Well I'm with you. When somebody behaves in a way that seems unpleasant or unusual to others in my experience it always has something to do with there own suffering, when I understand in what way that is how I can feel warmth for that person

I have been shocked and hurt by what I understand to be causing the discord around here but I have also been concerned and unsteadied by some of the comments I have seen. I'm not sure if I have misinterpreted them but they worry me.

This jorney that we are all on is about transformation but it is a transformation that will come about through love and gentleness to our self and others. That doesn't mean that there isn't a place for anger, hardness, sadness and fear but for me they can't be at the core of what I do and what drives me and my actions, when they are the choices that I make are not ones that I feel proud of and they don't tend to be ones that are supportive of others.

I feel anxious about writing this post but hope that this group is able to still 'hold' me even when we disagree
Gakina Awiiya

p.s. I am proud of what I have achieved since joining this group I feel I have progressed a long way on my journey to recovery in such a small space of time and I know I couldn't have done that without you guys so thank you

I will post this now. I didn't want to post or journal anything, it didn't seem fair to be so excited when so many were struggling. But, here goes...

Tuesday was one of the best days of my life. I had an amazing session with Faye, I made a huge step. I confronted and won the battle with one of the wounded pieces of me. It was difficult, it was a struggle, but I DID IT. I took a look at my terror of being killed that night, I looked at it again and again, I was frightened, I was scared, but I knew I was safe. I didn't let it win, I won.

That small victory changed something in me. It showed me that I can do this. I can heal, I CAN DO THIS!!

I am finally on my journey home.


I want to tackle the next journaling step in RaR. It no longer seems impossible, it will be difficult, but I know I can do it. I am going to work on my stuck points in my story. One at a time, in small steps.

Hi, me again! Guess you guys are all still in bed! I have realised that there is even mre drama then I first thought so I wanted to say some more.

When I first joined D.S. there were a few of you i remember posting on the main board. First there was empowered, I thought he was a she and when I realsied he was a man I didn't trust him at all, it took me a long time to get past that and when I did it made me realise that maybe there are men out there worth trusting and I can let them in without risking my personal safety. Then there was mockingbird, I remember she use to respond to all my posts when I first joined, even the ones that sounded a bit crazy, and always such wise words but I wondered why was she called mockingbird? Was she laughing at us all? I asked her and she told me why and then I realsied I could trust her to. And then there is all the rest of you, I don't rememeber distrusting any of you! But I do know that you bravely sharing your experiences, even the stuck points I realised that I wasn't alone, that my experience wasn't uniquely shaming. And when I start to slip into self blaming talk you have always called me on it.

I know that we have all come together because we have been hurt, we all have our baggage and none of us are perfect. Sometimes when I am uncomfortable with what is being said, I need to come forward and say my piece and othertimes, I know that I don't cause none of us are perfect and it doesn't metter to me that none of us get it right all of the time and sometimes when I don't agree with what is being said it is just because we are different anf that is ok and that is healthy.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel blessed to have found all of you and I wanted to share that with all of you

Hey....it's me....(ewwww, I never thought of 'mocking' in that context when I chose the name...lol). I want to openly say "thank you" to Matt for this post. On many levels this is what "I" need to hear. If you don't mind, I'll tell you why.

For a while now, and in no connection to the current distress, I have felt lost here. I have felt lost in my personal battle toward recovery, but, quite frankly I have felt lost on DS. I realize that the 'lostness' I have felt hasn't been just residing within me. Many of you feel it too, and our collective actions here on the boards has demonstrated our pain.

We speak of 'family' here....we talk of a 'tribe of survivors', and we sense connection..we experience connection with some on varying levels, but why? Have we ever really questioned why it is we feel connected? Is it the trauma that binds us? Could it be that we wouldn't belong had we not experienced the trauma...or is it deeper than that? This world is filled with people who feel that have suffered...but I don't necessarily feel 'connected' to them...so I wonder if it is something on a different level. I wonder if it is our desire to rise above the trauma that makes us feel connected.

Here, we share our stories (hate that term) and our pain, our questions, our ideas, and the varying things that hold us to the pain. Simply put, here, we share. Here, I have found tolerance, understanding, encouragment....value. I don't find those things, to the degree that I have here, in the 'real' world. I have believed that the reason for that was that each one here has shared my experience to a degree that allows the things listed above...the tolerance, understanding and such. I don't know if it is that alone that allows for the connection to you all, but I know it helps me to have the knowledge that what I say here, the things I expose of me...you know where it comes from.

Recently, there has been alot of things going on here. Several of us have discussed personal feelings of upset. I don't think THAT we feel upset from time to time is really very unusual. I think it is actually quite normal. But, how we react to the upset IS a critical issue.

The "baggage" mentioned above in this post - that is a fact. We each have differing life experiences that 'feed' our abilities in interaction with others. Are you 100% healthy? I'm not. I react to things irrationally at times. Why? Because of what I have learned so far. (Did you see it....the 'so far' comment?) I am not finished learning, so that I make mistakes with my thought processes from time to time would be expected. But, remember the things I said about tolerance and understanding and such? Well, this is where they would prove useful.

I NEED to work on issues attached to my recovery from rape - that is why I found DS. I NEED to feel able to admit to the uglier things I feel about the rape, about me, and about my attempts toward healing, and I NEED to feel I can continue to do that here, with each of you. Lately, it hasn't seemed comfortable to do that. Lately, I have sort of seen some issues outside of rape recovery surface, and I have seen pain surface BECAUSE of those issues. We don't need more pain, we have enough, and life will undoubtedly bring us more as days go by. I struggle when there is unrest amongst my friends. I feel unsettled and fearful...child-like. My recovery efforts are stalled when I find myself in that mind-set. If you know my rape history, you know why this is so. So, I need to remain in an adult mindset as often as I am able. I can't heal as a child fighting to keep my family at peace and held together. I can't heal while I play the family peace-keeper. I burn up all my efforts in desperation of making everyone happy for fear of the loss of it 'all'. If I see you easily dispose of one another for infractions of the heart....then I have to wonder when I might make such a misstep and lose you all.

The thing that prompted this issue....I am sure it is not just the thing Matt is enduring right now that this post addresses. There is distress amongst us that is being experienced privately. And the basic hopefulness Matt has mentioned here is what I hope we will all look toward when we decide how we feel about these words. It is easy to hurt.....it takes effort to heal.

I want to heal. I believe I can heal. That thing Matt said about pain...the 'pain is pain' thing - it's true of trauma too I think. I mean, YES, our trauma is different....there are degrees to the things done to us that created the trauma - but the end result is - trauma. No one can experience OUR trauma, it is unique - not worse...not bigger, or smaller - just OURS. So, we feel uniquely bound to it..like no one else will ever really 'get it' to the degree we do, and maybe that is right. But, still it is trauma. I don't want to expend energy comparing my pain, or my trauma - it is what it is. What I want to compare is ways to heal from it - what works for you....what hinders you....and, through that kind of comparison, seek within myself the things that work or don't work for me. I want to go back to the posts where we share....where we seek a deeper understanding through the thoughtful expression of each person here who has been harmed, but is working to be healed from that harm.

I don't want to be part of a pack...I want to be part of a tribe.

Anger is most assuredly just when one has stepped outside the bonds, and turned back in attack. I believe that. But, we are also responsible to the tribe who are left...to continue our connected works...to build up...to grow stronger bonds. I guess what I am saying is what is done is done...now what do WE do? In an old hand crocheted table-topper I had been handed down, I noticed a frayed thread right in the middle of it. The threads, over time, had worn down and become damaged. My option was, repair the damage, or throw the heirloom away. It is sitting on my living room table as I write this, and it repaired just beautifully.

I love you all! Sincerely, truly love you all. Remember that WE are all WE have. No one understands the pain and struggles that WE have experienced like the sister on your right and on your left. What makes survivor hood so special and powerful is that we have all experienced something very similar but very different. I have grown in my recovery because of the uniqueness of each of your stories. To devalue another's story is to devalue your own and your STORY is all you have, your voice is what ultimately frees you from the chairs that your abuser put you in! I love you all, very beautiful survivors!!

Thanks so much! Let me make another request: some people are personally angry with a former member who has endeavored to hurt me, professionally. I am asking for respect in comments toward her. While I do not agree with her choices and beliefs today, it is not right to downgrade anyone's status--whether as a survivor or even as a person. Whatever else goes on, I have always followed my heartfelt belief that we are all loved children of God, and I am asking for gentleness toward others. This does not mean anger is forbidden, but please remember our best values. This is someone whose work I respect immensely, regardless of whether that respect is returned. I just can't set aside my beliefs when life is tough; they matter the MOST right now. Let's demonstrate a depth of good character and unity that heals us all.

You are all very precious and worthy people to me.

Hey Its me..

What I'm about to say refers to what Matt wrote in his original post here and each response except for reply #7. What I need to say about all those entries is "A-FRICKEN-A-FRICKEN-MEN!!!! (Amen those who are offended). The reason I left out reply #7 in my 'amen' is that I'm not exactly in a position that I agree with it (yet), and I don't want to agree with what Matt is saying for the sake of agreeing with it. With that said, it doesn't mean that I wouldn't LOVE to able to feel (in my core) everything he said (in reply #7). I have my own opinion on how I WOULD FEEL, if I were in Matt's shoes. But MY feelings, about how I WOULD feel, don't have a place being interjected in his reply, that's why I'm making this point.

There now that that confusing mumble of thoughts is out, can I just say one thing. About everything going on. My perspective. My belief about why there are struggles here, that weren't before. My understanding of everything from MY VERY OWN life experiences,

I've heard from the minute I set foot here, and all during the retreat, the phrase tribe. That is what we strive for; that is what we feel we have become. I use the term family, because ...that's just me and better yet I have experience with Large families being the youngest of a VERY large family myself (yep, it was the same mom and dad...no they weren't crazy....just Catholic).

What's been happening here is soooooo reminiscent of what happens in very large families. NO Kidding!!!. It's a wonder neither one of my parents went crazy parenting all the discord that would pop up. What's going on here at the moment is not unusual in a group this size, that feels like family and if I could be so bold to use a therapist's term...I think it's even "HEALTHY". Why...(because I'm nuts..LOL...no,no,no...just kidding)......Why? Because that means we are not just blithely throwing the 'family' or 'tribe' word around. We are actually LIVING it!!!! The only difference between the large family I grew up in, and this family is that each of us has come from VERY, VERY different parenting backgrounds. We all have VERY different views, on what a mother is, what a father is, what being a sibling is like. And I truly believe that is what is causing such rancor right now. We are each stepping back into the shoes of the one the raised us. We are each trying to manage this strife in the way we learned from the family experiences we grew up with.

My parents have both since passed, and I was 32 when my mom died and 30 when my dad died. I can honestly say that besides wishing I still had them here, because I do still wake up some days and think..with a whiney tone....."I wish I could talk to Ma". I miss her, some days more than others...I miss my dad too, and I loved them both.

Anyway I was getting to a point. (Now I'm going to confess...I'm sitting here at the computer and I don't remember what my point was...give me a sec)........

Oh, yea, yea...I remember now...The point I was trying to make was this... That once my mom and dad were gone and they weren't there to smooth over any conflicts...we kids struggled for a time. But once we got through our grief of losing our last parent (my mom)...we learned a way to be a family. We are still the same one, with the same stories and life experiences, but now we don't have that ONE or TWO people to keep us in check....we are left to do that ourselves. Rightly or wrongly, I think we all looked and expected Tonya and Matt, to the be the Ma and Pa of our Tribe. When we are upset with one another who's the first people we turn to fix....Tonya and Matt. When we were at a crossroads we messaged either Matt or Tonya for advice. They have done a fabulous job, being the Ma and Pa at the retreat and thusfar, but I think it's time we put them back in the ranks of the rest of us....let them be the irritatingly always right, big brother and sister.