I'll be checking in often.

This subject, self-sabotage, is in my top five character defects (see Alcoholics Anonymous for a definition). This is my attempt to work steps 5-7 with this particular short-coming (ibid.)

(Note: I will be writing as if in a journal until people show up. Think "Dances With Wolves" when he arrives at the western most outpost. I'll be assigning myself to cleaning duty...)

Today's self sabotage consists of simply this: I have several things I would like to do (X), and should do as a responsible adult, and am simply not doing X. I tell myself "tomorrow" or "when I get off work" or "after this commercial" but don't follow through. The thing that sucks is I know exactly how to get out of this loop. The answer is simply to make myself get up and do X. There is just something in my skull that likes to not do X and then beat myself up over it. there have been a few times in life when I had more discipline, better discipline, or just plain got up and did X, but in general I have spent my life in this destructive pattern. Somewhere along the way, I learned that feeling sorry for myself was normal and not feeling it is foreign and uncomfortable. It's as if I was scared to grow up and at the age of 47, still am.

I don't like posts that go on for paragraph after paragraph, so I'll cut it short.

BTW - this is me doing something about my self- sabotage.