Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
So I tried to write out the story and all I seemed to manage to do was revert to a place of denial intertwined with even more self-blame.
I was fighting with myself in this writing. One part trying to convince me that what happened was wrong and was rape and the other part trying to say that it wasn't and the fact I continued to go back to him just proved it.
I used to try to explain the going back as being something I did out of fear and a lack of enough self-worth but I feel really confused by all this now. It's like I'm right back to where I was when I was with him, like somehow it was just all me, my hang ups about sex and not anything wrong with him or how he treated me.
I could admit that he was a jerk and that he might have pushed me into things I didn't really want but regardless I still showed up. I knew what he'd do and I still showed up. I wasn't stuck living with him, so in theory, I had options. I could have not answered his calls or just avoided him, potentially. I felt like I had to make things work. We had to stay together to have things make sense. To make things right.
What's even more frustrating to me right now is that any thoughts I had about what happened back then are gone. All my journals were destroyed before I got married. i wanted him out of my head and anything that had anything to do with him I got rid of to the best of my ability. So anything in there that would have helped me now to see that maybe it wasn't something I really wanted, or to explain what my thought process might have been all those years ago, it's gone.
And the last time, the time I never went back, I don't even remember why I was there in the first place or what really happened. I just remember what I was wearing and that I gave him a choice and I remember the day. I don't remember anything else.
And even when I can convince myself that I didn't want it, I still blame me for showing up.
Is this what writing the story does? Or maybe I didn't write the story the way it was supposed to be written.
I was fighting with myself in this writing. One part trying to convince me that what happened was wrong and was rape and the other part trying to say that it wasn't and the fact I continued to go back to him just proved it.
I used to try to explain the going back as being something I did out of fear and a lack of enough self-worth but I feel really confused by all this now. It's like I'm right back to where I was when I was with him, like somehow it was just all me, my hang ups about sex and not anything wrong with him or how he treated me.
I could admit that he was a jerk and that he might have pushed me into things I didn't really want but regardless I still showed up. I knew what he'd do and I still showed up. I wasn't stuck living with him, so in theory, I had options. I could have not answered his calls or just avoided him, potentially. I felt like I had to make things work. We had to stay together to have things make sense. To make things right.
What's even more frustrating to me right now is that any thoughts I had about what happened back then are gone. All my journals were destroyed before I got married. i wanted him out of my head and anything that had anything to do with him I got rid of to the best of my ability. So anything in there that would have helped me now to see that maybe it wasn't something I really wanted, or to explain what my thought process might have been all those years ago, it's gone.
And the last time, the time I never went back, I don't even remember why I was there in the first place or what really happened. I just remember what I was wearing and that I gave him a choice and I remember the day. I don't remember anything else.
And even when I can convince myself that I didn't want it, I still blame me for showing up.
Is this what writing the story does? Or maybe I didn't write the story the way it was supposed to be written.
When I was working with the therapist, I was also working with a clergy person and have continued to talk with this clergy person (who is also aware of the workbook).
So I guess right now the only guidance I have had is going through the workbook which I started over a year ago and then stalled out when it got to the story part, partly because I didn't have a person to tell it to face to face (my clergy person lives in another state, there's a reason for that but our communication is limited to email and occasional phone calls) and when I decided to try to just write something because I'm sick of feeling stuck, I found myself reverting back to ideas that I guess are what seem to be the issue to begin with.
So I guess it all boils down to working on the self-blame and responsibility piece again and that maybe "the story" for me right now isn't really so much about what happened between me and him but more about how I can figure out how to stop making me the only one who did something wrong.
And I guess a big part of what prompted my push to do this writing now is that I knew that I was having a lot of difficulty with the words -- admitting to another human just the fact of what happened, not even details, just the phrase and I couldn't do it. I realized that I was still hiding from it and that needed to change. After all it made no sense that my rapist could apologize for raping me and forcing me to have sex and own up to it but I still can't say it out loud. I've journaled about that too but it hasn't helped me get to where I can say it.
Not to mention the guilt about not going to the police until it was way too late because I was in way too much denial and if there was someone after me, I still blame me and not him for it.
But none of this is new and I've talked about all of this in therapy before and journaled about it . Yet here I am feeling stuck and not wanting to feel stuck anymore and knowing that the only person standing in my way is me.
Maybe it's in the book and I need to review it but what comes first? --Being able to admit to being to being raped or working through the feelings of guilt / self blame etc. I'm thinking in my case the feelings of self-blame are so connected to my willingness to call it rape that I probably need to work on that first maybe.
It's okay to still feel self blame. I know it's frustrating when we know something is blocking us but it's okay to still feel that way if that is how you feel. I still feel a lot of shame evn though I am open about being a survivor and I still struggle to say the words for some events even though I know being open helps and I know I have nothing to be ashamed about. I feel better for letting go of the shoulda in recovery - but it has certainly taken me a long journey to reach this more relaxed pace and mindset.
Im not sure I offered much in way of advice but maybe hearing my experience will help :)
When you talk about letting go of the "shoulda" in recovery do you mean things you could have / should have done differently at the time?
If so, I know I can't change what I did or didn't do, I can only try to figure out how to live with the decisions I made and I guess that is task at hand, to forgive myself for the decisions I made during that time.
If I can forgive him for what he did, I guess I owe the same to myself.
Just a thought - can you really forgive someone for something you don't believe they did? I never got angry or upset at any of my abusers because I explained away their behaviour and offered forgiveness. A lot of my explanations, however, related strongly to me doing something bad. I blamed myself and that behaviour occurred so frequently, I didnt question it - this must be my fault, after all it always is.
For me, it was actually the forgiveness of my abusers that was stopping me from healing. It created this cycle - its not me and it's not them so it must be me but, hey, not me!
When you talk about looking at shame and saying it was rape; you're right to connect them, but I don't believe they are directly linked in terms of healing. I can say something is rape because enough evidence has been shown. I could tell anyone and everyone...did I believe it deep down? Mostly not. On the other hand, there are things that I know are abuse because I was a child and they weren't but I won't use those words to describe it and my shame is huge - I probably would benefit from saying the words. It's personal choice.
Interesting thought about forgiving someone for something you don't believe they did. I guess the problem is I know what he did and technically when consent is withdrawn or an individual is compliant through intimidation it is a sexual assault. I know this from an objective place, to look at it on paper I can say yes certain incidents meet Title 13 Chapter 72 section 3252 subsection (a) 1 and perhaps 3.
Maybe I need to go back and look at domestic violence literature because even though he didn't hit me, he was way angry and would punch walls and be a jerk a lot of time. And I know that when I met him I was lonely and feeling broken and his outbursts where familiar as my mother was also prone to getting angry, yet not really hitting me, and my mother could still love me and her behavior was never questioned by anyone.
I can be so matter of fact and logical with all of this. This is why I stayed, this is why it was rape but this is why I didn't see it as rape, this is why I think it's my fault but this this is why it wasn't. Yet the truth is none of this insight has helped me put it neatly in the past where it belongs.
I know full well that what happened isn't something that will just vanish from my mind but at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't be so afraid of it either. I went to the doctor and I shake and I'm practically in tears and I can't even say it. I can squeek out that my previous relationship wasn't a good one and some bad things happened. What am I so afraid of? What will saying it do to me? Maybe saying it will make it real, more real than just a factoid I can proclaim on a message board or in some essay for school.
I looked back at an old journal entry and during my last few therapy sessions we were going to try EMDR and I was scared of trying it again because there was the possibility of feeling too much and I didn't think I wanted to do that. I didn't want to feel things physically.
I can cry and get angry and feel scared and express emotions about what happened but I don't want to feel those things I physically felt with him. That I don't want and I've been very thankful to not have the sorts of issues that other people have had. I don't really have nightmares, I don't really have flashbacks in the sense of going back to those moments where I think I'm there with him. I have moments of panic and fear but I don't feel like I'm stuck under him. I just feel afraid, probably more like the fear I felt when he came back to my house after storming off and I wouldn't let him in and he was pounding on the door and tried to climb up the side of the house to get in through the window. The feeling of not knowing what was going to happen and calling the police and my heart pounding.
I think I'm mostly detached from what he did physically, probably because he did it so often. Guess it became something to get through like a pap smear. You push through it and you can remember the pain a little bit but then you just go about your business and it's a distant memory that has only slight physical recall.
Guess I sort of rambled on a bit more than I'd planned. Seems to be my way of doing things lately.