Alex, I'm the wife of a porn&sex addict. Your actions will speak louder than words, because after you've lied, your words are meaningless until you rebuild trust.

She is angry and hurting. At this point in time, I suggest you seek counselling separately--her for dealing with her trauma, and you for your acting out and lying. Make your own appointments, and go to them.

Read up on porn addiction (Patrick Carnes is the usual first go-to guy when it comes to books--my husband's first book to read was Don't Call It Love). Try the different self-tests quizzes. A CSAT usually has a very comprehensive test, which, if you answer honestly, will give you insight on where on the addiction spectrum you lie.

Flagellating yourself emotionally to her will not do either one of you good. Apologizing, being transparent about your use of technology and time, and showing you are taking change seriously, will do both of you good.

All the best to both of you at the beginning of this journey.

Welcome to the group, I'm sorry to here that.

To give you a bit of comfort: Porn is, (in my opinion) the easiest thing to get addicted to because of how accessible it is. It just isn't fair/right that porn is just a click away, not in a dark alley or at some location that you physically have to go to. On top of that, all forms of porn are thrust into your face whether you like it or not. Now granted, none of that (most of the time) is "hardcore" porn but it is softcore stuff like, woman getting naked in a movie/ show (Trigger), Graphic sexual discussions/jokes in movies/shows/commercials (trigger) , or some woman dressed like a prostitute walking past you at the mall (trigger).

For Struggling addicts like you and I, we have to be on our constant guard.....the world/ holywood now-a-days is all about sex sex sex ....Heck, I would be watching a FAMILY show for you know, little kids, and there would be sexual commercials and even sexual suggestions in the show.

I already don't have TV and I am seriously considering getting rid of all video media too (Netflix, Amazon Prime vide
o)

Hang in there buddy, I am brand new to the group and I feel the pain too

" She has been very verbally abusive to me, she keeps accusing me of not caring and not being sorry." I hear you. That's a problem that some spouses are not aware of. They think they have a 'right' to say those things and hold it all over your head... no pun intended. It sure doesn't help, does it? "She has called me a scumbag, am I supposed to call myself a scumbag and hate myself in order to show her how sorry I am? "

I'm so glad that you so articulately are sharing your perspectives in this. From what I've seen here and in real life,, this attitude of spouses is a challenge to deal with.. when they see themselves as saintly martyrs, and you as a vile worm.

In my opinion, the marriage counselfing ,, continuing with that.. IF you have a counselor that is a good one and not biased.. if not then I would seek a marriage counselor that is better at mediating conflict resolutions, and teaching the social skills necessary to move the relationship forward.

No, you don't have to eat dirt and feel like sh* to prove anything. Your actions are important, but some people just can't be pleased no matter what we do, and continue the emotional blackmail. You have to be in recovery because you want to, and not because you are being emotionally bludgeoned.

Alex, it's your relationship to deal with in whichever way you see fit.

My concern for you is that if you were to continue in marriage counselling before each of you getting your own separate counselling, your wife will continue with her trauma, and take it out on you--which you certainly don't need when you are trying to assess where you are and who you are. It's hard to rebuild your relationship when each of you need some time to sort yourselves out.

Again, this is my perspective, which is supported by my husband's CSAT and my husband.

sandcastle has a good point too,, that along with marriage counseling the individual counseling is important too.

so true Sandcastle,
Alex Scott your wife is hurt and betrayed , she wont believe words but behaviors, going to therapy on your own is a great way to show her and you that you are serious about recovery. 12 step is a great way to get support, and your wife needs therapy too. We just passed the 12 months of sobriety and didn't start marriage therapy until the 10th month...trying to rebuild the marriage fresh into recovery is perhaps not the best idea. If the verbal abuse continues its okay to set boundaries around that, saying if you call me names I am walking away, leaving the house, going for a walk, boundaries for both of you are a good way to start recovery and healing. I cant tell you how many walks my husband went on right after discovery and then full disclosure ...and I had to respect his space, I made myself a boundary that I wouldn't follow him.
A lot of spouses want to say and do anything to make the addict feel hurt and pain, like they are feeling that's why therapy is so important for both of you. After you have some sobriety time and you both have got some help then marriage therapy is seen with open eyes. I cant even imagine sitting in a therapists office with my husband right after discovery....ekkk
the bottom line is that porn is destroying marriages more and more as it is so easy to get, don't let your marriage be one of those stats.....do whatever it takes to stay sober and in active recovery....

Such denial that the spouse has any responsibility at all for the marital dysfunction. I agree that sometimes it's necessary for the addict to make enough space so that s/he can recover without being undermined, sabotaged, or interfered with by the spouse. Sometimes a spouse actually has an investment in the addict remaining 'sick' so that it's easiser to scapegoat him/her for all the problems in the marriage.

Alex Scott welcome to the group. I want you to know that healing takes time. Recovery from porn/sex addiction can and will happen. Your wife has been hurt. She will need time to see that you changed and that will take time. Get involved with a 12 step group, find a guy whose been in the program awhile and work the steps with his guidance. Hopefully in time you will be able to gain back your wife's trust.

I would also suggest that if you do continue with marriage therapy, to focus on 2-3 memorable boundaries that both you and your wife can uphold to get you through this crisis, before delving into the background of your marital issues. Both of you need safety at home while going through this--and you can actually get a sense of pride for taking care of yourself through upholding boundaries. I wish we had done that during the time before disclosure.

I can empathize with your situation. My wife was very hurt when she found out I was using pornography, and it took time to heal. I can't give any better advice than has already been given to you here and probably by the marriage therapist.

I would ask you these two question:

1) Do you want to stop using pornography?
2) How are you going to do it?

You mention that you've tried to stop using before but haven't been successful. In my experience, it was always easy to stop after getting caught or almost getting caught using pornography, but I'd fall back into it once the dust settled, forgetting the damage it had done. Quitting permanently was an intense process. Do you have resources and support to help you do this, or do you need recommendations?

My guess is that your wife will heal and forgive, if she is a forgiving person. The question is whether the changes you make will last once she does so.

Alex: I am also the wife of a porn/sex addict. I understand your dismay at the results of the truth at this time. Though you think it's better to hide such behavior, it isn't. It isn't good for you, nor your wife in the long haul. The lying is the worst of the behavior. I truly feel there is more damage to a person, persons, and the marriage from the affects of lying than the actual behavior the lies support. Please remember that the truth will set you free. It really does. And, the truth is most valuable gift a person can ever give. Truth, is freedom of choice. Truth, is freedom of thought. Truth, is freedom from a veritable internal prison. Once you begin telling the truth, and remain telling the truth, your life will change. You've begun, don't stop....don't hesitate in doubt.

Your feelings about the porn thing are not the same as those of your wife. Learning how she really feels is a valuable asset. You shared, " Although I am very deeply sorry, and I do completely understand her pain, I also feel a little bit as though it is a bit of an extreme reaction for a bit of "entertainment" and self pleasure...?" I do have to share with you that "if" you truly "understood" the pain this behavior induces you would not even entertain the idea that her reaction is extreme.

Would you consider it a bit of "entertainment" and "self pleasure" if your wife had been seeing other men the entire duration of your marriage? What if she was doing all of those things you watch with others, and felt it was better you not know that? What if she hid it from you all of your marriage? Do you think you might feel a bit extreme? If she could do that, just for the thrill of it, a different thing to do than you, would you be ok with it? If so, then? If not, then?

Do you believe in fidelity? Do you believe in marriage vows? If so, then? If not, then? I have heard my H say much the same. And, I let him know that it "feels" the same to me as outright infidelity. In ways, maybe worse. I had an X who cheated, outright with both women, and men, and that felt no worse than my current Hs porn, fantasy, and masturbation behaviors.

The fact that my H does desire to seek sexual thrills by viewing other women, and men, and yes, nasty, immoral, women, and men, doing things they're paid to do on film, is quite enough for me to be put off. And, lord only knows what other enthrallments there are inside him too? After all, my Xpornaddict/sexual addict husband was found to be bisexual too. And, when I came to know that my current husband vies these things while he fantasizes doing them and masturbating, I also wondered, and when do you begin outright cheating? With women? With men? And what more? You want to, it's obvious by what you pursue, so when, and in what way?

And, like your wife, I see nothing wholesome, loving, or positive in the viewing of such things. So, yes, it does feel dirty, and disgusting. It isn't a very good feeling to know without doubt that my H does desire those dirty and disgusting women and perhaps men too, who display themselves in such a light, and possibly other things. How can I feel wholesome and good then engaging in sex with him? If that's what sex is to him, then it isn't very attractive to me at all.

You cannot heal your relationship. You can only heal you. But, when you heal you, the relationship changes. A healed person does no indulge in things that are damaging to the relationship. You did know that was not a good thing to do for the relationship, yes? You kept it hidden, why? Did you feel then that "maybe she is the one who needs to change?" What should she change into? Should she behave like you have? Is that healthy, wholesome, and conducive to a loving marriage? If not, what would she be changing for?

And, I'll share this for your benefit, it has taken "years" not days, or weeks, or even months, for me to come to terms with my Hs behaviors. We are still not great....at all. And, his psych told him that "if" there was "any" possibility of repairing my feelings in regard to him, or the marriage, it would take "years." And, he was right.

I think the answer, if there is one, is that "you" must come to really "understand" what your behaviors mean from an outside perspective, especially that of your wife. I'm sure when she took her vows with you she expected that you loved her, wanted to make a life with her, wanted fidelity and an honest marriage. Now, she sees it hasn't been that way. So, maybe if you can fantasize a bit about what you might be feeling if you discovered that she was a sex addict and engaging in all kinds of sexual ways with many, many others, how you might feel. Then, act accordingly. What might you want to hear? What might you want from her? What might heal the marriage from that perspective.

What do you think?