hello, I have only posted here once before. I am so very aware that this is such a lonely process and I finally feel ready to share me story. 

2 years ago, I was happier than I had ever been. I had recently married the love of my life, I was 25 and felt like we had our whole life infron of us, we had so much to look forward to and life couldn’t get any better. 

Them one day I got called home from work by police and within seconds my whole life imploaded. My husband was arrested for possessing indecent images of children. 

To say that I was a mess would be an understatement, I couldn’t understand, I pretty much fell apart. I’m in the uk so I’m aware that the processes and procedures my differ from the us. He was bailed the next day and we then spent months fighting, talking, crying and waiting for the next legal step. I still loved this man. I decided I wasn’t going to give up on him ( we have no children). 

I was judged for staying with him, i was an anxious, depressed, paranoid wreck. I felt so unbelievably alone. Let’s be honest it’s not something that you can talk to anyone about. I felt like everything i though I knew was gone and even though he was there I almost felt like he had died in some way, like I was grieving the loss of everything I thought I had, everything I thought our life would be, everything I thought he was. 

He plead guilty and was ultimately sentenced to a community order, to complete a program and 3 years on the SOR. Our life became controlled by offender management officers and social workers. 

It took a long time, a lot of tears and talking and counciling to re building our relationship. And we lost everything else. I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. 

We are now over a year from the sentencing and I am starting to see that there will be a life after this. I feel like I have so many questions about out options for the future, and still feel like I have nowhere to turn for guidance or answers. I know I’m not the only person in the world that’s gone/going through this but it feels like it as it’s not something you can talk about.

I am in no way condoning what he done but I still believe that there is more to time than this mistake that he made. I also believe in the marriage vows we made, and that for better or worse means better or worse and this is his worse. I also know that since this happened he has done everything in his power to make as much amends as he can. 

I think i just need to feel that I’m not also and that there is someone out there who understands me and the chaos, hurt and turmoil in my head and heart. I’m still pretending to the world that everything is normal and it’s taking everything I have not to fall apart each day.

Im sorry for the long post.

summer.