Yeah I don't see anything wrong with recognizing where and how certain things are similar and empathy is expressed as been there too. If it is a similar thing. There was a woman who I was talking with whose trauma I thought I might not be able to support her though but there was something once where I could use my gaining hope and help through some sun though the tree branches and something about how she was talking gave me the idea or this and she then launched into a strength gaining place talking about a tree she saw around the time of her trauma. I felt it was an empathy that only seeing a similar expression allowed me to communicate. I think it's important to extend what feels right. I've never really heard anyone say "me too".

I think, like most anything, it depends on the context. People can usually sense whether the "me too" is said in solidarity, or to seek attention. I wish it always worked out that the "me too" was expressed along the lines of, "I'm a survivor too! Tell me how it's been for you..." so the note of commonality is made clear, but the focus remains with the person whop initiated the disclosure.

I wish it worked that way too, Matt. Unfortunately for me, I've never been in a support group that even raised the issue of rape, even though that was what the support group was for. Needless to say, I left relatively quickly, it wasn't doing me any good to be the one to "maintain the continuity of the group" by being there as a body, not a member.

Being able to say 'me too' was a huge step, a massive step. Not to stop anyone else talking (as often I would say it in my head), bur for me it signaled finally acknowledging I was a survivor. So, me too, I fell has many facets and not feeling the only one is certainly a huge part of it. Coming to the first retreat was my first ever public 'me too'. it was tough, exhausting, but fantastic and releasing at the same time.

In terms of cultivating empathy I think being able to recognise yourself in another survivors story..not necessarily on a literal level, can help us foster a sense of compassion for ourselves. I could say me too long before I could feel me too. I could watch rape stories on tv and listen to survivors and there just wasn't this emotional connection coming from me at all.

I think in some support groups or in real life people are so focussed on themselves because of how their trauma kept them silent that when there is n opportunity to say me too, this is how I feel it is easy to forget in their own need to express, that the focus began on another survivor. A lot of forums stay stuck in that place because there isn't a solid source that goes beyond that to ask questions and promote deeper thinking..to cultivate a different empathetic support style. So what happens is everyone gets stuck in I feel pain too with no real impetus on moving from that

I think it is different depending on the place where one shares. Like, here, where all our words are written. It makes it a great forum to share, because you can get your words out, and then there is an orderly progression of comments (conversation) that follows. But, in a group setting, where you are seated in a room together, then, it is up to the facilitator of the group to acknowledge who is speaking and to prevent others from shutting that person down with all of the "me too"s of support. Support is one thing, and everyone has been in a place where there is an "attention hog". But, I think a great facilitator would have rules that could be gently and respectfully enforced during a group setting. I have never been involved in a group setting except in the hospital. In this particular case, they had simple rules of respect. You would think adults would have no problem with that, and there were many of us, me included, who had to be invited to speak, because of being too willing to let others speak while we simply say back and listened. So, it can go both ways with the speaking out, or the shutting down. Again, it was the facilitator who made it easier to finally speak. We, if we had not spoken yet, were kind of "scheduled" to speak out in the discussion in the upcoming groups.

I agree with the value, for me, for hearing others get it, and openly admit to understanding. That is why it is easier to share, for me, in such a place as this. My therapist was upset with me when I dropped out here. He said he could hear, in the way I speak about my friends here, how valuable this forum has been for me.

i remember having to think that one through when Matt wrote it. I think it depends on what the person speaking is looking for. Sometimes a person IS looking for someone else who has had the same experience. Then "me too" can be really affirming.

On the other hand, sometimes a person is trying to get to the heart of what an experience meant to themselves. Just because two people have had a similar experience doesn't mean that it will create exactly the same feelings or meanings. When someone is in trying to make sense mode rather than trying to feel less alone mode, "me too" can actually shut someone down because it causes them to take the focus off of their own search for understanding and instead focus on understanding another person.

Also there are different kinds of "me toos". I find something like "I felt that way too when X happened t me" helpful because the focus is still on the feeling I'm trying to process. In seeing how someone else wrestles with something I might get a few ideas about what will work for me.

On the other hand someone hearing a small part of my story and saying "I know exactly how you feel" is a non-starter with me. I'll accept it as well-intentioned, but it isn't really helpful. I think it actually closes down conversation and reflection. If I agree there is no reason for further conversation. It is already settled I'm exactly like the other person. If I don't agree, then I'm liable to come across as unsympathetic. "No you don't" is kind of rude. "maybe, maybe not" is gentler but sort of a push off too.

The real problem with "I know exactly how you feel" is that it is just too broad reaching. Sure there are common themes in all of our responses, but we are also unique individuals with unique histories and combinations of beliefs. When it comes to healing those details often matter: a lot. No one can know _exactly_ how I feel unless they first take the time to hear how I feel. "I know exactly how you feel" signals that the other person is either only interested in how I am the same or simply not deep enough into their own story to understand that we each have our own way of working it through.

Good points. When I write things, I take the reader's intelligence for granted and it usually pays off. Rather than trying to spell out every specific instance, interpretation, and usage (which would not only be condescending but also very controlling), I write with trust that readers are also able to apply personal experience and wisdom as well, and that has obviously been the case with each of you. So that's why I can caution in one section against the "me too" conversational speedbump, without negating the WHOLE potential value of "me too" solidarity. As they say, the poison is in the dose.

By way of example, in other sections of my writings (including a section I've not yet published), I also quote CS Lewis who wrote,

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”

And as you all know by know, my entire philosophy (not just of "rape work" but of life itself) is that connecting our life with other lives is the core definition of healing from trauma and fulfilling our purpose. The entire goal of the retreats, and when I started this DS group, was to facilitate commonality and social relationship among us as people, not as victims. So in that sense, "me too" is an incredible healing phrase.

It's easy to get confused by just two words extracted from context and dissect them to find fault or virtue. Keep the context of the warning in mind, too...in that passage, I was referring broadly to the unhealthy energy-sponge victim who absorbs light from anyone else to propagate her own core identity as a victim, victim, victim. When the topic of rape is brought up, the "me too" isn't said to form a bond, it's to draw the energy from the topic toward herself. It's the two-word equivalent of, "Oh yeah? Well listen to MY story..." The "me too" isn't about affirming something in YOU, it's about self-promotion. There's the compassionate "me too" and the aggrandizing "me too."

Normally when two people connect cables to jump-start a car battery, the stronger battery offers force to the weaker one. In the healthy "me too," that's what happens. In the unhealthy "me too," the current runs backwards.

I remember reading that in the book too, and it kinda rubbed me the wrong way. For me to say "me too" to someone was actually big step for me. I think of it as a step forward to being a survivor. If you can finally say "me too" when you haven't been able to do that before, then you should congratulate yourself. You are well on the way to being a survivor.

Thank you all for providing your thoughts on this. I have a better understanding now.

This has been helpful to me to identify twice that I might have encountered the unhelpful "me too" someone I was interested in and I were having a funny time to me and I let him know that I had been raped and he came back with that he doesn't understand that but had witnessed a murder. But he didn't let anything thing happen in terms of anything supportive ect. Actually he said "I don't care". In fact that was it. I actually ended up texting him to say gosh I heard what you said the next day. But I never got anything from him. The next is a old friend who one day said "people have" done things against me as well and that was supposed to be it she's been not a victim of a crime but insulted or something and I was suppose to drop and and say if she's not effected by those incidents and figured out how to handle them some how I am suppose to not be affected anymore by these crimes. Each of those people seemed to be saying I have been though something unrelated so now you know and don't have to have anything else said regarding what you went though.

Catroot

It's difficult to have your experiences basically dismissed by others.