I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself because no one is reading my journal. Or joining this group. I got a reply on Linkkedin today from an old high school friend. I told him I lost his phone number and that I needed it again. He replied and sent his number. He also told me his mother is being put into hospice. he's been commuting to help his dad. My friend is a doctor. We played role playing games in high school. We went on boy scout camping trips, went through high school and early college together. We started growing apart when I started drinking a lot. I got sober a few years later, but then was still off the rails. we kept in touch, but definitely grew apart. I wasn't a central figure in his life. I don't know why I should be sorry about that, if I had wanted it to be different, I would have acted differently right? Here is another pattern in my life: Let things go and then regret that I let things go. this applies over and over again. You'd think I would have learned a long time ago. My choices now are accept it and change it or accept it and don't change it. Or I could keep going on with don't change it, then don't accept it. It would be nice to not be so miserable.

Around two years ago, I threatened to kill my mother. Not to her face, but it got to her through the grapevine. I was whacked out on drugs - dextromethorphan in particular. I went to look it up to see if it is in fact a psychosis inducing drug. The Google search engine said I last visited that page on 10/31/13 - about a year after I the threat. I was looking for an answer then too.

My mom is only 17 years older than I. Although we didn't always get along, I thought the death of my dad would be the beginning of a better, closer chapter in our lives. We would have a lot of time together. Now i wonder how many years will pass before we talk again and if the next time I see her will be at her funeral.