Hi, I guess I found you guys years too late but I am posting some of my experiences.  Hopefully it will help someone else, or better yet maybe someone will read it and reach out to help me.

Because of my upbringing, I secretly assumed I was insane until the year 2013 when I first read about ritual abuse and dissociative identity disorder.  Since reading about it I have never doubted that that is in fact what has happened to me.  However I have not been able to find real world confirmation of this.  I began asking questions again in 2013, and even though i am supposedly a member in good standing with the group they have consistently closed ranks against me trying to make me think I am insane just like they all did throughout my childhood. 

On pages 170 & 171 of Alison Miller's wonderful book, Becoming Yourself: Overcoming Mind Control and Ritual Abuse, she writes, "If a person has in the opinion of the opinion of the perpetrator group become untrainable, or is no longer useable, programming is put in to do two things: (1) ensure that all trained insiders and their memories are permanently locked awway and unknown to the person who lives everyday life, and (2) make the person so miserable that he or she will self-destruct and eventually die of suicide or an accidental drug overdose.

Even though the description in the book says this is only done to people who are discarded from the cult, it is very obviously what I am fighting against.  I KNOW Jerry Collins of Quincy, Illinois was my childhood programmer and that he gave me discard programming, and my entire family helped him to reinforce this programming for almost two decades until I moved away from them.  I KNOW this happened to me.  I am supposedly in good standing with the cult, but because of my programming I can't report my programming problems because I can't find anyone who will even admit the cult is real but a secret, and other parts of me were specifically trained to hide this programming from the other cult members. 

I keep waking up hearing/remembering how I lied about myself in the night.  It is maddening.  The programming makes me lie to my handler constantly.  He is someone only my night self knows, I have been unable to meet him during the day despite taking increasingly desperate measures to try to do so.  I keep waking up knowing I have lied to him. 

"I" have convinced him that I will be very angry if he gives me any of the things I most desperately want and repeatedly write letters pleading with him to give me.  He thinks I will hate him if he honors my requests to meet him during the day, to be told the rules of cult, to read my emails and to check my programming records.  On the otherhand, "I" have also convinced him that I WANT everything I most fear, I told him I actually want to stay trapped living near enough to my birth family that I am obligated to see them occasionally, that I WANT to live paycheck to paycheck never having enough money to all the way fix my vehicle or home and so i have to feel guilty about spending money on therapy and know there is no chance I will ever be able to afford something selfish for myself like eye surgery. 

The other cult members apparently hate my guts so intensely that they enjoy watching me suffer and knowing they have made my everyday life become such a nightmare that I, a person who never cried at all for decades, now cry at work in front of people sometimes.  They all  hate my guts so intensely they NEVER want me to be allowed to know it is a secret, no matter what.  The entire community where I live and work is infilitrated with these people and i am surrounded by them everyday having to be nice and act as if everything is fine when I know they are only pretending to be friendly to me while secretly enjoying that I am not allowed access to a handler and am programmed to lie to myself so that every day I am living in constant fear not knowing what is really happening to me during the nights.  Living in terror for so many years without a break of ever feeling safe is breaking me down physically and I am having health problems now and i am surrounded by people who know exactly what is going on and are GLAD to watch me suffer while they are pretending to be my friends!  and for years I believed they were actually my friends because I am the stupidest person to ever live!!

I told myself if I packed up all my belongings and agreed to leave everyone i have ever known behind without saying goodbye, that i woudl be allowed to finally meet my handler, who is the man of my dreams, and he would tell me the cult is a secret and i would no longer be made to think i was insane.  i was stupid enough to try it but it didn't work.

Then later, I told myself, if I would runaway with nothing but the clothes on my back and not go home to get any of my possessions but just leave without saying anything to anyone, that my handler would come take me away and finally tell me it is a secret and i could have a new life starting over and never see anyone i knew ever again but would no longer be made to think i was insane.  I followed those crazy sounding instructions too, and I walked 40 miles away to the place where i told myself he would come to get me, but of course he never came, because the cult was just messing with my head to trick me and prove how gullible i am, AGAIN.

Then after years of trying to screw up the courage I finally asked the only person who I think knows about the cult who also seemed to actually like me as a person, and he let me pour my heart out to him, but then after I did so he humiliated me by saying he had no idea what i was talking about and that i should talk to a medical doctor about my problem.  Even though I am scared of doctors, I thought maybe this was a test the cult was giving me before they would finally allow me access to a handler, they wanted to see if i was brave enough to face both my fear of visiting a doctor and my fear of talking about the cult out loud at the same time.  so i did ask the doctor, but instead of finally allowing me in on the secret he punished me for trying to find out what was happening to myself by using his cult powers to activate my programming to cause amnesia so I would not be able to remember that he talked to me.  Then I looked like a fool in front of his staff because I was still waiting for him to come and talk to me after he already had, so now the staff there talk to me as if I am mentally retarded. 

I don't know what to do.  This shows what a piece of dung I am personally, but I was desperate to cooperate with this evil cult, I wanted to cooperate.  I have been trying to figure out what they want from me for the past five years.  I am so ashamed.  I am deeply ashamed.  Apparently the only thing they want from me is for me to suffer every waking minute during the day believing i am insane while they use my body for whatever they want without my consent during the night.

I SWITCHED TO ONLINE THERAPY BECAUSE I WANTED MY HANDLER TO SEE IT AND REALIZE WHAT PROBLEMS I AM EXPERIENCING.  I THINK IT IS HIS JOB TO MONITOR IT, BUT THE OTHER ME TRICKED HIM INTO NOT MONITORING IT AFTER ALL.  OBVIOUSLY I WOULD NEVER DO THERAPY ONLINE IF I HAD PRIVACY CONCERNS SO THAT I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO SEE THE THERAPY SESSION.  i AM TERRIFIED SOMEONE IN MY FAMILY WILL FIND THESE ONLINE THERAPY SESSIONS AND USE THEM TO DESTORY ME BUT I AM STILL DOING ONLINE THERAPY BECAUSE I AM DESPERATELY HOPING MY HANDLER WILL VIEW THEM.  I DO NOT KNOW HOW ELSE TO CONTACT HIM.  HE IGNORES MY LETTERS AND THE PHONE NUMBERS FOR  HIM LISTED ON THE INTERNET WERE ALL WRONG NUMBERS.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THESE PEOPLE EXPECT ME TO DO.  I AM DESPERATE.