and can't find any in my town, I have only confided in one friend about this and I have loaded up on books and other readings, but I am lost. All my emotions are still all over the place. I tried to open up to him last night but he just says enough to keep me semi quiet. It didn't get far in conversation, and it wasn't an argument I just simply asked his suggestions on rebuilding our trust and marriage and he said he didn't have any ideas so the floor was all mine to decide. I feel so trapped by the person I have become I hate it. Every little thing triggers me even the simplest sex scene on movies. I am a victim of myself. I feel numb majority of the time and even though I have committed myself to stay and work on this marriage until it possibly happens again, I feel somewhat indifferent also. Does anyone have any ideas how to attempt to rebuild the trust, the relationship, sexual contact, intimacy, - anything??
Sorry for the long post. I just feel like I'm a walking train wreck on the inside, on the outside I feel like I look normal for my children's sake.
I am certain that spouses of addicts will provide with useful advice but for now I will give you mine, that of a former addict.
To begin, 2 weeks is not enough time to get past all the hurt you've experienced. I liken it to a death, your concept of whom you thought your husband was died with his admission. So I, personally would treat it as such, complete with all the steps that go along with it. I am suggesting that you be extra kind to yourself.
I realize that the excuses he used for his behavior are not kosher, in the least and they are that, excuses. However, let us deal with you, because I am more concerned for you, right now than I am with him.
What I see is this: That you are torturing yourself with what has been said and it has dragged you further than you anticipated. I am not saying that your feelings are not valid but I am saying that this kind of suffering is unnecessary.
Perhaps taking some time away from the relationship could give you the objectivity you need given that by all rights porn is a no no to you, if this were a friend of your what would you say to him/her?
Perhaps going to therapy not so much to process this again but to repair the damage and regain your sense of self may be a good option for you, this way, you'll know where to go from here, regardless of whether he gets healthy or not with a clearer mind.
Lastly, the addiction has nothing to do with you. Small consolation, I know but it can offer you some perspective on the matter. At the same time, I can tell you that self victimization takes away our personal power and that is one thing we can never afford to lose or give away to anyone or anything.
Please take kind care of yourself,
Wolf (4 years sober)
You may not like me much after this but I feel that your priority should be to focus on yourself so that you will be able to decide where you want to be after your repair the damage done to your trust and sense of well being.
I understand it feel very personal, the addiction but it is not. Let me ask you this: If he had been going out drinking behind your back, would you be as upset? I am asking you to put it into context.
I know it has to do with his fantasies but in the real world would you want to do any of the things these people were doing? I highly doubt it. Hence why I say to put it into a context. I am by any means excusing his behavior, but perhaps to lessen the suffering we need to put certain offending behavior into a proper context. Do you know what I am saying here?
You may not feel like you can be kind to yourself right now, you say but then who will, if not you? You need to for your sake and that of your children. Take a bath, get some sleep, go out to a movie that will make you laugh along with your children, stop blaming yourself, and when you speak to yourself, only say kind things. There is absolutely nothing you could have said or not said, done or not done to cause this. This is not your responsibility, it is entirely and 100% his.
As I said, a bit of distance between the two of you will bring more clarity than working on something that is right now tearing you apart. There is no law that says that you have to work on something that is not working at the moment.
Thank you for the kind words, please take care of yourself.
Hugs,
Wolf (4 years sober)
It should have read: I am not by any means excusing his behavior. Boy, do I need an editor.
Hugs,
Wolf
To answer your context question if I understood you completely, I would be hurt and upset if he was out drinking behind my back. I know that feeling as well because I grew up with a father like that. I can't say it would hurt me nearly as much, but it's also two different scenarios with the same words as lying and betrayal. You got that right it's the fantasies of this one, it has totally killed any securities I did have, not blaming him for that any longer. It's not a great feeling to think that your spouse is picturing someone else or wanting to act out his images he's seen during sex. And it's proven to be extremely hard to not be paranoid about his whereabouts and random sexual touch and what he's looking at so secretly on his phone on the corner of the couch. Or just how careful he is to cover his tracks now.
I have reached my point where I am going to take care of myself and I am going to be there for my children like I need to be. I in fact don't even want to be near him because I feel like this morning he lied to me again about sexually acting out. I'm so hurt, but I know I don't deserve this. I have too much respect for myself and I need my confidence back with or without him. He doesn't seem to be opting for help for his addiction or compulsive behavior so, that might be the answer to a the question if I should stay or go. Thank you so much for your kind words and your advice, I'm just making sure I am acting on rational thoughts. :)
1. Insist on putting filter software on all his devices: laptops, computers, tablets, smartphone, etc. Block his ability to access it.
2. Demand from him all username/passwords and if necessary email info so that you can freely check his history as necessary, so that you can feel better about his being honest with you. In time, your need to do so will drop significantly.
3. Insist on treatment. What kind is up to you and him to discuss. Individual and couples therapy can work. So can SAA or some similar 12 step group. Perhaps a combination of both.
4. Follow up/follow through. He needs to follow up on his commitment, if he makes one, to quit porn. This means that he willingly attends all parts of whatever you decide in #3 above, and not just temporary. It also means that you need to be willing to communicate with him.
Understand that eventually, you will return to a healthy sexual relationship, and that it can be much deeper and more fulfilling than ever before; lots of people on here can attest to that. But pace yourselves, and again, be calm, clear, and very firm. You and he both will be in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope that this is some sort of help to you! Good luck!
I also agree that you need to be extra kind to yourself.
I have been in your shoes so I know how you feel.
While you are suffering, understand that you have been deeply traumatized by all of this. This is why you are all over the place emotionally.
Before you begin taking on all the work that is way ahead of you, understand that you need to take baby steps in healing.
It won't happen over night. In fact it will take years of recovery work for him and for you in order to heal your marriage, rebuild trust and intimacy.
I would suggest doing one nice thing just for yourself each day. It will force you to focus on you. Even if it is taking a walk around the block. Hang in there. You are not alone and you will be okay.
I just fear that this will come down to me leaving, even thought it's what I am ready to do for my safety and my children, its not how I'd like it to go :(. People have told me that his lack of remorse is the addiction hes possibly scared to admit... but it doesn't make it easier. The other day my little girl tells him "mommy was crying earlier" and he just looked at me didn't say anything and gave me a slight hug for what I feel was just because he was walking in the door from work.... he didn't say anything to that.