Self Hate Syndrome Community Group
This is a group designed to offer support to people who believe they are fundamentally bad and deserve to be punished. Here we can learn to stop the unholy war we have been waging against ourselves.
I have a question. If you were abused in anyway sexually verbally physically how do you forgive your abuser and move past it. I have a hard time forgiving my abuser i just cant. It is so hard to i cant get past this. Let me know what you think and some info ect. thanks...
I have forgiven everyone that has harmed me. Even forgiven my now 18 year old son, who for 4 years up until 6 months ago, was verbally abusive for 4 years, and was starting to get physically abusive.
For me, the way I found forgiveness, was through understanding and empathy.
My son, knows I have forgiven him, and I told him he has always been forgiven, from the first day he harmed me. I have harmed him emotionally a few times too, and he forgives me.
My dad was the tough one, and the first person I ever forgave. It wasn't easy. But forgiveness came when I put myself in his shoes. Just like Teresa's story about her conversation with her dad, Teresa got to see what caused her dad to do that, and if I understand her correctly, that helped her forgive him, by understanding him and why.
I tried to do what Teresa did...I call it reconciling. But my dad could not admit or face his enormous shame and admit the truth. At that point, about 25 years ago, I stopped loving my dad, and hated him even more. I tried reconciling with my mom recently, about how she abandoned me as a child, and she had the same issue. Her shame would not even let us have a conversation. She refused to talk about it.
So I had to "resolve" my anger and rage at my dad without his help from admitting his abuse, which would have helped me forgive him. I had to forgive him even though he denied it.
I knew that if I did not forgive him, it would not be him that suffers. He is dead. I knew it would be me that suffers, and I have suffered enough because of this person. I did not want to let his abuse make me suffer anymore.
I thought about my dad, and what he told me after I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and 2 years before he died. He told me he thinks he is and has been bipolar his whole life. That admission was gold for me, and was the beginning of me forgiving him.
When I put myself in his shoes, and asked myself why would he hurt me so much, it was obvious. He actually was abused more then me, or at least as much. My grandpa was extremely abusive. Without going into everything I discovered, he was as Teresa again points out in her book, a victim who turned into a perpetrator. Don't borrow that Teresa, it is in my book, but we have the same idea...lol.
Victim/perpetrator. It is a cycle that victims get into. A friend of mine who was a minister and counselor taught me that a long time ago. People who hurt, hurt others. My dad was hated as a child, or at least, he perceived he was hated, just like I have.
The truth...my dad and my grandpa hated themselves, and took it out on their sons. Was that right? Hell no. Was it wrong? Hell yes. But for me, it is only forgivable if I understand that my dad was abused also, and had a bad life because of it.
I also realized that ANY healthy human being would never abuse another person. Only unhealthy, mentally ill people abuse or hurt other people. He was severely mentally ill. I forgive him, as my son has forgiven me. I think I broke the cycle with my son, as I was NOT physically abusive at all (1 spanking), as my dad and grandpa and great grandpa were. But I have asked my son for forgiveness when I have hurt him emotionally, and he has granted me that, as I have him.
So for me, EMPATHY...but it is a challenge to feel empathetic towards my dad for the abuse and mental illnesses I have now. But understanding why he was like that helped me stop blaming myself, which as Teresa said again, part of forgiveness is forgiving myself for something I never did. I blamed myself for his abuse. It was my fault. I hated me not him as as a child. I was the wrong one. Forgiving myself, and putting the blame where it belongs is part of healing and forgiving too for me.
That said, I do not feel bad that I never really loved my dad, and that I do not miss him a second. Those are the real consequences for him and his abuse. Me suffering from it longer then needed was my fault. It took forgiveness to stop suffering and hating him.