I up at three in the morning for some reason. Im from Alabama. Believe it or not I was there because of NASA. Father was an Engineer. I believe that I know what people are thinking sometimes and that I know the future. I thought It was normal to think these things from time to time so I never mentioned that I was certain at times. I have been told that the extent to which i believe these things is called a delusion. I do not have auditory hallucinations. I do although often believe things about myself that are by common measurement found to be untrue. I frequently question my ability to think and my intelligence. This combined with disorganized thought processes lead my diagnosers to conclude that Schizoaffective Disorder was appropriate. Im trying to get a handle on what this disorder is. Its not schizophrenia. Its not bipolar. Something in between? I sometimes sleep for more than a day then im up for a day or more like tonight/day (?). I often aimlessly wander through my life avoiding my own thoughts because they consist of delusiory activity. I have learned to measure these things against concrete evidence but in life I  find less and less concrete evidence to measure against as time progresses. Does this mean the world is increasingly dissident or am i getting worse? In times of stress these systems seem less concrete. I can find little but God to help which in practice works but is about as reasonable a thing as anything else is.

           Another thing: I constantly feel as though i were a fraud. That I belong no where. That i have nothing. That i am nothing. That none of this is real. I dont qualify. I am simply not good enough...... for anything. Least of all can i guarantee how i feel for even an instant. Its absurd. Im not even here right now.

           But some part of me wants to have hope that some of this is real. That anyone is reading this. That their is meaning to my thoughts. I have to keep breathing and i wont quit. Sometimes thats the best I can do: keep breathing.

ASKING ME MY MOOD IS ABOUT AS REASONABLE AS FRACTAL GEOMETRY.