Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
May trigger
I have the ability to over analyze things. I know my memory is my largest weakness. I remember about 25% of want happened the night I was raped, that was due to self suppression. As I try to work out the itty-bitty details of my life as a whole I remember things like being held down by three of my male cousins in innocent child's play trying to put fake tattoos on my arms and hands. I remember hiding in between a tree and a shed at their farm for hours and hours, just looking at their father church and praying, and not looking behind me due to fear (but fear of what). Is this my minds way of twisting that memory with my rape that I know did happen, or did they do something to way before that? I remember hiding behind chairs at their farm as well. I know we are not anywhere close to a family as we should be now. Was it child's play, my mind trying to keep justifying my self blame, just over analyzing, or am I still looking for ways to suppress and hide my rape?
I have the ability to over analyze things. I know my memory is my largest weakness. I remember about 25% of want happened the night I was raped, that was due to self suppression. As I try to work out the itty-bitty details of my life as a whole I remember things like being held down by three of my male cousins in innocent child's play trying to put fake tattoos on my arms and hands. I remember hiding in between a tree and a shed at their farm for hours and hours, just looking at their father church and praying, and not looking behind me due to fear (but fear of what). Is this my minds way of twisting that memory with my rape that I know did happen, or did they do something to way before that? I remember hiding behind chairs at their farm as well. I know we are not anywhere close to a family as we should be now. Was it child's play, my mind trying to keep justifying my self blame, just over analyzing, or am I still looking for ways to suppress and hide my rape?
This isn't an intentional effort to suppress or hide from your rape; never feel guilty (or let someone else foolishly call it "denial)--this is natural and normal. In a sense, it may be a blessing because it allows you to process a few parts at first, rather than having to comprehend the entire enormous narrative. By succeeding at what you do remember, you are better able to manage the subsequent memories.
I had a former patient who co-lectured at a college class with me back in October. She did a brilliant job, but on the way out to the parking lot she told me, "I had a little flashback in there while we were talking." I was really worried, and asked, "Are you okay?"
She said, very honestly and comfortably, "Oh yeah! It's just one more little glimpse of things I have to journal about and process." Ill be damned, she wasn't the *slightest* bit scared! I asked her how she could be so confident, and she said "well, I've already processed the original memories I've carried, so I know I can do it. There's nothing left in the vault that can scare me now. It's annoying, but it's not something I worry will overcome me anymore. I have the tools to manage them now, so I'll just need some time with my journal, and that's that."
:)