Stranger rape is the minority; most rapes are committed by persons known to the victim.

Sorry James - I think that was all I wrote...but I am not positive.

Is that a myth? I mean Stranger rape IS a minority isnt it? Which is why it is so ignored by activists...which is CRAP!

It seems like now people are saying IT'S NOT THE CREEPY GUY IN THE ALLEY! but neglect that sometimes it IS the creepy guy in the alley...*sigh* get it together people! lol
anywho....thats my thoughts there..

i feel like...
you just stole my angry monologue kardy lol

might not be the place for this comment, but following Exit's and Kardy's, I agree. I am from a younger generation than more people here, and what we learned in school was different. They stopped giving the "stranger danger" speech, and now its only "don't accept drinks from people" etc. I had NEVER had a "stranger rape lesson" I guess you could say, in my life. I realize how much more prevelant date and acquintance rape are, but I think there really needs to be a better mixture of the two in activism and in the educational setting.

I gave a lecture at a college class in "social Problems" yesterday in which I made this same point, but was careful to put it correctly: "80% of rapes are perpetrated by someone known to the victim, and on average they have known the perpetrator a year or more. So the image we have of the psycho in the parking lot at midnight is actually rare. It DOES happen, of course, but we also need to examine the fact that our highest risk of violence is in unhealthy relationships."

So there. Both facts acknowledged in context.

I have talked with some of my friends who know my situation.

I think that people don't think that it happens to people that they know.

The statistics are high for rape, sexual abuse and incest whether children or adults. I think that it is important that this affects all regardless of race, religion or socio-economic class.

I know that if I stood outside of my kids' elementary school that the majority of people would not think that is me.

If you really think about it, it happens to someone on your street. If you like at those statistics, it must.

It is not a myth; I apologize and surrender. I jotted briefly the gist of what I had written in the original post - that the majority of sexual assaults are committed by persons known to the victim.

We tend to see the world through our own experiences. I was repeatedly raped by my husband but I didnât recognize it as rape for a long time. I knew what he was doing was wrong but couldnât not connect the dots from husband to rapist. I went to catholic school in the 70s there was no sex education and certainly no date rape discussion.

I donât think the notion of a husband raping his wife (or any intimate partner rape) ever crossed my mind until I was the victim. That is probably why it is top of mind for me. Stranger rape is not a myth (again I apologize) I know it happens and I wasn't looking to upset anyone.

Wow, sorry James, I kind of remember some of what I had written. I know the first thing was:

Myth: Time heals all wounds.

Myth: Ignoring it will make it go away. (Let sleeping dogs lie).

I am not sure of the other things I had written. I know your post spurred alot of thought in me, and it caused me to post a discussion that has alot to do with the issue being discussed here, and the fact that we tend to 'compare' our rape accounts....we look to statistics as reality...we get caught up in the differences, or the likenesses...and we do all of it to our own detriment. I mean, by looking in all those other directions, we lose focus on the things we need to be spending more time with for our own healing.

I think, for myself, the fact that "most" rapes are not committed by strangers can have a hidden effect on those of us who were raped by strangers. It is a kind of subtle segregator. The 'fact' takes rape survivors and puts them in categories. I know, for mental health providers, or for bean counters this may be vital. For survivors, not so much. I already feel different, set-apart from the majority of the world (I know...working on it already)...but, being told that, not only do I not fit in with them majority of un-traumatized humanity, I am now told neither do I fit with the majority of the traumatized humans in my midst.....set-apart is not a good way to feel. I simply think we, for the sake of our own healing, should not focus on stats. I think activists shouldn't either. YES, statistics make an impact statement...drives the points home. But, like chapters in a book...when YOU are the person in the minority...the one chapter out of thirty allocated to your type of rape....you find yourself a little lost.

I think my real point here might be getting lost...lol. I want to say, what if we just look at rape and it's effects? What if we just realize we each have trauma that needs healing? What if we take on the issue of the world's ignorance of the actualities of rape, without getting so bound up in the stats?

I hope your speech goes well. I hope you have gotten some helpful responses.

I wish Matt could re-write his initial response. It was very informative.

You know there is a part of mockinbird's post that I think is a crucial point. The effects of this are so great. It effects the core of your very being and so many pieces of you. Also, you may be living with the fall out for many years and not even realize it. I am not sure how you convey that to the public.

The process to recover is so very difficult. When your therapist says that there are no words to describe the process and only one day when you are in process and you agree with her that there are no words to describe the process, that tells how far reaching this is. It is a very long and arduous road that each of us must undertake for what we were entitled to in the first place. I think that the general public does not understand this piece for sure.

Clearly, we have the opportunity to recover, but it requires large commitment in ourselves to do that. I still do not see the justice in this process when we are the ones traumatized. Sorry for this last comment, but I struggle with this all the time.

Oh Matthew...as Kardy would say....the "so there" comment....comes off a little as a 'nanny-nanny boo-boo' ....lol.

I hope that my comments are not construed as argumentative. I know the reality of the issue...and I am sure James could agree with the under-information (is that a term?) of male-by-female rape, just like we who are victims of stranger-rape. It DOES feel segregational....like our pain is somehow different. It isn't. Pain in the regard of rape is not less because we had no ties to our attacker. I can vouch for that 100%. The 'pain', if it were purely emotional in it's core sense, cannot be compared...not that it doesn't compare...but that it simply in not a thing one can make a true and just comparison of. Pain is subjective...cannot be seen, but can be interpreted based on one's reaction and what one exhibits....but I cannot feel what you feel, and vice versa. Therefore, one cannot ever compare pain. I think it is simply unhealthy for any of us to try. That is all I wanted to say....let's not try. Let's just realize there is pain, and do what comes natural...try to alleviate it in the healthiest ways possible.

Dang James....you haven't gotten much in regard to myths here. Maybe you can message Matt and ask him if he can re-send you what he wrote before...it had a list of things...like percentages....some of them I used in that 'facts make me a freak' thread.

It happened a long time ago can't you leave it in the past? My response to that was usually ~ no it happened to me and as long as it upsets me it is here in the present, and if I can't live with my past I have no hope for the future.

The statistics have been built up for media coverage it can't possibly 1 in 4.

Most girls must make it up because even if they report it they rarely take it as far as court, which obviously proves they were lying.

What did you do to bring it on, He/she seems such a nice bloke/lass I can't imagine they would have meant to.

(Just a few off the top of my head)

"________ deserved to be raped...look how she was dressed!"

"Oh, she was asking for it, after all, you can't flirt like she does, take guys to the edge...and back out. That just isn't right. If she gets you that ready, and then says 'No'...it isn't rape if you just finish what she started".

"Most rapes are not rape at all...just women who changed their minds, or got dumped and want to retaliate."

Rape is about sex.

"If it wasn't reported, it isn't rape. If it really was a crime, and not just a bad date, they would report it without thinking about it."

There is always physical injury with rape.

"She went and got herself raped...."

Women cannot rape.

"If she 'got off', she sure can't claim rape!"

-----All of the above are things people have actually said! They may not fit in with published myths about rape, but they fit with public myths about it.

Thank you to everyone who provided input. As I am doing more speaking engagements lately, I am trying to refine my presentation and your views are very helpful.

Leitha, I can definitely relate to your comments regarding feeling segregated on the basis of statistics or other reasons. I don't like to use statistics when I present, nor for any other reason in my healing. I don't trust the numbers or data samples, don't see the point in collectivizing a very individual crime, nor do I believe that put us all in separate boxes is especially helpful from a healing perspective. Statistics are not required to help me make the points I try to convey - that rape is traumatic; predators can come from the bushes or your close circle of friends and aren't always one particular gender; and that survivors can come from any part of society. Anecdotes and emotion can make that point hit home far better in the environments I present. Statistics are better used for academic purposes and even then, most of the studies I've seen suffer from credibility issues on the basis of sample size; inconsistent definitions regarding rape or sexual assault; and other biases (i.e., women can commit rape) that render the data junk before it has even been collected.

Rape is traumatic and an attack on both a person's body and mind. Survival and healing take hard work and a lot of guts. I definitely don't need any numbers to make those points.

Thank you to everyone who contributed to this thread or emailed me privately with submissions. The TBTN March at Randolph College (formerly Randolph-Macon Women's College - now coed) was rained out, but a modified program was conducted indoors at the Student Center.

Given that the event was scheduled for 7:00 pm and I had to drive three and a half hours to get there, I expected to be tired. Fortunately, the campus coffee shop was still open so I got my medicine and was refreshed and ready to talk. I started out the night introduced as the RAINN speaker and talked about two of my rapes and covered several of the myths mentioned here (and with input from MaleSurvivor and Pandys as well), took questions afterward for several minutes and then the mic was opened up for student participation.

As is typical at such events, several students came forward and shared their own stories. After hearing me talk about the woman who raped me, one of the attendees of the event came forward to discuss how her female best friend abused and eventually raped her in middle school. She angrily shared that she had never talked about it before because she was told what a lot of people are told and unfortunately many believe - that girls and women don't commit rape or sexual abuse. A male student also related being abused by his female babysitter as a child, something he had never talked about publicly. Several women talked about their experiences with CSA at the hands of male family members or teachers.

Listening to the stories is always hard, but inspiring, especially when someone breaks the silence for the first time. I am proud of all of them for showing up and for those who bravely got behind the microphone and shared their pain publicly. It was a very emotional 3 hours and I think nearly everyone cried at some point during the night.

I mentioned some resources during the night and included resurrectionafterrape.org. A student from the college newspaper was present and has written a story which will include that URL as one of the recommended resources. Perhaps we'll see a few new members who travel their way over here from the story. I hope to see a few of them here.

I slept in today as I didn't get back until after 1:00 am. Seven hours of driving and three hours of highly emotional and triggering discussion was very draining. So, I'm now breaking in my Randolph College mug with a hot cup of tea and I'm going to put some popcorn in the microwave and watch a DVD.

Thanks again to everyone for your input.

Thank you for doing this. It is so very important. I grew up in NOVA by the way.

James, thank you so much for the work you do. It takes a lot of courage to speak publically about rape and sexual abuse. I don't think I ever could, so I really respect you for not allowing fear to get in the way. It is so important that people hear the truth about rape, and that people are encouraged to break their silence.