Sex Offenders Wife Community Group

A place where wives, ex-wives, and girlfriends of sex offenders can share with each other.

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SammyleDerp 04/19/2018

Hey everyone. I am engaged to a level 1 sex offender in NY. He was a porn addict, and had stumbled upon pornography with minors in it 5 years ago (before I knew him). When we first started dating in 2015, he told me within the first few months about his conviction. He was originally a level 2, but with the help of a psycho-analysis, he was brought down to a level 1, where his psychologist stated that his undiagnosed depression and self-esteem issues were the cause of his porn addiction.

We are set to get married this July, but my mother found out about his record online the other day. I won't go into how, but she found an article about him when she was Googling his relatives, because they are musicians.

She is threatening to call off the wedding. I have told her that he is of no danger to children, and that all of this came from his porn addiction. I explained to her that I've met his psychologist (we had a couple's session once) and that he deemed me being there and supporting him has actually helped him in his recovery. I told her that he goes to weekly group counseling sessions, and that I've met his PO. But she is still linking his porn addiction to child abuse, which he would NEVER do. Even so, she knows that I'm a mandated reporter, and I've told both her and him that no matter what, it is my legal duty to report any sign of abuse to the authorities.

I just don't know what to do. I love him. I hope and pray that she comes around. She told me that she loves him, but she is so angry right now. This was Monday, and I haven't heard from her since.

Bwaggy 04/22/2018

My husband too is a porn addict.
We have been married for 20 years now and he was arrested in 2016.
He too is going to counseling every week and has been deamed by his therapist that he is no risk to a child. Like your fiance he was not looking for children but would look at the first few in a group that had children (he never saw those pictures as he never went far enough in the group of pictures). His therapist has stated, as has my husband that he has no interest in a "live" person. Many porn addicts are the same.
We have lost many friends and have family members who no longer speak or associate with us. Most see the words sex offender and connect it with rape. They don't care to learn the difference.
Your mother is understandably angry. Someone she trusted is a SO. She is worried about you, any children you might have, any children in the family and just kids in general. She is also questioning her own judgement of people. She might never get over this anger. Give her some time and space. This is a shock to her and she needs time to comprehend it. When she does speak to you again tell her the full truth of what happened. Don't sugar coat it so to speak, it will only make it worse if she finds that you did. Just be honest with her. In time she will either accept him or reject him.
Unfortunately you will go through this many times.
I wish you the best of luck.

SammyleDerp 04/22/2018

Hey, I wanted to thank you for your comment. I spoke to my mother on the phone yesterday. Again, I didn't sugar coat anything, but I think with some time and space apart, I was able to speak to her with less emotion about it. Whether or not she fully understands it, she seems to be accepting him and us being together. We have agreed not to tell my father, but if he finds out, my Mom has agreed to play dumb. I think she realizes that it was a dumb mistake out of his own depression and low self-esteem. I think, for now, we will be okay.

Bwaggy 04/26/2018

I am glad your mother is accepting him., though I personally wouldn't hide this from your father. I would just explain to him that your fiancee has an addition for which he is now getting help, but years ago this, this and this happened as a result of that addiction. You don't need to tell anyone else, it is really none of their business. But as for your father, I know mine would have been deeply hurt and less likely to listen if he heard it from somewhere else.
As for fully understanding no one can, I am not sure even the offender can.

Unicornmommy11 04/29/2018

Hi, sorry to hear what you're going through. My husband is a porn addicted as well. Hopefully I can say was an addicted in the future. My husband was charged with child pornography and is currently in a federal prison. He would never touch a kid but once anyone hears sex offender or child pornography they think the worst. It was nothing like that. I understand how you feel. My parents use to love my Husband and now they don't want us together they want us to get a divorce. He is not a threat to our children or any children at all. But people jump to worst case scenario and either don't want to understand or just can't. It's hard. I get how your feeling. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hang in there girl

Devastatedwife 11/27/2021

Have you heard of S-ANON. this is a support group for partners/family members of Sex Addicts and there are certain focus groups that are specific to those sex addicts that have been involved in criminal behaviour (i.e. child pornography, voyeurism etc). I have found these groups incredibly helpful and they are on zoom so you can attend from anywhere, there are meetings all over the world and at various times of the day. I belong to two groups - Wednesday evening (7pm EST) and Saturday morning (10:00 EST) these groups focus on sexual offences and it is a great support system for spouses/partners/parents/family etc that have affected by another persons sexual behaviours. I think they have saved my life. I'm putting the contact information for the world service organization here if anyone is interested.
Peri P. | S-Anon World Service Office
800.210.8141 | sanon@sanon.org
www.sanon.org | member.sanon.org

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