Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
Sounds ridiculous because I've worked so long on my healing, I had experienced long-term sexual abuse in childhood, but I'm just not positive I can call what my cousin did rape; I was 40 and he a few years older.
There was no violence because I had dissociated. In fact, I have no memory of what happened except for before and after.
Before: He had invited me to lunch and I had gone to his hotel room to meet him. I'd never had gone to a stranger's room or even an acquaintance's room, but I trusted him. It never occurred to me not to go to his room.
Before: I was in the living room and heard him call out for me to come into the bedroom. I remember feeling dread. Dragging my feet and not wanting to go, but feeling I had no choice.
Amnesia for whatever happen.
After: Getting in the cab to go to dinner. He was upbeat and happy. I was miserable. I was sick to my stomach and finally told him I had to catch the train back home because I was sick.
Was that rape? I was in therapy at the time but don't recall bringing this up to my therapist.
Thanks.
There was no violence because I had dissociated. In fact, I have no memory of what happened except for before and after.
Before: He had invited me to lunch and I had gone to his hotel room to meet him. I'd never had gone to a stranger's room or even an acquaintance's room, but I trusted him. It never occurred to me not to go to his room.
Before: I was in the living room and heard him call out for me to come into the bedroom. I remember feeling dread. Dragging my feet and not wanting to go, but feeling I had no choice.
Amnesia for whatever happen.
After: Getting in the cab to go to dinner. He was upbeat and happy. I was miserable. I was sick to my stomach and finally told him I had to catch the train back home because I was sick.
Was that rape? I was in therapy at the time but don't recall bringing this up to my therapist.
Thanks.
Sorry you had to go through this.
But, I don't think I can work through what I don't remember. Any suggestions?
Suz
Suz
Thank you for your wisdom.
I will do that. The only thing I keep wondering about though is what happened rape? Do you think it was?
xx
I think, in your case, that if you don't remember what happened, then it is probably more than just regretting what happened in the bedroom. The being sick to your stomach and miserable also suggests the same thing, especially if you were extremely uncomfortable about being around him since entering the bedroom.
Another indicator is the fact that it's bothering you to the point that it's disrupting at least part of your life to the point where it seems to be consuming part of you most of the time, and all of you a good chunk of the time, to the point of questioning yourself and asking others what they think about it. That, to me, indicates that something happened that has created some sort of reaction within you about what happened that has come to the forefront at this point in your life. If it were regret, I doubt you would be asking these questions, and that you probably would have the memories of what happened in your cousin's bedroom.
Another indicator is that you didn't want to go into the bedroom in the first place. You said you "felt dread" and were "dragging your feet and not wanting to go, but feeling I had no choice." With that in mind, I highly doubt you would have agreed to having sex with him, another indicator that part of you knows that it whatever happened wasn't a consentual encounter.
Deep down, I think you know what to call it, you're just looking for some confirmation from others who have been raped. I also think you may be comparing it to the sexual abuse you suffered as a child, which was probably completely different than what you experienced with your cousin. Don't think about anything that happened when you were a child, think about only what happened with your cousin. Does it feel like regret, or something more? What do you think it is? I can't answer that question, but as far as do I think it was rape? Based on what you said in the original post, I would say yes, it was rape.
Thank you for your response.
While this episode does not consume me I do want closure on it. It's hard to get that closure when I'm not sure what words to use or how to frame it.
In my head I continue to see rape as forced sex with an unwilling participant, but because I have no memory of what actually happened in that bedroom I just don't know. I only know I didn't want to go there. Did he force me once I was there? I don't know. Was I willing once there? I don't know. Did I say no? I don't know. Did I fight him? I don't know.
My regret is in not remembering that he was a perpetrator so many, many years back, and in wanting my family to be the wonderful people I deluded myself into thinking they were--so much so, that I forgot how he "played horsey" in bed with my sister when she was little.
I think I must consider myself a victim of rape, in spite of no conscious memories. :(
I had the problem with the "forced sex with an unwilling participant" as well, and it was a major stuck point for me until I realized that "fight/flight" was actually missing an aspect of the reaction, "freeze." The human mind/body can react in a way that is the least damaging in dangerous situations. By freezing there is less possibility of physical harm. The part of rape that really counts is the "unwilling participant," regardless of the actions of that person.
As far as considering yourself a victim of rape, it will allow healing, and a move from victim to survivor. What you experienced, whether you remember it or not, is still a traumatic experience. Your mind may have shut down as a result of habit when you were a child. The conscious part of the brain can "take a vacation" from the physical feelings of the body. You probably dissociated out of necessity, to either survive the pain or mental anguish of the abuse you were subjected to as a child. Dissociation served you well, and it's not surprising that you don't remember what happened with your cousin that day.
I can also understand the wanting your family to be the wonderful people you feel they should have been. Creating the illusion in your mind that they were was another way you were able to survive the abuse as a child. More than likely you turned them into 2 separate groups of people, the picture perfect family that you wanted them to be, and the cruel and abusive people they were. It was separating the good from the evil, like the Dr. Jekyle and Mr. Hyde of old England. In essence, 2 people in one body, with a switch that flipped them back and forth. Almost every abusive person has times where they treat their target decently, which creates the illusion that everything is actually ok, and the victim is actually at fault for the abuse. They are also good at creating an environment where the abuse is actually love in their eyes, especially when the victim is young, and even more so when the abuse consists of some sort of sexual abuse. it's the "I love you, and if you didn't do this I wouldn't have to abuse you," or "I love you and this (sexual abuse) is how I show it," crap.
If you continually regret not remembering that he was a perpetrator, and how you wanted to see your family, you'll have a hard time with healing from it as well. The key is to get to the point where you stop regretting what you wanted to see, and accept the fact that you were young, and didn't know anything else. His playing horsey with your sister when you were young doesn't seem like something you would question or see as anything but harmless at the time. You wouldn't have understood what was really happening, and even if you did, you would probably consider it normal due to your abuse. I'm not going to say let go of those memories, but figure out how to accept them as part of your history, something you can learn to heal from, and actually heal from.
I hope this makes sense for you, and I truly wish that none of this had ever happened to you. I do know one thing, you can heal from all of the things that have happened, it doesn't have to remain an open wound forever. It's also not the easiest thing to do, and the not remembering adds a whole different aspect to how you heal from some of it. None of this is straight forward, and the road to healing is the same way.
You are kind with your time and I appreciate it. Thank you for your response.
SuzA
Our minds are extraordinary. Our brains’ way of functioning helps us deal with extreme things so that we can survive and later move on through healing work.
Not remembering is one way of dealing with trauma. From the way you describe the event, it seems as though your brain tried to save you in some way. Working through your emotions and unmet needs around it might open up what happened. Sitting with what you feel, either by yourself or with a helper, will eventually tell you enough about the event - even if there were physical trauma to impair memory - so that you can move on. I’d suggest trusting yourself while questioning everything. Why, how, what, when? What meaning do these things have? How would a child think and feel? How would an adult think or feel? Sooner or later you will find the door leading to where you need to go inside yourself.
I’m not a mental health professional or a doctor, but I can’t see any of us feeling anxious about something that the brain has not registered in some way. In my opinion, as there is anxiety, there is also something needing to be found and healed. What needs to be dealt with will appear when we’re ready for it.
Your questions are both scary and meaningful to me. And the fear makes me wonder if I even want to go there. Yet, I know what is not named cannot heal...which is why I came to this group.
Having to look at this so reminds me of a workshop for survivors experience I had. I was asked to look at my abused self during a role play. I could not and buried my face into the neck of the person who was supporting me through the role play.
With continued coaxing I finally lifted my face, inches at a time, and dared to open my eyes. I had expected to see a dirty, disgusting, revolting child. Instead, I saw an innocent, lost, needy child and my heart broke with compassion for her.
I took her to my heart and she has been there ever since.
But this rape happened when I was 40...can I bear to look at that person with compassion as well? I won't know until I face it.
And I thank you for your help in doing that.
xx
SuzA
If you were to ask me, I’d say the 40-yearold you has the same kind of distress and innocence as little you, and also deserves just as much compassion and understanding. The fact that you were trapped in an ugly situation doesn’t make you revolting or wrong. It makes you wounded and terribly unjustly treated. Eventually you’ll see that abuse does not define you. It never really has or ever will – no matter how it made you feel or think about yourself.
I can relate to the fear of going where it hurts. We humans are biologically built to avoid what harms us. If we weren’t, our species would have perished long ago. In other words it’s no wonder our entire being is screaming at us when we attempt to go towards these things - it’s a question of attempted survival, after all.
But, when it comes to psychological trauma our desperate, overworked brain is making a mistake. To heal we need to find what meaning our traumas had for us, and our emotions and unmet needs can tell us that. It’s horrible work and personally I’d give my right arm for not having to do another second of it. But as that kind of an option doesn’t exist, and we’re all sitting in our personal jail-cells built by our very necessary reactions to what was done to us, all we can do is discover what our prisons are made of so we can finally find a way to leave and breathe the free air again. And some of us we will be breathing said free air for the first time ever.
If you like, one can also look at the whole thing this way: right now we’re using a lot of our inner power and energy to conceal things, especially to ourselves. The more we work through our stuff, the more of that energy is released and available for simply and gloriously living instead – what it was always meant for.