It's exactly the same. It's an avoidance of anything that reminds of rape. Personally, I always found it _more_ triggering to see the asterix or type it out because it created an event of writing the word. (here's this word that's bad and secret and what of I trigger me or someone else, maybe I need to write less letters or no letters) whereas if I was in a community that didn't blink at the word or at least encouraged the use as much as it encouraged people to feel okay with masking it; I could have written the word and it wouldn't have registered so much in my head. For me, if I'm writing about rape, I'm already thinking about it; already reminded or triggered so using the words isnt so bad.

However, saying the word rape is still difficult for me to say without being matter-of-fact. Again, I think that is down to little exposure to a community where the word is okay to use and is less shocking.

I didn't have trouble saying the word at the retreat though - because it is an accepted and honoured word. No one figuratively gasps and the thing is; that's a place full of trauma survivors. Where there "should" be most fear there is very little. That is one of the main things I struggled with...exposure to a healthy "rape culture". It really drew home how silent rape is.

Thanks for your response Heptet.

Guess I need to continue working through why I struggle with saying the word.

I think it is kind of the same thing. Personally, I don't have a problem with typing or reading the word, but when I try to speak it out loud (rarely) It gets all caught in my throat. I avoid saying it aloud, and whenever I hear it I cringe, no matter the context. This is a topic that I think of quite often. I wonder why I have trouble saying the word. Even when I am not referring to myself or my own rape, I have a hard time saying it even in a general sense. It is perplexing. It's almost like every time the word comes out of my mouth feels like an admission that it happened to me. because I know it did. I feel like when I utter it, everyone in earshot will somehow know that I was raped. I hate it. I try not to speak it. But I wish I could change that. Like Hep said, I can speak it at the retreats without that same reaction. Because it's a safe place. because there, it IS honored. Because there, I am honored, and I know it.

"it's almost like every time the word comes out of my mouth feels like an admission that it happened to me. because I know it did. I feel like when I utter it, everyone in earshot will somehow know that I was raped. I hate it. I try not to speak it. "

Thank you for saying this. I relate to the feeling of "over exposure".