I went to the therapist today to get help with personality disorders. I was informed that I have PTSD I'm not sure what that means in its entirity I know I have delt with my past pain but maybe I dealt the trama as a child with the needs of a child. I need a better adult way of coping everyone says I have coped well but when your not normal it doesn't matter how much you have done it only matters if your normal because no matter how hard you work until I am normal everyone will still see me as strange and different. I do believe I have come far. My therapist says with my issues she is surprised I am not a meth addict so I have come a long way. None of this matters if I still dread abandonment see things in black and white and stare at people too much. I guess I need to feel that I am worth loving I don't think if I was someone else I'd love me but I also realize that there are people who do love me. I'm not sure if I can love myself until I fix my issues first but I may note be ale to fix my issues without loving myself. Choices choices.