Seperation and Divorce Community Group

Anyone who wants to talk about how they are feeling in regards to getting separated and those who are divorced

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Kyleesees 05/08/2018

Hello,

I have been with my husband for 20 years, married for 14, and I am only 35. Much has changed in both of us and our relationship hasn't been good in probably 8 years. He is self employed and for many years had a lot of money and a lot of freedom and that helped him be able to succumb to his addictive personality. When we were just 18 he had a gambling addiction.. I am talking 36 hours at the casino while I slept in the back of the car. He stopped doing that many years ago and now is an alcoholic and has been for close to 8 years. A functioning one but an alcoholic nonetheless. He has a horrible family full of addicts and neglectful parents. Many of them have warrants for various reasons. I don't let our children around them. My family basically adopted him as a son and brother and they had a great relationship for many years.

I have been contemplating divorce for 5 years but continued to endure for reasons even I don't understand. I have started to notice changes in my children and will not allow this to stunt their growth into the wonderful people they will be. I made a promise in my mind that when I noticed my children changing and being effected I would stop being selfish and I would be strong. I have asked him to get addiction counseling and treatment...he says no. I have asked for couples counseling....he says no. I have asked him to try harder with out kids... he says yes but makes zero effort. I have told him how lonely, sad, angry, anxious I am...he somehow turns it around on me.

I am working with a lawyer to get my ducks in a row before actually telling him. He knows though....he just can sense it. He is starting to manipulate me by beating himself up and making me feel sorry for him. I am not buying it. It's part of the cycle we've been in since day one.

I guess I am looking for general support from those going through the divorce process. I am contemplating when to tell him. Part of me wants to wait until my girls re out of school but part of me thinks that won't really matter.

thanks

help1977 05/08/2018

Wow ,so hard to hear all this . Well I’m new to this and honestly I’m in the process as well . Basically we have been together for about 13 years . Not married by law , only by common law . We have two kids that are the world to me . We have been having problems for years . We are the opposite basically . There’s more to the story . Point is that this last Thursday she said I fell out of love with you . Believe me I’m a good person with a big heart . But unfortunately things happens no matter what . Now I’m stuck with my pride , dignity not knowing what to do ! I’m still living there only because the kids are so emotionally attached to me . We are not fighting verbal at all . Basically we are co parenting. I asked her if there’s another man , for I know sooner or later a woman has emotional needs that perhaps I couldn’t give her . She goes out sometimes never comes back . I’m aware where she’s at but that is so sad thinking the worst . Kids especially daughter will ask she’s always out . Never there . I’m hurting so much , because I can’t just say I’m out . Again the kids are my sacrifice. I know this is wrong but I love them so much ! I can’t bare not going through our routine together . Right now I’m stressed , alone , sick to my stomach . It hurts a lot . Point is that I feel your pain although they are different circumstances. Still it sucks when you get your heart torn into 2. And having kids is not easy . I’m 40 , I’m too old for this .

Kyleesees 05/09/2018

I'm so sorry you're hurting. You don't deserve to be treated this way either. I know that we are headed down a long, scary, sad road but I just keep trying to tell myself that there is light there. I find it hard to even admit my feelings about all of it because I'm not a mean person and I'm not selfish and I've convinced myself divorcing him is selfish... even though realistically I know that it's not.
All we can do is be there for our kids and get healthy ourselves.

Ashlynn 07/01/2018

I'm 35, been married 17 years with two kids. Second one starting high school this year. My husband for years has neglected, ignored me. He puts me down, makes me feel useless and worthless. And ya know. The thought of being without him doesn't really make me sad anymore. More relieved. I am terrified to do it alone. I went from parents to marriage. I've never been alone. And alone with my kids, can I even do that and pay the bills get what they need and feed them. I want my son to be a Good man, he needs one to lead him by example. I want my daughter to have a good man and seeing the way her father and I are will teach her that those things are OK and they aren't. I support ya Hon. We have to do what has to be done even when we don't like it.

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